"I'd find a fatal flaw in the logic of love and go out of my head..."

How much does perception really matters? The perception other people have us, the idea that they know something we don't? Is that they see what we really are, or just a part of us, or is it not real at all? No one can see you from the inside out and we spend so much time talking, talking, talking, trying to EXPLAIN OURSELVES and make it clear - this is who I am.

Everyone has an outer layer. A part of us which I think of as basically bullshit, the excess skin on the onion which you have to peel away. It's the insecure part of someone which makes them loud and annoying; the defensive part which makes them say mean things to try and keep you from getting close; the jealous part when they say something just to knock you down a peg.

For me, I think it is the part of me that clams up and doesn't say a thing because I am too scared that I won't be able to take it back if I say something WRONG. As if I don't want to expose too much of myself because then whoever I am talking to will KNOW. What exactly? I don't even know what it is I am trying to protect. That truth at the center of myself? Or something?

Lately I find I am constantly explaining WHY certain things are the way they are. Why I keep doing what I am doing. Why I decided to go again, for one more day. And the bottom line is - I can't explain it. I am tired of trying. I am accountable to myself, and to the people I love who are directly affected by my actions. Everyone else is peripheral and so why do I feel like I need to have things MAKE SENSE to people who are not involved by any means? I am bombarding them with rationalizations, hitting them over the head with things I can't even believe they would begin to care about. But they ask me "how are you? How are things?" and I overflow with information. Here's how I am! Here's EVERYTHING you didn't ever ask to know!

I am volunteering it all so they can mirror it back to me and validate everything I am feeling. But the truth it, I don't need that. I know what is up. I know how I feel. That I would never do anything I didn't want to do. Would never sacrifice something that mattered to me. Ever. I don't care what things look like from the outside. I know what they ARE, from the inside. I want to say so many things to the People Who Care, I know that they mean well. They want The Best for me. Everyone MEANS well. Maybe they can LOGICALLY see something I can't. But I don't think so. When I let their voices echo in my head, I will drowned them out with my own much louder voice. So clear, and calm, a voice that comes from only me.

A voice that says, "fuck you all. I'm happy."

Comments

[Heather]

You may not believe this, but I understand where you are coming from.... I wrote a post similar to this one, here's a link to it:
http://dorky.typepad.com/dorky/2006/01/fence_hopping.html