pretty crabby

Disguise

The first costume I remember wearing (aside from the year I think I was Big Bird? I have a recollection of feathers but maybe I was just a four year old Can Can dancer or something) was Cinderella. I had one of those plastic masks they don't really seem to make any more. You know, the hard plastic kind with the eyes that hurt? They kind of cut into your skin and you get all hot inside them and end up taking them off half way into the night.

Anyway. My mom's friend Jane french braided my hair and I must have worn some kind of dress or something. I remember the hair braiding and walking down the stairs in Jane's house before we went out. By process of elimination I think I was five when this happened.

Halloween is especially bizarro world when you are a little kid. Everyone is dressed as someone else, people are running around in the dark and you don't know what the hell is going on. It's like a strange acid trip, plus you are jacked on candy so that adds a whole other strung out vibe to the evening.

This year I didn't really have a costume so I will leave you with a picture from last year when I got Decked Out. Yes, that is my real hair.

Happy Halloween!

Things I Loved At 15 That I Cannot Even Deal With At 31. A list.

• Violet and perrywinkle together (the colors of my bedroom at the time)
• White socks
• Faded jeans with rips in them worn with flannel shirts. (I really identified with the grunge culture, you know BEING A WHITE GIRL FROM VERMONT)
• Patrick Swayze. (Seriously, have you seen his face lately?!)
• Loud noises. (Am I thirty one now or eighty one, who can say?)
• Day glo; see also, tye die.
• Twin Peaks (totally freaking out Thirty One Year Old Me)

Things 31 Year Old Me Thinks Are Rad That 15 Year Old Me Thought Were Gross:

• French Kissing
• Vodka
• The word "rad"

Trouble

When I was seven I took a Swedish Fish from the general store.

You know how they keep them out in open displays? Sitting there collecting germs? They looked so shiny and delicious, I just had to have one. I popped it in my mouth without thinking and stood there chewing away.

My mom came around the corner and saw me chewing, looked down and immediately put two and two together. I can't remember exactly what she said but I was caught, red Swedish fish handed. The first thing I said was "it's gum!" And I made up a suddenly ever expanding story about how I brought the gum with me! It was always there! She didn't believe me since I was blatantly lying but I kept up with it. I wouldn't relent, I almost believed my own story.

I walked all the way home chewing an invisible piece of gum.

Falling for you.

Life just keep happening and going and WHOOSH, there it goes.

One friend is engaged; one has a sick parent; one just got married; one had a baby. I would like to write about something light and carefree but this year has just been heavy and it has been a lot. There have been good things, so many lovely good things but the bad things? They have been so bad and so much, and they haven't even happened to ME but I feel the weight of them. I feel for my friends and the people I love. I wonder what will happen. I wait and see.

On Saturday we walked up a hill and looked at our city. It's a nice city. It's been home for a long time now. I grew up here. I moved away and I came back. Lots of people I love are here. When I am looking out at my skyline, my city, I feel like I am looking at an old friend. When I go away and come back, it's always waiting for me.

Seriously, sometimes I don't even know what I am talking about. I am just a girl trying to figure things out. I've been thinking about America and how as a whole we are a country which doesn't really think about ourselves.  Have you been to those places where everyone just gets up and goes to work and comes home and they are FINE. They are happy. But you can see that they aren't thinking at all about their place in the world or what comes after this. There seems to be one layer and that is it. How can't they wonder? Are they just that happy and contented? I sort of envy that and wonder what that must feel like. I lie in bed at night and think about the end of the world.

It doesn't make me better or worse, it just is how it is right now. I wonder what the point of all of this is. This, LIFE. Any of us, being who we are. Getting up, watching hours of Bravo marathons. Buying meaningless Ugg boots. Surfing the web. Going to work. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

What does all this wondering, thinking, analyzing get me? Does it move me forward or just keep me in the same place watching things go by?

I guess I just don't know yet.

Where my heart is.

There are two camps lately in my life. People breaking up and people having babies.

In the past year, five babies have been born in my world and right now three of my friends are pregnant. One of them is about to pop any day now. I know she is super anxious to see her little girl and I am excited for that baby. She's going to have a great life with extremely adorable parents. (Seriously, they people should be sold at a Hallmark store next to the figurines and balloons. They are That Cute.)

The people breaking up are not as cute. They are annoyed and upset and pissed off. And more than that, they are confused. I am hearing so many "and then we broke up, but I don't know WHY?!" stories lately. Much time is being spent on trying to figure out the REASON why this happened. Sometimes we just need a reason to move on. It seems to me that we should at least get to know WHY it is happening. Maybe there is no reason but COME ON, usually there is some kind of reason. Why do dudes feel compelled to tell the ladies bullshit? Things like, "we don't have chemistry" or "I just don't know". Maybe sometimes there isn't. Maybe sometimes you don't know but I think a lot of times you do. I think you are trying to spare our feelings or something?

Here's a tip; stop fucking "sparing our feelings" because it isn't working. We aren't stupid. We know there is another reason. Maybe you don't like us, maybe you don't want to have a girlfriend, maybe there is someone else. At least start telling the truth, it will make it that much easier for us to understand and then we'll realize what all of friends is saying is true - you don't deserve us anyway.

***

Anyway. I am doing a bit better since my last post. Thank you for your nice comments. I know that a lot of people feel this way and sometimes just knowing you aren't the only one wondering these things can make you feel better. Knowing I am not the only crazy one looking at everyone and thinking "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!" does make me SLIGHTLY more comfortable. I feel like the entire reason for Heaven is so that people feel better about dying. And I suppose there is not a better reason than that.

Tomorrow I will take a little airplane trip to Michigan for my cousin's wedding reception on Saturday (here's us a few years back). I am looking forward to seeing my extended family, many for the first time in almost three years. I will be glad to see my mom, who I haven't seen in months. I love my friends and they are my CHOSEN family but I think with all the things I have been thinking about lately, it will be nice to see the people who HAVE TO LOVE ME because we're related. Even when I am nuts.

Sometimes we just need to go home.

I know the sky is what makes the ocean blue.

So, this is it right? Or... we're not sure. Maybe there is more after this. Maybe there is SOMETHING ELSE. Something unknown. Maybe it is just the end, when it is the end. Maybe there is life after. Maybe we float into the sky and watch over the people we love. Maybe we don't. Maybe there is nothingness.

Maybe.

I've been thinking a lot about death again. And I know everything you are going to say. Life is short. Make the most of it while you are here. There is no point dwelling on it because we all die. Death is what makes life important. Energy doesn't die. Focus on the good things. Be happy for your life NOW.

And, I am.

I know all of that.

It doesn't make me feel any better.

Sometimes I lie in the dark and all I can think is EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE. It is the only thing in my head. And my eyes fill up with tears and I feel sick to my stomach. It is getting to the point where it starts to paralyze me. I mean not LITERALLY. I can get up and walk around but I am still thinking it. I am smilling, I am hugging my friends, I am laughing at your jokes but I am thinking "you're dead. We're all dead. Someday when we don't even know it, there we go."

Obviously it gets worse when someone I know has died. I mean that makes sense right? It is on my mind. Maybe it is part of the grief? But the fact that I can't really get past it, that somehow I can't accept it even when I know every LOGICAL thing about it, that is what I worry about. Will I ever get over it? Will it ever be okay? Somehow, I don't think it will.

And I am not exactly sure what I should do with that.