pretty crabby

The Horrible Life of the Unemployed

Synergy

I don't have a lot to say. I'm job hunting. I'm happy at home. Today I went for a run, which is utterly shocking if you know me or have ever met me. I could go to bed right now, running is hard! I don't think I am built for speed. But I like not working. I don't understand those people who keep working after they win the lottery. What is WRONG with them?

I've been grooving on the Ben Lee CD I downloaded. He'll be in Boston in a few weeks and I'm psyched. I have this theory (well, it's not MY theory, but I borrow it) that things come into your life when you need them, and that seems to be especially true for me with music. This is the latest song that seemed to be written just for me, although I know it's not;

Into The Dark

I'm feeling better
since I surrendered
you can't climb till you're ready to fall

you're not a landmine
you're not a goldmine
no, you're not mine at all

so tell me baby
can you hear me?
I sent a message out into the dark
its a mystery
when you're near me
I've gotta find my way to your heart

I learned my lesson
first impressions
are more often right than wrong

its not a slow dance
this modern romance
feels like we've already waited too long

dont worry baby
about how it should be
I sent a message out into the dark
I'd rather talk to you
about how it could be
I've gotta find my way to your heart

I was one of those
breathing tornados
but now I live at the eye of the storm
and its all faded
that sense of separation
since I let your love keep me warm

you tell me baby
that you can feel me
I sent a message out into the dark
when I kiss you
thats the real me
I've gotta find my way to your heart

so tell me baby
can you hear me?
I sent a message out into the dark
its a mystery
when you're near me
I've gotta find my way to your heart

Don't let the door hit your eraser on the way out, PENCILS.

Yesterday I wrote Pinky a letter.

A letter! An actual PAPER LETTER which I wrote with A PEN. It was shocking.

And, I am not the only one who thinks so. My poor hand was absolutely gobsmacked.

It was all: "Hey. LADY. Yeah, YOU, with that THING. What are you doing? Why are you trying to make me bend into this BIZARRO CLAW to hold this MECHANICAL OBJECT which puts this strange blue substance, what, onto a PIECE OF PAPER? Who do you think I am?"

I wrote two paragraphs and man, my hand was thinking that was pretty rough. TWO PARAGRAPHS. That's pathetic. I used to write journals. I used to write pages upon pages, for HOURS and my hand was Mr. Marathon. On and on it went! It was AMAZING! But not yesterday. Yesterday, my hand was saying "Why am I doing this? Where is that other guy? You know that guy. That spiffy dude, with those easy peasy BUTTONS. I LOVE That Guy!"

WRITING. BY HAND! It's so archaic! That is what they did in the old days, by CANDLELIGHT. Now we are getting radiated in the soft light of our laptops and we are loving it. Damn straight. And I can write this sentence in 30 seconds. And BOOM, it's done. Sometimes, I don't even recognize my hand writing. Did I just write that? I think I did, but its not in Verdana or Times New Roman. WHAT IS THAT? It's not Arial....I guess it could be Courier New?

So, yeah, paper and pens. The new antiques! Bid them goodbye, my friends, and introduce them to their new pals in Purgatory: cassette tapes, VCRS, and phones with cords. Peace be with you, fellas.

God speed.

Box of the Past

Emiliy Dickenson said "the past is not a package one can lay away". Well, apparently one CAN, but one can also go through it, which I was doing this morning.

Impromptu Polaroid collage!

The tattoos are mine. Right after I found these, I also found a New Yorker comic my dad sent me which features a prominent shoulder tattoo that says "ASK ME ABOUT MY PARENTS DIVORCE" and the caption is "The Subtext of All Tattoos." Good one.

This is me and my friend, Leah. I think I am about 8 or 9 here. Apparently, one is born a smartass. I would kill for that hair now, although I would probably brush it once in awhile.

I've sat on the beach in Capri! What have YOU done? (pretty prettiness there, btw)

Heather, me, and Jennifer. (Right after this was taken we either we out and fought crime, or started an all girls rock band. I am totally the drummer.)

PS. I am both SKINNY and DRUNK in this photo. Yay! PPS. Please note my cute, "I Just Broke Up With My Boyfriend And Chopped My Hair Off" flippy hair cut.

Best. Card. EVER.

Awake is the new sleep

Yesterday I answered phones at a temp job. I think that is the kind of temp job everyone should do because you can also surf the Internet and listen to the oldies station while eating free nachos left from the lunch time catering. Life is grand!

Then I downloaded the new Ben Lee CD (and did I ever tell you about the show I went to where he signed my journal which had some lyrics to his song inside and said (in his cute Australian accent), "you have a book? I have a book!"? Of course, he's a tiny moppet and I think my cat outweighs him, but otherwise, LOVE!) and had the new Bachelor on in the background. I don't why. There is no good reason, I have no excuse! But the new Bachelor? Kind of a drunken dolt. And doing body shots off people in the first episode. Can I get a "WOO!"?

I was reading the new Vogue, even though I don't completely understand the Drew Barrymore "Beauty in the Beast" themed photo shoot. Can they just take some photos? Now they need a theme, with a lion? Dear Lord. But imagine my surprise when I found an article about a villa we (my family and me, not the Royal We. You have to choose your Royal moments, you understand) visited when we were in Siena. I put my feet in the private pool and got yelled at! I get chased out of all the fanciest villas. I'm a rebel! Knocking rich people off their pedestals and polluting pools with my common feet since 1976!

Easter

For your Easter bonnet!

Annie on the go, looking for yellow eggs. We couldn't find the last one and I told her that it must have been hidden so well since she is so smart. After awhile she sighed and said "because I am so smaaart," - it's a real burden to be a brilliant girl. Someone finally found it and brought it to her. Serve us, we are princesses!

In the process of the Easter Egg hunt. I like this picture because the moms are the ones holding the Bags O Eggs, while the kids are in various stages of "AH, EGGS!" Not pictured: Jack thinking he miscounted his eggs and saying "I think we made a TINY miscalculation!"

Jay was looking for blue eggs and every time he found one he would yell "BLUE-EGG!!!" and hold on to it like gold. At one point he had ten in his little arms and he absolutely was not giving them up. Sometimes it is all about quantity not quality. He's all 'Quality? Whatever. GET ME MORE PLASTIC EGGS, bitches!'

Elaine and my dad. My camera clearly has had too many mimosas. This is photographic proof of the Pod Of Love. All are welcome. Please bring alcohol and stay awhile.

Brunch is over. Go home!

Don't be sad - you can take some chocolate when you go.

Buffer zone

Man, I wrote a whole long entry and then Explorer up and died. So, that's how you roll, Explorer? Well, fuck YOU.

That entry was BRILLIANT, I'll tell you that much.

Anyway, I spent most of today wandering around feeling hazy. I would be fine if my brain would just shut up. All I hear is "YOU HAVE NO MONEY, YOU HAVE NO REAL JOB, SOON YOU WILL HAVE NO PHONE!" It's all very noisy and annoying. I wake up at night and suddenly have visions of temp jobs and angry pregnant women. They are big, but they're slow. I can totally out run those broads!

So, I'm worried and discouraged (blah blah blah) but I'm also a lucky lucky girl. I have amazing friends and parents who never stop supporting me. I have a good little life, real job or not. And no matter what happens, I am not going to be homeless anytime soon. I attempted to cheer myself up by channeling my inner rock god and taking pictures from my most flattering angle. I've been feeling pretty gross lately, so after taking 108 photos of myself and my cat, I ended up with four that were okay. Yeah, four. Awesome.

I sometimes think a good way to pass the time would be to have a boy to make out with but I am not sure where I am going to find him these days since I have no money and therefor never leave the house. Unless a boy crawls out from under my couch, because that is the only place my ass has been, I probably won't be making out with anybody soon. And if some couch boogieman WERE to crawl out from under the couch, well he would be covered in cat hair and lint and that would be grody.

Tonight I am looking forward to a night of clean sheets and Law and Order repeats. I have big love for whatever brainiac at NBC put L&O on Saturday nights when all other 28 year olds are out making out with people. But, hey, I could do a lot worse than Vincent D'noforio.

Happy Easter, everybody.

Full of gold and jewels!*

I was telling Pinky how last night on the Apprentice they kept talking about making "the box". The toy box, the wood box, the box, the box, THE BOX! After awhile, it was sounding really dirty to me. Finally they started saying the trunk, although when I told Pinky I said "treasure chest" which is now TOTALLY my new name for the girl parts (which Alex and I have also been known to call "the stuff" as in "my stuff hurts" or "don't kick me in the stuff"). The Treasure Chest! I love it!

Feel free to use it at all your parties, and in your more intimate moments.

*jewels! Hee!

Songs

Trying to think what I have been listening to this week. When I am in transit I tend to actually listen to entire CD's... I know I played LAST SPLASH by the Breeders while I thought about how underrated that entire CD is.

I also played a CD by a certain boy which is the emotional equivilent of an alcoholic taking just ONE LITTLE SIP of beer. It's weird how my brain decides to go backwards and run that whole non-relationship over again when I get stressed out about other things which feel unfinished. It's like a nucleus of confusion in my head. And it's got a chewy nougat center of emotional uncertainty!

Some songs I listened to included:
Fuck or Die by Liz Phair (with the excellent line "I keep a close watch on this heart of mine, I keep my eyes wide open all the time")
Duke of Earl by Frank Black
Cigarrettes Will Kill You by Ben Lee

Otherwise, I didn't play iTunes at all, so I didn't play a lot of other stuff, song wise. I have had Since You Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson in my head for days, but I don't even think I've heard it since she was on Ellen last month. Also, yesterday I got the Golden Girls theme in my head but that was only because of this. Damn you, Sarah Brown.

pretty crappy

I'm feeling super discouraged and bummed out today. This temp job blows. I just want an actual real job where I can come in and WORK and actually remotely like it. I am not special or different, I know so many people out there dislike their jobs too, and sometimes you have to chalk it up to "just the way things work" but there are people who LIKE their jobs too, right?

Today I feel anxious and sick to my stomach. I feel like I cannot bear to go on one more interview, to apply to one more job, to smile and explain that mysterious gap in my resume ONE MORE TIME. It's just so fucking boring.

And it makes for great reading too, huh? Back to the job boards I go. At least, if nothing else, it's Friday. And I can take some strange sick comfort in the fact that, hey, it could always be worse!