As my birthday gets closer I am getting harder on myself.
I do this every year to some extent. I guess next to the sort of lameness that is New Years, birthdays are the best time to examine where you've been and where you are going (they are also a good time to drink and have nachos, but that is a post for another day).
If you aren't someone who cares about that sort of thing (the ever ticking clock of LIFE PASSING YOU BY) then you can probably just float along having fun, and I would say I envy you but I don't really. This self examination that I have a habit of doing is just another part of me, and if I can't think about what is going on inside of me as well as out, then I don't really see the point. Of anything.
So, now here I am pushing, prodding, and feeling lonesome. It feels like being at a party where everyone knows everyone else and you know no one. Standing in the corner by the chips and smiling to people as they walk by, but nobody smiles back.
I feel sad. I wish I could blame hormones but apparently this is just Me Getting Older and Thinking About Shit. Like, I know I want to have babies sometime. I think about that and what that will be like and who I will have them with. All that annoying girl stuff that everyone goes through. Or not. I know I am nowhere close to Parentville now because all the cash I have in the world is currently CHANGE but, you know, blah blah blah SOMEDAY.
It feels like everything keeps getting pushed to down the road, in the future, someday and that makes me feel very lost. What is now? Is this all the foundation for SOMEDAY and then when I get there will I be happy? Or just waiting for the next day to come?
I like my new job, I like where I live, I have great friends. But nothing feels permanent. Tomorrow everything could change and I won't recognize a thing. Everything is fluid and changing and people are dying and being born and nothing, nowhere, is the same.
It makes me want to hold on so tight that my hands turn to rock and crumble and fall apart. It makes me want to let go, and free fall, just to see where I might land.
Just to see if anyone would save me.
