pretty crabby

Ain't nothing but a pack of cards.

Sometimes I get a fairly innocuous text message and my stomach flips and I think I need to lay down.

Monday night he dropped me off from dinner and I had to sit still in my laundry chair and take deep cleansing breathes so as not to vomit.

People keep telling me 'that's love, baby'. All I know is all my pants have never fit so well and I have never saved so much money on food.

PS. I know you were worried and it was potentially keeping you up at night but I finally figured out what to hang on my cube walls. You can rest easy now, Internet.

PPS. Three entries today! You can thank my slow slow job and too much iced coffee for that (I love how I say this as if all my many fans are sitting around salivating by their computer monitors. Yep, I'm kind of an asshole).

Upping those pervert stats again.

I really like these for some reason, even though they are completely precious and twee.

Al and I decided the only way to really do it would be to engrave it with something totally dirty and scandelous. Like CUNT.

17 days to my birthday!

Reason 15,678 Why I love the Internet.

People who make things like this are just my kindred spirits. They warm my heart with their mean bitter humor. It's touching really.

Happy Monday!

Same as it ever was...

So much for laying around and lumping it up this weekend.

Yesterday I went to the beach with Carl and his kids. We spent two and a half hours in a metal box hurtling towards the water...although there was some rejection involved as two of the beaches we tried to go to were full. Residents only? Well, screw you then! We're from Boston and we are shunned. Well, I NEVER.

Finally we made it to a beach which has no buffer from the coast (is basically exposed along the side of the bay) so the water was FUCKING FREEZING. I ran in anyway and my muscles went "um, hello? THIS IS VERY COLD! We are SEIZING UP!" Which also means, well...ouch.

Lucie was cracking me up something beyond intense with her running commentary while Carl and Ellery played football in the water. "Ellery throws the ball to Papa! Papa catches it and throws it back to Ellery! Who throws it to me! And I catch it! And I don't throw it to ANYBODY! I'm running IN SLOW MOTION!" etc. We always say she is going to be a rockstar, maybe she is going to be a sports announcer. Who can say? Although she did ask me at one point, in the same dramatic voice used for color commentary "what kind of musician am I going to be?" All I could do was laugh until I cried. I love that kid.

Later I came home and then went out to dinner with Al where we ate giant portions of fajitas although they were that kind that come in pieces - chicken still sizzing in a pan, tortillas in a dish, etc. I saw it and said "this looks like work." I mean, I come to a resturant so someone will MAKE THE FOOD FOR ME and then ASSEMBLE IT as well. I'm here to be SERVED! Come on!

Also, we were sitting next to The Most Annoying Man ever on a date with some poor woman. The seating was all close and cafeteria-ish and so it was like we were on the date with them. Um, yay? At one point he said to the waitress "what's your name? So we don't have to yell to you." She says "Beth" and he says "pleased to meet you, Beth!" Um, sir, Beth just wants a tip - she doesn't want to be your friend, trust me. Later when she came back to take his order he said "well, I am having trouble deciding! Everything looks SO DELICIOUS! I am thinking about maybe this....(pointing) or this!" Duuuude. Beth DOES NOT CARE. Beth just wants to TAKE YOUR ORDER. Good Lord.

I came home slightly buzzed from one margarita (and a day in the sun, natch) and proceeded to torture poor Pinky with CUTE CUTE stories from my giddy week. Sorry Pinky. I am now That Girl Who Talks A LOT about a Boy. I am guessing this will get old pretty fast. I am trying to control it. Really! Someone pinch me.

Today I am doing laundry and I even vaccuumed. Next I will clean my bathroom and then I will promptly collapse. Good times.

I think I may get an hour or so in of lumpitude tonight. We can hope!

I have a dream today.

Bummah

I just turned my phone on and my 45 saved text messages (20 or so of which were from yesterday, and not all of them were dirty - thank you very much) are gone. Sadness! Also, fuck you, phone! I am supposed to be able to save 99. So, what the hell?

Otherwise, it is Friday and I am glad. I am looking forward to a weekend when I sleep in my own bed, drink coffee on my patio, not ride a bus of any kind, pet the neglected cat, and generally act like a lump. Of course, I say this now, we'll see how "lumpy" I really get.

Happy Weekend to you, lovely and crazy Internet. Don't ever change.

And of course, we'll be barefoot.

Last weekend I went all over the damn place, some on a bus, much in cars, and some on subways, being I am an Urban Girl and stuff.

The reason I was going all over was to attend my friend Christine's bridal shower in Vermont on Saturday. Which, in the simplest of terms, was a stressful affair. For some lovely reason, Christine picked me as her Maid of Honor and that is very very nice (especially because I am the only attendant!) but I honestly just think I am missing the crucial MOH gene. This is surprising for a few reasons, some of which are that I love buying people stuff, and I have been described as "thoughtful". Which I am sure is shocking for you, Internet, since I mostly just talk about things you can buy me. But, really, I'm nice! I'm generous! Seriously!

Anyway. So the bridal shower. Yeah. Um, I will not be having one of these. I think Christine had fun, being "showered" with gifts is not bad, and getting pretty towels and wine glasses and two (count em, two) turkey roasting pans must really make you feel like a grownup. But, the games. WHY DO THEY HAVE THE GAMES? Do people like these? I actually had to MAKE the games which - again - totally fine! but I just don't get why we have to do this. It's like celebrating the fact that you are an adult by playing infantile games which are neither fun nor edifying.

See, I'm a horrible person.

The wedding is in a few weeks and I am sure it will be fun, but now I just kind of want it to get here. All the BUILDUP is exhausting and I am not even the bride.

When (and if) I get married, I may just stand alone in a freakin' field with the boy and a lesbian shaman and get married by the full wolf moon while wearing corn husks or something, this shall be known as "the hippy Vermont wedding".

And, as God is my witness, there will be no clothespin games.

Have it some kind of way.

I have nothing to say.

Awesome! Why am I here? I don't know! Wheee!

I am so tired. I am punchy. I have SERIOUSLY CONTEMPLATED pulling a Gostanza and crawling under my giant desk, pulling my chair in, and going to sleep. No one would even notice! Nobody has really even talked to me in days.

Last night Al and I went to Burger King and proceeded to get waited on by a poor poor trainee with an evil manager and nothing we ordered was right. We didn't want Coke, we wanted Fruit Punch! She asked for a plain burger! Etc. We decided their new slogan should potentially be "Have it your way, after you send it back three times." Or something. Then we went to have a drink and my glass came with a giant bulls eye crack in the side. Which was sort of a relief because for awhile I could not figure out why my napkin was all wet. Am I drooling again? God, you can't take me anywhere.

Later on I was sitting on my bed talking to that certain boy when my necklace decided to break. It just fell off! For no reason! It was very sad, and he of course was oblivious (and kind of drunk) but I hope it can be repaired. Alex says it can. She knows all.

Now I am sitting here staring at the wall, I am asleep! Yet awake. HOW DO I DO THAT?

I think I'll go for a walk.

I guess I did have something to say after all.

Daddy-o

Happy Fathers Day to my dad. A day late, but still.

My dad is very funny and very honest. Sometimes, too honest like when I returned a sweater coat and he told me that was a good thing because it made me look "chunky" to which I replied "why do you need to tell me that when I ALREADY RETURNED IT." Or like the other time when I made out with a certain boy and my dad said "well, guys only really want one thing anyway." Um. GREAT. That is JUST WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR DAD. Also, my own fault for telling him I made out with someone - what was I thinking?

My dad is always supportive and decisive, like when he told me I should stop going to college because I was miserable there, and then months later told me I was moving to Boston, because I needed to do something else. I had a say in both things, but I needed someone to DECIDE for me and he stepped in and did that - Daddy style.

My dad and I have a lot of common friends. He worked with a bunch of lovely folks way back in the 80's (oh, the 80's!) and they have since become my good friends as well. Alex was my dad's friend first and now she is one of my best friends. Elaine and Carl were the same. Often at "family" parties, I am drinking and laughing with my dad. Which is great. And fun, and lovely.

He's there for the big and the small stuff. I think he is brave and interesting and talented. I think about the things he has been through and I don't know if I could have done the same stuff as well or as RIGHT as he has.

Sometimes I think he is crazy and weird and sometimes I think he is wrong but I can always tell him whatever I think. And for that, I am so glad that he is around. I tell him he is never allowed to die or leave me, because I will cling to his ankles and I am just not letting go.

And he knows enough to not even try to talk me out of that.

Oh, that's how you roll, is it?

Greetings from Vermont.

I am at my mom's - sitting on her couch, watching cable and taking advantage of the SUPER STRONG free wireless signal I get here. I think from her neighbors! Hi! I am using your wireless! Hope that is okay!

Doesn't anyone play music videos anymore? I feel so out of the loop. Oh, these kids today! Who knows what kinds of music they like! Yet, I do know all about how annoying Jimmy Fallon is, so...lucky me, I guess?

The bus ride down here last night was super annoying. I will be writing a letter! The pen is mightier than the sword! (Wow, maybe I have had too much coffee. But I've only had half a cup. They make the coffee STRONG IN VERMONT!) The letter will go something like this:

Dear Greyhound and Townie Bus Driver:

Thanks so much for driving SO SLOWLY through New Hampshire. I have never seen that stretch of the highway in SUCH DETAIL before. Then when it started pouring rain, you decided to drive like a bat out of hell. Which, well, interesting choice! Not exactly how I would have done it, but, I'm still alive and so are you (unless you died in the night or something) so, good on ya!

Then when we got to lovely White River Junction and you said "we'll be here 10 minutes," I thought, "great! We'll make up some time!" I ran to the truckstop and bought some Doritos and that weird hard candy, Bit O' Honey (which I don't think I can eat now that I am over 16 and my teeth are all like "OW, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS NOT FOUND IN NATURE. OW!") and then made my way back to the bus. Back on, everyone! And now, we will sit here! For like 20 minutes! And, thank you, Greyhound, for never sending anyone out to tell us what was going on. That would have been too easy! It was better to have four people from the bus get off and randomly complain and that one girl to finally come back and tell all the HAPPY HAPPY travelers "we have a new driver, and we are waiting for the bus from New York." Which, well, that makes no sense! But I am glad we have SOME information - not provided to us by the bus company that we paid $91 to ENJOY.

Thanks, Townie Bus Driver, for getting on and mumbling something incoherant to us all. I know those French speaking travelers and that one Japanese guy REALLY appreciated the INFORMATION. I know I did! And thanks too for standing outside and chatting to your friends for 15 more minutes while no one got on or off the bus. What were we waiting for?? We got no new passagers, so WHY ARE WE STILL SITTING HERE? No clue? Awesome!

THEN, when you did get back on, TBD, you said we should arrive in Burlington at 11:15. A full HOUR later than we were supposed to! And you said it all casual like, "oh, no big deal! I have no where to be, don't worry!" Mister, you are dealing with people from the BIG CITY. We like to GET PLACES ON TIME. It's crazy, I KNOW.

When I finally jumped off the bus at 11:35, I wanted to scream "well, that SUCKED!" in your face. But, I didn't. Maybe because I am from New England, and therefor I keep all my anger on the inside until I get an ulcer. OR, I write about it on my blog.

Anyway. Thanks again. It was so fun spending that six hours with you, Greyhound. I am SO HAPPY I get to do it all again tomorrow.

Love and kisses,
Emily

"never let them see, your heart is pounding full of hope..."

Today is one month to my 29th birthday. So, you can do the math and see that means I have exactly 13 months of my twenties left. Some people are shocked that I am going to be 30 next year. SHOCKED! Mostly these are people who have known me since I was a baby so the fact that I am soon to be 30 has little to do with me and lots to do with how old that must make them. And to them I say, here are some things you can potentially buy me. I like presents, you know (and I don't think anyone is going to buy me the $600 Balencia bag but if you do, I'll obviously LOVE YOU FOREVER).

I have no apprehension or reluctance to be thirty. I say LET'S GO. Who needs their twenties? I mean, I had moments of fun, but the last few years have felt more secure and sometimes I even feel like a grown up. It's amazing! And weird! I look forward to more of that! People at work talk to me and I know that they are seeing me as a COMPETENT and RESPONSIBLE person (shh!) and that is just wacky to me. I mean, don't they know I am 12 on the inside?

I don't take a ton of stock in New Years, and resolutions and blah blah blah. I think birthdays are the time when you should take a look at the last year and LOOK FORWARD and see how you have been and how you want to be. Things you want to accomplish, habits you want to break, jeans you want to fit into, etc, etc.

I feel like this year my lesson has been YOU NEVER FUCKING KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN and I look at so many transitions my friends and family have made and it is boggling and overwhelming. I can't really think of ANYONE I KNOW who is in the same place (literally, figuratively, you know) that they were last year. Some broke up; a few moved; many changed jobs; some had babies; it goes on and on. And I know, that's just life stuff, but it seems like this year has been 10 years and there was so much packed in, I can barely even believe it.

I still have my Thirty Year Old resolutions - Debt Free by 30! is one, but now I am trying to focus on TWENTY NINE and whatever will come next. 28 has been interesting and scary and weird and great, I feel secure saying ONWARD AND UPWARD.

Throw another punch, I can take it!