Better not tell you now.

I am a week to 31, bitches. Prepare yourselves.

This morning I was complaining because thirty-one is not a nice number. I was fine with 30, it is all round and pretty and monumental.

31 is just there. It's the cranky girl on the bus who can't find the gum in the bottom of her bag. It's the last crinkly page of the newspaper that never folds right.(I don't know what any of that means, but what the fuck, it is hot out and I am leaving it there. Screw you, backspace.)

It's just... thirty one. It's boring. And so far, I am not impressed.

Okay, maybe it is the last week of 30 that I am not impressed with?

I don't really want to get into what is going on but I feel like I am getting beat up from the inside out. I feel so tired. I just want to lie down and close my eyes until 31 has kind of lightly passed me over, and when I get up everything will have magically FIXED itself and I won't have to dela with any of it. Yeah, that's realistic right?

Last week I was complaing because I wanted things to happen and now I want to take that back. Bad things are about to potentially happen and I don't even feel like a part of my own life. Basically I am on the outside of a relationship that I should be at least having half a say in. Because I am half of it. But now no choices seem up to me and clearly I was wrong when I thought I would at least get a vote.

I don't know what to do with that. I keep considering different options and the choices I DO actually have and, fuck me, but I don't like any of them.

Nothing feels good and a big door to my future just slammed shut in my face. So, happy birthday to me? I hate how self-pitying I sound because I know I am a blessed person and I have a whole hell of a lot. I am grateful for that...but it is hard when you feel irrelevant in your own life. I don't know what to think about that. I am not sure which way is up.

Comments

[mia]

Happy Birthday!!! you can say that you're 30.99999 years old if anyone asks. Or just punch them in the lip, since 31 isn't doing it for you.

Like Diane Court in Say Anything says: I have this theory of convergence, that good things always happen with bad things. I know you have to deal with them at the same time, but I just dont know why they have to happen at the same time. I just wish I could work out some schedule.

beeg hug leedle kees Xo

[styro]

Thirty one can be OK. I think things will work out, but I know they suck right now, and for that I send my love. Also, I will be visiting during your birthday week, so it can't be ALL bad, right?? RIGHT? :) I will buy you nachos and beer, anyway, and that may be small solace right now, but a little something is better than nothing. xoxoxoxo

[kerrianne]

Yes, happy! day of cake. Here's to hoping thirty-one kicks thirty's ass. In a good way.