pretty crabby

Is she weird, is she white, is she promised to the night? And her head has no room!

I think I should live by the ocean. It is only fair. I mean, I LOVE the ocean. And I think we should all just be able to live where we want when we want and WOULDN'T LIFE JUST BE PERFECT THEN?

If life was perfect though, would we appreciate it? Would we know?

I think I have heat stroke. It's been so hot this weekend and now I have a super headache that is resistant to Advil and booze. What the f, head? Yesterday we were supposed to go the beach (see above, re: WHERE I SHOULD LIVE) and then it was all cloudy and gray when we got up and so, nope, no beach. Of course, then the sun came out later and it was Africa Hot and I was sweaty in the wrong places and then I got... CRANKY.

In the midst of my crank we went to the pharmacy so I could pick up my prescription and they? Are morons. The guy asked why was I there early, was there a reason I took all my 28 days of pills in only 14 days? To which I was like, what? I don't know what you are talking about and then OH YEEEEAH I forgot that I sat around taking two birth control pills every day BECAUSE THEY ARE SO DELIGHTFUL. I mean, seriously? When he finally figured it out it was (shockingly) a computer error, he told me it might happen again next time I come in to get my pills. Well, I will look forward to that, Idiot Pharmacy People!

I am trying to think of what else has been going on that has been exciting and amusing and I am sort of drawing a blank. I've been busy... and? I am a little bummed because I haven't gone anywhere this summer and the planned trip to the beach for my birthday weekend didn't happen. It still could I guess but in the next 8 weeks there are two weddings to go to, one in Omaha and one in Michigan. That is a lot of Midwest, people.  One is for my cousin who is not a normal cousin in that I talk to her almost every day. She's more like my sister and her wedding party is on The Dude's birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY you get to celebrate with my entire family! Hurrah! But there will also be free food and booze and music... so it could be worse right? Right?!?

Lastly, I feel like I need some new music. Suggestions for me? if you think of things i must have, please comment. I am going to see The Smoking Popes this week and I am excited. It's been way too long since I've seen live music. That is my birthday resolution to myself, go out and hear more music. It's a good start, I think.

Buh-bye.

PS. This guy I know has a new music page on Myspace. Why don't you go and him to your friends!?

Stand in front of you, I'll take the force of the blow.

So, Hi! How are you?

I am doing a lot better. Thank you for your comments and emails. I guess I was just having a little birthday crisis. Things are not SOLVED but I feel like I have a little more control of my life and as of now, things are solidly okay.

I'm also having a fun summer. I had a great day on my birthday and a fun party in which a bunch of my loveliest and most fabulous friends came. I am so very lucky to have them all in my life and to get to call them my family.

Last night I went out with some crazy Internet ladies and that was pretty damn awesome. I know the Internet is a crazy weird place sometimes but I have been blessed to meet people who are so fantastic. Earlier this summer I got to chill out with Sarah Brown and last night it was doing shots and eating giant massive food with gals who are the fucking bomb.

Check out the photos (click on the photo for the set). You won't be sorry.

Better not tell you now.

I am a week to 31, bitches. Prepare yourselves.

This morning I was complaining because thirty-one is not a nice number. I was fine with 30, it is all round and pretty and monumental.

31 is just there. It's the cranky girl on the bus who can't find the gum in the bottom of her bag. It's the last crinkly page of the newspaper that never folds right.(I don't know what any of that means, but what the fuck, it is hot out and I am leaving it there. Screw you, backspace.)

It's just... thirty one. It's boring. And so far, I am not impressed.

Okay, maybe it is the last week of 30 that I am not impressed with?

I don't really want to get into what is going on but I feel like I am getting beat up from the inside out. I feel so tired. I just want to lie down and close my eyes until 31 has kind of lightly passed me over, and when I get up everything will have magically FIXED itself and I won't have to dela with any of it. Yeah, that's realistic right?

Last week I was complaing because I wanted things to happen and now I want to take that back. Bad things are about to potentially happen and I don't even feel like a part of my own life. Basically I am on the outside of a relationship that I should be at least having half a say in. Because I am half of it. But now no choices seem up to me and clearly I was wrong when I thought I would at least get a vote.

I don't know what to do with that. I keep considering different options and the choices I DO actually have and, fuck me, but I don't like any of them.

Nothing feels good and a big door to my future just slammed shut in my face. So, happy birthday to me? I hate how self-pitying I sound because I know I am a blessed person and I have a whole hell of a lot. I am grateful for that...but it is hard when you feel irrelevant in your own life. I don't know what to think about that. I am not sure which way is up.

My life passes me on the shoulder and leaves me nowhere. I know a place that I can go, please take me there.

As my birthday gets closer I am getting harder on myself.

I do this every year to some extent. I guess next to the sort of lameness that is New Years, birthdays are the best time to examine where you've been and where you are going (they are also a good time to drink and have nachos, but that is a post for another day).

If you aren't someone who cares about that sort of thing (the ever ticking clock of LIFE PASSING YOU BY) then you can probably just float along having fun, and I would say I envy you but I don't really. This self examination that I have a habit of doing is just another part of me, and if I can't think about what is going on inside of me as well as out, then I don't really see the point. Of anything.

So, now here I am pushing, prodding, and feeling lonesome. It feels like being at a party where everyone knows everyone else and you know no one. Standing in the corner by the chips and smiling to people as they walk by, but nobody smiles back.

I feel sad. I wish I could blame hormones but apparently this is just Me Getting Older and Thinking About Shit. Like, I know I want to have babies sometime. I think about that and what that will be like and who I will have them with. All that annoying girl stuff that everyone goes through. Or not. I know I am nowhere close to Parentville now because all the cash I have in the world is currently CHANGE but, you know, blah blah blah SOMEDAY.

It feels like everything keeps getting pushed to down the road, in the future, someday and that makes me feel very lost. What is now? Is this all the foundation for SOMEDAY and then when I get there will I be happy? Or just waiting for the next day to come?

I like my new job, I like where I live, I have great friends. But nothing feels permanent. Tomorrow everything could change and I won't recognize a thing. Everything is fluid and changing and people are dying and being born and nothing, nowhere, is the same.

It makes me want to hold on so tight that my hands turn to rock and crumble and fall apart. It makes me want to let go, and free fall, just to see where I might land.

Just to see if anyone would save me.

Pearls in the sky are strung round the moon

It's July again. Welcome to my birthday month. You may now begin your mini-celebration of ME.

My uncle is in town because every year he and my dad get together to celebrate their birthdays. July is not just MY birthday month, it's THE birthday month. So, I am sure they are on the run now after pilfering some museums and eating too many appetizers. If you see these guys, plug your ears because they laugh LOUDLY. (video link)

I started my new job two weeks ago and I am kind of reluctant to say this but so far I LOVE IT. It is seriously exactly what I wanted and was looking for, with things to learn, a lot of time to work on my own and a pretty laid back boss who is specific in what he wants and not completely nuts like some of my other recent bosses. It hurts me to say this as a feminist, but if I can help it I will not work for a woman again. What is up with us, ladies? When other women work for us we suddenly become super insecure, competitive and BAT SHIT CRAZY. It also seems impossible for a woman boss to state what she needs clearly and calmly and there is that weird "let's be best friends!" thing that happens with women which is really just fake and ridiculous.

It's like small talk. There is no point. I hate small talk. I don't want to know about your house or where you got that shirt and I don't want to tell you about my boyfriend and my cat. It makes me want to stab my eyes out with a pen.  But I digress.

No more woman bosses! Only men!  I love men! MEN MEN MEN!

Um. Yeaaaaaah.

This week after going to New York I came back to my job on Tuesday and felt completely and utterly lost.  By Wednesday I realized I didn't need to act like I knew everything. No one expects me to know what the hell is going on. After I decided, okay, ask questions! I also became aware of the fact that I seem to have this compulsion to SAY I know more than I do. What the hell is that? Don't say "yes" you know what is going on when you have no clue which way is up. I may need more self awareness because who knew I was a big fat liar!?

Anyway. It's a good job, I love my cube. Once i start getting paid I will really love it because I will be rich! New bags for everyone! I can order any office supply I want and on Friday I ordered a day planner. Now I am super excited to go into work on Monday because it will be there waiting for me. Total dork. I'm excited to go to work! Unprecedented!!

I don't know what to say as an ending so I will just say I am watching American Dreamz on cable and it's pretty funny. Hugh Grant is starting to look a little orange though, he might want to look into some sunblock. You know, if he happens to be surfing blogs on a Sunday morning. He might have had a late night with the hookers...