pretty crabby

It takes a cocktail.

Yesterday sucked.

I had work drama and then I went home and found cat barf on the rug. On my cute cute throw rug. BASTARD. Why does he NEVER barf on the ugly ass beige wall to wall carpet which I do not care about? Why does he ALWAYS pick the rugs!?!? When he is in the bathroom he never pukes on the tile (which I could EASILY clean up) it is ALWAYS ON THE RUG! I hate him!

SO, anyway. I cried then. I am a baby. But the day? It was mental. In conclusion I had to invent a new drink! And it is delicious!

First you take lime aid, and you put it in a glass. Then you add tequila. And then you add some more tequila. Go ahead, add some more! And THEN you add a splash (or as much as you want) of orange juice. Plus ice! And a slice of lime! AND YUM! It is delicious. I will have two or three, thankyouverymuch.

I think I will call it the "Thursday Was A Long Day And Then My Cat Barfed On The Rug".

Voila!

Of all the things... you'd give me away and I would surely break.

I'm thinking about this so much now.

A year ago, I was in a dream where everything felt confusing and scary and unreal. I didn't eat for weeks and I walked around wondering what was going on. And then my heart got broken, like hearts do, and I knew that I absolutely could not go on. I couldn't believe it was happening again, but it was so much worse and even now just remembering that night and the days that followed, I get tears in my eyes.

You let someone in, they get close, and you hand them this amazing power to hurt you FROM THE INSIDE OUT. But we keep doing it! Because of the rewards, I guess.

I know.

But there is still a part of me that wishes I could go back and do it better. Not be so sad and so overwhealmed because a year later I am sitting here and things are good. A week after that heartbreak last year things were already improving. And when it happened again a few months later I could look around and say, "well, I got through it before". And I kept going. I wasn't so surprised.

This year when the fireworks are going off, I will make a wish for that girl from last year and hold her in my heart. With a lump in my throat I will know that even when it is hard there is a turning point. It will get easier. We make it through. Somehow.

We don't know our own strength.

Solstice, baby.

Almost forgot to say HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SUMMER!

The very best time of year...

To sleep perchance to dream.

Wow. My body hurts. I don't know what my issue is, I think I might need a new mattress. Did I mention my mattress squeaks? A whole bunch? And it is DRIVING ME INSANE? Do you think that if I sprayed the whole box spring with WD-40 that it would stop squeaking? Would that work? Is it even worth trying? Ugh. I am so sleepy.

In, YAY OH HAPPY LIFE news, I made my birthday trip reservation. I am going here! With this person I like a lot! And we will swim in the ocean and walk around and maybe go in the pool and watch movies because the hotel has a movie theater! I cannot wait. I wish it was tomorrow. But I am also happy to have something to look forward to. My birthday (yes, did you know my birthday is coming up??) is on a Sunday so I took Friday and Monday off from work because I am smart and that is just how I roll. No one should EVER work nn their birthdays. It should be against the law!

I also bought myself a new beautiful bag and new percale polkadot sheets. Nothing is happier than new sheets! They are the best.

So I am will put them on my squeaky bed and then I will lie there. Very very still.

Countdown

I know no one cares but, hey, MY BIRTHDAY IS LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY! The Big 3-0! Woo! I'm such a brat. And I don't care!!

Today I got to make my birthday trip reservation. We are going to the beach! And a semi-fancy hotel with a pool and a bar! Maybe we'll even break open the mini-bar, cause what the hell, let's go crazy! I also got new sheets and a nice new bag. The spoiling has begun. Can you hear my evil laughter from where you are?

I also decided today that I hate my job. Really hate it. And when my boss was saying something about how I should learn this new thing I was thinking about how I just want to leave. God, I'm fickle.

Lastly, I know I am biased and I clearly think he is funnier than he probably really is, but this video of Elroy is priceless. He flies! He falls over! He gets embarrassed! It's already a classic. (sorry about the annoying woman who keeps saying "are you flying? ARE YOU FLYING?")

Elroy can fly on Vimeo

No common thread here, just Sunday chatter.

Today was my first trip to the ocean and that was lovely. I can't think of many things that make me happier than bobbing around in the water on a hot sunny day. I am but a simple girl.

I am starting to hate my job and as tomorrow morning ticks closer I wish I could call in sick. Or never go back. On Friday I walked home at lunch (partly in tears which was great) and laid on my bed and thought about not getting up and walking back there. I miss cubicle life. I miss being alone and doing my own thing and working on my own time. I got spoiled but I am good at being spoiled. Being the front desk person is completely sucking the life out of me and by the end of the day I don't want to talk to my friends or my family or my boy or even the cat. This is a problem. I think my life span as The Front Desk Girl may be about three months.

Riding home today I was thinking about relationships (as I often do) and my favorite things about them. Aside from the basics of not being alone and the whole touching thing, I think I just like the KNOWLEDGE. The fact that you know someone so well, and the fact that everyday is something new and you are learning more and building on this foundation you already have. Our foundation is seven years old and it is constantly surprising me, every day, every minute. It's weird and crazy and fun, and it's just one great thing in my life.

I was bored yesterday so I made another video! This time its a tour of my fridge! WHAT COULD BE BETTER, you say? Why HARDLY ANYTHING, I reply! You know what to do, if you dare.

An uneasy peace

I had a dream that my nose was bleeding and it wouldn't stop and when I woke up I felt like crying. I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I might have some sort of weird Birthday Blues, even though my birthday is a month away and usually I am pretty excited about it. A day of me! What is wrong with that? I don't feel bad about getting older, I mean it happens. LIke Sarah said, other than the inevitable death that comes at the end of aging, what is the big deal? Most days I feel 12 anyway. I won't miss my 20's because they were hard and complicated and who misses their twenties? I feel like I just keep becoming more myself (how Hallmark of me) and that is not a bad thing to be.

Some things are bothering me though, and they are on my mind. It is really hard for me to talk sometimes or to BRING UP conflict, I don't know where to begin or how to do it RIGHT and I am always scared of the reactions. Mine, theirs, anyone elses, whatever.

I also don't want to rock the boat just for the sake of rocking it and I don't know if that is what I would be doing. How much does something need to bother you before it is a BIG DEAL? How much should it be knawing at your insides before you make another person aware of it? How much should I smile through it and just hope it goes away? I don't want to set some precident for myself of not speaking up, but I don't know where to start. I don't know what to say.

Otherwise, last night I had margaritas on my patio with two of my friends. So, yeah, things could always be worse. I also played with my camera and noted that my freckles are starting to reappear. Ah, summer sun damage. How we love you.

So, if nothing else, there's that.

Monday and stuff

My day was long and sort of boring and work kind of lost all the excitement it had, which was hardly any since you;re wondering. One good thing was that someone brought in brownies but that ended up being not so good since OH MY GOD I COULD NOT STOP EATING THE BROWNIES.

I was also looking for someone to chat to on Instant Messager and no one was around. Where the hell where you?? Thank god I had two lovely Sarahs to entertain me on email for awhile. Even while they were trying to actually, you know, work and stuff.

Now I am reading the new InStyle and polishing my nails and because I was still kind of bored I made yet another video of Elroy (click for link) which is apparently all I do now. In this one he eats a nailfile! And I laugh at him a whole bunch! I'm a crazy cat lady! Good times.

"Hey, you with the face!"

Please note the purring at the end. Also, no clue why I am so obsessed with him "eating the umbrella". I'm a dork.

And I could try to fix you...

The choice to be with one other person, to be IN A RELATIONSHIP is such a weird thing to me. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, watching people pair off, get married, making a life with ONE OTHER PERSON. Why do we have the motivation, the need, the desire to keep doing it? To find someone else we want to be with more than anyone else...

I haven't been in a lot of relationships in my grown up life. Actually, I've been in two. The first one was something that happened when I was 23 and kind of looking around for someone (ANYONE!) who was single in the group of friends I had at the time. There was one other person who was single, one guy, and so I ended up with him for a little while. I didn't particularly like him that much (though I thought I did at the time, now I realize I was just desperate) - but he was okay enough. He had his good points, I suppose. But he was also a hugely insecure wimp who could not make up his mind about anything, least of all me.

For the last two months of our "relationship" I kept wanting to break up, I was miserable. But I didn't know how. We had spent so much time together and talked so much and laughed some and he was a huge part of my life. How do you just say goodbye to that? There is not another relationship like a romantic one and there is nothing else like breaking up. When else are we expected to cut off everything with someone with talk to EVERY DAY, maybe see EVERY DAY, (not to mention the whole complicated sex issue) and have that be that? The end. Goodbye! God, it's just the most emptying thing I can think of.

So, anyway, EVENTUALLY we did break up. I broke up with him after some conversation in which he was implying we could still hang out together and have sex together but maybe we kind of wouldn't actually be BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND and I thought 'well, no, that is not going to work for me, thank you very much." Of course, a few weeks later we met up at a club (ha ha, remember the days of clubs?) and he drove me home. We had our hundredth fight and I got out of the car and slammed the door and that was that. I felt better. I felt like that was it. I made the right choice and our relationship, our friendship, our whatever, had run it's course. It was an okay feeling. When I got a birthday postcard from him a few months later, I laughed because he had sent it to the wrong address (before the postman figured it out and sent it my way). HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MY ADDRESS. Which basically summed up our whole story in a perfect way.

Now I am here in the longest relationship I have had (a year and a couple weeks, which seems amazing on many levels) and every day is pretty good. Even the days where I feel sad or it feels hard actually feel okay because I feel like I know what to do. I know how to get space and how to give it and when I should come close or when I need to ask for help. Obviously, I am doing something right. But it's scary too. Because every day I care more, and I want more, and I hope for more. And what if it doesn't work out? What if one day he is not in my life anymore? What if we have to say goodbye and that is that. Just thinking it breaks my heart, and tears me up a little.

But I still go forward. With that one other person because I can't do it any different. Because I can't imagine it any other way.