The other side

Somedays are harder than others and I wonder what the hell I am doing, pretending to be a grownup in a relationship. Who is this person I suddenly am going to a job every day and coming home to this guy (a guy I really like, mind you) every night?

Today I walked and thought and listened to music and wondered about needs.

I'm a girl who grew up going back and forth between my parents. Often times I made these journeys alone because I don't have siblings, it has always been "just me". We moved first when I was 8 years old and I know my childhood fractured then. I went from being some girl who goes to the same school and knows the same people and has the same friends to the girl who sat alone at lunch every day. And I know, woe is me, get over it, it's not so bad. But it was really hard, and it still makes me sad to think about how lonely I was then.

What I learned was that I needed to rely on myself and take care of myself because other people were out to get you. To make fun of your glasses or tease you because you were poor, according to them, and you were different. Only because you were NEW.

The next year we moved again, I changed schools again, and then we did it all once more a year after that. Every time I went deeper into myself and built up more walls, to keep myself safe. I did make friends and some of them are people I still know today, but I wasn't the same. I became the girl who read in her room and stayed home every night, so far away from whoever that other girl was. The girl I left behind when we moved the first time.

I like who I am now but some things have not gotten any easier. In the quietest moments when it is just him and me I can feel myself trying. Trying to open up and trying to let him in and I just don't know how. I feel this block between where I am and where I want to be and I don't know how to break through it. I keep saying "I have to be able to talk to you" but I know I AM able, no one else is making me keep anything in, except me.

I don't know how to do it. I want to so much. I want it to be easy. I want to be open and honest and clear.

But it all just feels so far away.

Comments

[Samantha]

I just want you to know that after you break through the wall it becomes so easy you won't know when to shut up!

I know--I've been there.

Keep going.

Love to you!