pretty crabby

I'm sick and may be halucinating. You've been warned.

I remember that breathing was nice. Smelling things, that was nice too. I have not been able to use my nose in any real way for about a week now. I won't tell you about what is going on INSIDE MY NOSE, it's not pretty. The other night it was completely and totally blocked as if I was trying to breathe through a brick, yet, it was also dripping. That? Was disgusting. I would try to fall asleep and then I would feel it, about to drip. I finally fell asleep literally holding a clump of toilet paper next to my head. Yes, I have a boyfriend. No one knows why.

Coming back to work after time off has been very hard. My body hurts. I feel old. Today I think I had a hot flash. Why is the screen blurry? Am I going blind? Are you there God? It's me, Complainey.

So. I'm confused about this whole TIME THING. Specifically, how is it already December almost?!? I mean, REALLY. Things are flying by and I know I already said that but I am SERIOUS NOW and I need things to slow down. I feel like tomorrow i am going to be sitting in a rocking chair on a porch somewhere, surrounded by 17 cats.

I've decided that the only way to combat the whole HOLY SHIT TIME STOP FUCKING ME OVER thing is to have a lot of fun. I am getting excited for Christmas and presents and also the 11 days in a row (YES, ELEVEN) that I will have off of work. My mom will be coming to visit and maybe we'll go shopping and we'll probably lie around and eat cheese and watch movies. Sweet. I am so good at all of those things.

Oh, and soon my best friend and her cute adorable most excellent baby will be moving closer to me. Which is rad and makes me so happy. If life is going to be this fast and this short, I want to spend it with people I like.

Have I mentioned my boss is being a crab lately? He wants me to read his mind. WHERE DOES IT SAY 'mind reading' ON MY RESUME? Um, exactly nowhere. 

Last night I had a dream that I rode up to the top of a hill on a little bus with a bunch of people I didn't know. The bus was bigger than the top of the hill so we kind of rocked back and forth on top of the hill, looking out over the landscape. It was really beautiful and amazing, but it also scared the shit out of me.

That's what life is like, you know?

Thankfulness

• A nice roof over my head.
• My fatty
• Having a good ole' family and two parents who I can really say anything to
• My chosen family
• All the nice Internet friends I got to meet this year
• slipper socks, pajama pants, comfy coziness
• The happiest place on earth
• Gingerbread lattes
• All the healthy babies born to my friends this year, including my best friend
• Every little moment that makes life so awesome and so worth it.

I hope you are thankful for your life and happy to be here. We only get so long on the dance floor, so kick up your heels and HAVE FUN.

And now, cried Max, let the wild rumpus start!

Next week is Thanksgiving.

I kind of can't believe it. My birthday was already four months ago, seriously, WHERE IS THE TIME GOING?

I have a theory that as you get older the years seem smaller because they are less of your life. Have I tortured you with this theory before? You know, when you're three years old a year is one third of your life. When you are thirty, a year is only one thirtieth of your life. So you know, less and less, faster and faster every minute. Hold on tight or it will spin you off!

Anyway. So, Thanksgiving. I like Thanksgiving a lot even though sometimes it just seems like a holiday in which gorge ourselves until we can't breathe. I like the ritual of things, the watching the parade, the setting the table, everyone loud and chaotic and running around. This year for the first year in a long time I won't be with either of my parents or my family but with the dudes family and so the chaos won't be mine.  Maybe I can sit back on the side of the tornado or maybe I will get carried away by it and that would be okay.

In other news, I am watching 90210 on Soapnet and Brenda and Dylan ran away to Cabo and the SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN. I mean, Cindy and Jim are REALLY upset and I don't know if Brenda and Dylan will make it, you guys. Brenda is pouting in her bed while Kelly's mom is about to marry David's dad and Kelly is running around with that carpenter Jake and I SMELL SPIN OFF.  Maybe soon Brenda will go to Paris and pretend to be French and meet "Reek" and meanwhile Kelly and Dylan will be making out by a fire that threatens to burn Dylan's giant gelled hair off his head.

I am not sure how it is all going to work out, but I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Let's! Get! Beautiful!

I have launched a new little beauty site. I thought I should use my powers for good. Who knows if a weblog is GOOD but whatever, I needed another way to kill time at work. You know how it is.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

http://tallulah-blue.com/

Well. This is... interesting.

Well. This is... interesting., originally uploaded by emilym.

I am simultaneously embarrassed and impressed with my dedication to the cause. The lipgloss cause.

And you are?

I am going to steal my friend Wendy's idea and ask you to answer a couple questions for me. I know I have a lot of people stopping by, so far this week there were 410 of you! Taiwan, India, the UK, New Zealand, you all visited me!

So, in light of my day, please post me a comment and answer these questions:

1. Where the heck are you?

2. Tell me something about yourself.

3. What's the best thing (your favorite thing, whatever) about your life?

Thank you.

Irreplaceable

Dearest Asshole(s);

I am not sure exactly why you chose my dad's house to break into. There are many other lovely houses on the block, and not that any of them deserve to be broken into but what made you pick their house? Is the corner more convenient for your getaway car? Do people even HAVE getaway cars? You took the nicest piece of his luggage to pack up HIS things in, so maybe you just got on the fucking bus. I'll guess we'll never know.

What kind of criminal takes old family photos?

You took a box full of things that I have played with since I was little. Things I have known for my whole life. Things my dad bought and was given and held onto through many moves and many lifetimes. What are you going to do with them??? Are you happy you have my baby teeth? They are meaningless to you and I am sure you will just throw them away. You'll throw my dad's history away. You'll throw pieces of me in the trash. I hope you got what you needed with paintings and pictures and mementos.

What are you going to do with these things?

Why couldn't you have just taken the TV?

I know, and my dad knows, it is only stuff. I am so glad they weren't home, I am glad they are all okay.

But it was HIS FUCKING STUFF.

It makes me think, we're all just taking little pieces of each other. Every day, that is what we do. And that makes me really sad.

Rot in hell, you fucking dickwad.

Conclusion

I could not have loved another person more than the boy I loved when I was fourteen.

When I think about it now I realize he was the kind of person who would completely and utterly annoy me if I met him today. He was a show off, a completely obvious flirt. There was not one subtle thing about him including the Obsession cologne he apparently bathed in daily.

But I knew his walk from a hundred feet away. Once we sat in the morning group circle and threw sticks at each other for awhile. I wrote something in my diary that day about how I was in love and OBVIOUSLY he loved me back. Because he threw sticks at me.

He had the kind of fame you get in summer camp, where your popularity is not measured on your school clothes. It is measured only by the group of kids you are making laugh and how silently you can sneak out the wooden screen door in the middle of the night. Running through the dewy night time air wearing your bathing suit under your clothes, you all escape to the beach and sit in the darkness huddled close together because he said that is what you should do.

He started "going out" with my friend, Daniella. She was beautiful and sarcastic, the coolest of the girls. Because she wanted me there it would often be the three of us, together/alone. Once we ended up hiding in his cabin late at night and somehow we all got mixed up and he and I were laying side by side in the dark. My shoes fell on the floor and were lost beneath the bunks, everyone too scared of being caught to move or speak. Daniella laid silently on the bed above us with another boy, we were like a game of Yahtzee; letters scattered everywhere not making any sense. Our tan arms touched, he made a joke about laying next to a girl and "not doing anything". He was 14 years old.

A summer later he and I stood in a bathroom together in a huge house I had never been in before while he inspected his recently pierced ear in the mirror. His coolness was already starting to fade but I felt nostalgic for everything right then in that moment. I matched us up in front of my eyes, this is how we look together.

It didn't seem right. I washed my hands and left the room.

Three, oh three, is a magic number.

Hey, Pretty Crabby is three years old! It is now forming full sentences and getting really pissed if you don't give it that toy RIGHT THIS MINUTE. You can't reason with PC now, three years old will not be rational!

My actual online anniversary (god, how lame) is a few months before when I made myself a blogspot blog. I did this mostly because I was spending all my time at work reading other people's blogs and thinking "HA THAT IS SO FUNNY maybe I could write something which is only half as good!" I set very high goals for myself, clearly.

I did not know I would meet a lot of cool people and they would buy me shots and let me sleep on their couch and send me presents and just be generally pretty fucking awesome. Even when people steal writing from you (which happened this week, how weird) you don't get mad, you just think "hey, get a life, douchebag!"

Anyway, I hope someday I can be in one big room with all the cool people I have met on the interwebs. You are all super cool and I'm glad to know you.

Happy Birthday, Pretty Crabby!