Dear Britney

So.. girl. What is UP?

Okay, you're clearly a little crazy right now, what with the shaving of your head and the beating that car up with the umbrella. I think you probably have post-partum depression, along with you know, having no one reliable or influential (in a good way) in your life. Hanging out with Puffy and that scummy magician, well, you know, they probably aren't the best role models.

Did you ever notice how when people get famous they kind of freeze at the age they started at? Which means you are what? Still 16, I think. You still want to wear too many accessories and mid drift bearing shirts while most other gals your age are finishing grad school and sleeping with French guys named Philippe. You are out there falling down drunk and fighting with your mama.  And you know, I guess we have all been there and done that too. We just haven't had to do it in front of THE WORLD.

And now they are calling you flabby but I thought you looked pretty good. You are a 25 year old who has had two babies in two years. I know you wish they would give you a fucking break. I wish that too. You know all the people at home criticizing you are fat old men sitting around in their boxer shorts eating Cheeto's. Don't let them get you down. Don't cry about it. Because they will just make fun of you for that. Maybe you could give Justin a call? He seems like a nice guy. Maybe he could help you out. Or take you out for fried chicken. That would be fun right? Maybe you could work out with his new hot girlfriend, Jessica-what's her name?!

So, I was pulling for you. We all really wanted you to do well, I think. Except for the jerks, cause they never want anyone to do well. But then you came out to "sing" and you just looked half asleep. You seemed to not even know the words you were LIP SYNCING and you almost fell over more than once. I think your boots were too high for you. Don't wear boots when you are high, it's dangerous. I wanted to close my eyes and look away and then after that I wanted to give you a blanket to cover yourself up with and maybe some hot cocoa.

Seriously, honey, put your feet up. Take a bath. Comb your extensions. Hug your babies. Go to bed before 9. You'll like it, I promise. You'd feel SO MUCH BETTER.

And don't hang out with Paris. She's obviously bad news.

Your friend, Emily

Comments

[Cat]

i'm not exactly the biggest Brit fan around, but i have to agree with you on her being "fat". seriously people... its so sad that thats what fat is. yeah, i wish i was that fat. poor girl. lets get her some help instead of making her feel even worse about herself. and maybe get her some underwear cuz i hear she's flashing the bits agaain.

[Em]

I wish I looked at fat and flabby as she did. Maybe the bikini wasn't the best choice but WHATEVER, the girl looked fine.