pretty crabby

A boring post about fat.

I have been doing Weight Watchers again. I did it last year and lost about 14lbs which since then I basically gained back. It got to be summer and i wanted to eat nachos and drink margaritas and just not give a shit. You know, life is short and all of that.

So, now I doing it again and I am holding at five pounds lost. For six weeks I have just been in a holding pattern. I keep working out (I bought this stair stepper thing on Amazon and I could kill you with thighs now, but I am not getting any thinner) and drinking water and eating my points... and, ugh, I am just stuck.

I hate that I am even writing about this. It is so boring. It feels so shallow... but I know it is not just about how I look but also about my health. There is diabetes and heart disease in my family. I cannot be FAT. It is no good. And so many people would say "oh, you aren't fat!" but I am not in shape either, I weigh more than I should.

But, life is short. On one hand, I don't want to spend my life as a fattie but I also don't want to counting every calorie that goes into my mouth. It is a hard balance. I LOVE food. I love cheese. I love chips. I love salt. I get JOY from being with my friends and eating food. Sometimes I eat too much, sometimes I think, just two more chips! And then I have, you know, ten more. They are so good! I wonder where my will power goes in those moments.

There is not much point to this post. But I am trying. I  keep trying and working and  hoping when I get on that stupid fucking scale. Hoping for a smaller number.

Sometimes I am tired of thinking about it and I just want to eat all the Skittles.

It's spring! Because...

• Today I had three iced coffees.
• I left the windows open when I went to work.
• I am wearing flip flops (I need a pedicure)
• I gave myself a spring haircut.
• I think tonight I could have a margarita.
• I feel better.

I'll take these blue skies, however fleeting.

Oh, right, I have a blog. Sometimes I forget.

I watched this really good movie, In the Shadow of The Moon. And I have been thinking about it a lot. We are all so tiny, the world is just hanging out there among the stars. We are suspended in something else entirely and I don't think we remember that enough.

I used to spend a lot of time on a certain web forum starting way back in 2002. I loved the people there. Then the forum got a little crowded and crazy and now I hardly ever go there. I have dear friends from there that I speak too often. Recently someone on this forum killed himself. It's sad and horrible (depending on your opinion I guess) and I just keep thinking, we are so fragile.

Last night an earthquake shook a lot of people I care about and I thought it again. It's all so fragile, it's all so short.

I am looking for a new apartment now. (hey, if you live in Boston and know of any two bedrooms, you can  email me) Someplace bigger where we can both be... and have space and room and life. Part of me is excited. But that other part of me still feels a little sad and scared. To build a future on this fragile foundation. It seems too brief. Too short. Too impermenant, no matter where you are standing. It's over too quick.

There is always the sad and scared part, the little kid part wanting me to notice what is going on, everything I might otherwise MISS. Wanting me to see all the small parts I might not notice otherwise. The way the flowers are blooming now, the tiny leaves coming out on trees. The small little part that says "HEY NOTICE ME."

So I do.