Then let us all rejoice again.

For the first time in a long time, I feel very much in the Christmas spirit.

Last weekend I put up a tree with help from my dad and now it is sitting in front of me, bright and full of ornaments I bought and presents I wrapped, looking like pure potential.

This year I will be home, in my own house, on Christmas. For the first time ever. I will be with my chosen person and we will be doing our own thing - whatever that is. I am not entirely sure yet because it is unprecendented. And that makes me happy and so excited.

I remember being a kid and loving Christmas and getting so excited sometimes I could barely breathe. My parents spent Christmas together, with me, for many years after they were no longer a couple. I know they did that because of me ONLY and they made it special for their kid because they could. It breaks my heart now when I see parents using their kids as a middle man or acting like children themselves, unable to rise above their own shit to do something for their kids. But I digress... (as I do).

Christmas Eve we would often go to church, which was a very rare occurance other times during the year. I loved seeing everyone in their Christmas best and feeling that happy anticipation feeling of whatever was going to come next. No one knew exactly, but they knew it was going to be good.

We would drive home in the dark and sometimes I would get to chose one present to open from under the tree. When I was 7 and 8 it was always that Barbie shaped box from one of my grandparents.

Every Christmas I would get up first and go and lie under the tree by myself in the early morning light, just waiting.

I would take everything out of my stocking, look at it, and put it back in. I would sit in the glow of the lights, with everything wrapped in front of me. Not knowing what anything was. Not knowing who was going to get what or what we were about to see.

I could lie there in the quiet just knowing it was going to be good.

Comments

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

I just wanted to say your comment over at Suburban Bliss about your mom and the Christmas tree made me laugh and laugh, so thank you :)

[The Ursine Calamity]

What a sweet, shining recollection of Christmas... you must be indeed feeling the spirit!

[styro]

I'm with you, my folks were real nice to each other after they split, and it was a real kindness to everyone. My own christmas spirit had dried up this week, but shit, you made me tear up a little with those last two paragraphs!

Merry Christmas, Em. I'm glad we're friends. xooxox

[Sarah]

Merry Christmas!