pretty crabby

A Monday list

I'm tired but I feel like writing SOMETHING. So a list it is! How very Monday of me.

1. I watched the SAG Awards last night, or some of them. I clapped and cheered when The Office won. I miss The Office and all the other shows I watch. Of which there are about three. LOST comes back this week but it seems like it will be foreplay with no finish. Eight episodes?! Come ON. My one question watching those awards was Mickey Rooney. So. He's 87. He's been married to some hot ladies (8 times!). He's been in the movies since he was a kid. But he came out like he was the President Of Hollywood. Which, who am I to say, maybe he is. But when you stand to the left of the podium waiting for people to give you a standing ovation DON'T ACT ALL SURPRISED when they begrudingly get up and do it. And then he introduced his wife in the audience! He was PRESENTING AN AWARD. Ugh. I guess when you have been famous your entire life, you could kind of lose perspective on things.

2. For my mom's birthday I have bought my ticket to Vegas, our Cirque de Soliel tickets, made our hotel reservation. We are staying in a hotel that has tigers. In it. For some reason! Now I am broke! But it will be fun. I am looking forward to the day we spend at the Grand Canyon. I have my new camera, I will take a ton of pictures and be amazed by beauty. Then I will wander around Vegas and be amazed by access. I hadn't thought of a New Years resolution yet but now I have and I think it is HAVE MORE FUN. I want to do more things with the people I love. I have been giving more EVENTS as presents lately. I mean, who needs more crap?!? I would rather do SOMETHING with the people I love than give them A THING they don't need.

3. I've been thinking a lot about Heath Ledger. And, like Wendy said, I am not entirely sure WHY. He's just another actor, right? Just some movie star with a glamourous life that I did not know. I guess it is because he seemed sort of normal. He seemed to be a guy trying to live his life and do it the best way he could. And he was a talented guy who loved his daughter and had trouble sleeping... he was just having another day. Then he laid down and didn't get up. And that was that. Life is so short. You just don't know when your time will be up.

4. January. God, January. You really rip my heart out and make my brain hurt. Every year I forget how shitty you are and then you come back, even worse than before. Thank God you are almost done now. I will not miss you.

5. On the last day of January my pal Ellery will be twelve years old. I cannot believe it. As The Dude says, time is relentless. You can't stop it. And now my sweet little guy is 12. Happy Birthday, my sweetest.

This one's for my homies.

So. I've had a rough week. I took my earlier post about it down because I don't want one post to define what is going on with me. It is bigger than a post on a weblog could ever be. It matters to me so much more than that.

To top it all off, on Thursday I cried in front of my boss. I don't know if I am in the right job. And I keep saying that, I have said it for years. I wonder how to change that and what to do next. Everything seems so big and so complicated right now and that is just one more thing I am thinking about. I am taking things one day at a time. I am trying and trying and trying.

One thing that has helped this week is all the love I have gotten from the Internet.

When I moved to California in 1997 the Internet was my life line to my friends. The friends I had for years, the friends who were my family. I spent hours on the Internet sending emails back and forth and then I started surfing the web (late to the party as usual) more and more. I got an office job in 98 and that cinched it. I started to find blogs and talk to people around the world. The Internet became a way to meet friends, not just keep in touch with the ones I already had.

I felt them all this week, my Internet friends. Sarah Hatter sent me flowers. Sarah Brown emailed me every day to see how I was. Caitlin and Wendy and Cat IM'd me every day to see what was up. The Byrne Unit made me laugh. I got lovely emails from Danielle, and Heather, and Kristin, and Angela. Everyone offered an ear and support, if I needed it. I felt like you all had my back and that made me feel less alone. You guys are awesome, you warmed my heart.

I realize I don't have to call you "my Internet friends" anymore. I can just call you friends.

Thanks.

My buddy.

Whiskers, originally uploaded by emilym.

Elroy is the best cat ever. You know how you have that one pet that you will always look back on as being the best? I know Elroy is that cat for me.

Right now he is licking his fur off again. I have tried every home remedy I can think of. So, now he gets to go the vet. Which he will hate. Also, have you tried carrying an 18lb cat in a carrier? Yeah. It's interesting.

I have a drs appt on Wednesday which will cost me $10. Elroy's will cost at least $80. It drives me crazy how much our love for our pets is taken advantage of. But I would pay much more for Elroy. He's the best buddy I know.

Resolved

When do you come to a point when you stop?

How much effort do I make for people who make no effort back? How many times should I lie in front of the bus just so someone can run me over. (That's rhetorical.)

I think I discovered my New Years resolution. I think it is stop giving when it is clear people do not want what you have to give. I'm tired of caring about the people in my life so much more than they care about me.

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week.

On Sunday afternoon the dude and I went to visit our friends and their newish baby. Then another friend came over with her even newer baby and then our pregnant friend showed up. There is something in the water... and apparently that something is sperm! So, I played with the babies and Katia and I did some dancing and everyone was all "you are so good with babies! When are you having one!?" and then they would talk about how their boobs were so hard, they can't go to the bathroom by themselves, and they never sleep or have sex anymore. SIGN ME UP FOR HAVING BABIES IMMEDIATLELY PLEASE.

I like babies, I really do. They are cute, they smell good, and then they get a little bigger and say funny things. I think they are tops. But I also don't want one. At least, not right now. Talk to me in four or five years. Right now I am liking sleeping in and reading books and spending money on useless things like makeup and bags and new pants.

On the way out of our friends house, Bob and I stopped to rub the buddah in the hallway. I was all, "rub his belly, it is good luck!" and so we did and then we stumbled down the stairs and went home. On Tuesday he found $100 on the street and then yesterday I won a camera. What?! Maybe that really WAS good luck! I told my friend that we rubbed her buddah and as far as I know she has been out in her hallway since, rubbing that thing raw.

The camera thing was strange because a month of so ago, someone from Now Public contacted me through Flickr and asked if they could use one of my photos. Sure, I said! And never thought about it again until I got this email saying my photo was one of their top 5. Well, okay! I get a video camera (which I may turn around and sell, or maybe not). I decided to enter some other contests, you know just in case. I am hoping the Caribbean vacations pan out. I really need a tan.

Did I tell you that I am taking my mom to Las Vegas for her 60th birthday? Well, I am. We are going to see this. She's excited. I am excited to see all the craziness and lights and Elvises and go to the desert which I think I will love. Hot, dry, pretty, what is not to love?

Oh and next weekend, Wendy is coming to visit. I have not met her yet in person but I think I will love her too. Pretty, buzzed, funny, what is not to love?!

Jukebox

Wake Up Little Susie is the first song I ever loved. I am six years old, riding in the back of our VW Rabbit, going to Lake Dunmore, telling my mom to turn it up. I cut all the hair off my doll, Jenny, and now she resembles a militant lesbian but I love her more for it.

When I am seven my teacher plays Here Comes The Sun every day during lunch. We sit side by side at the long orange table in our classroom, and it plays over and over. She must be repeating it on her own, she must be a George Harrison fan.

Leah and eight year old me dance in the puddles in her driveway until we are soaked and on the wet ride home my mom plays Billie Jean on the car tape deck. It's a short ride so when we get home and the song is still playing, we wait for it to end before we get out of the car.

There's so much past inside my present

I am starting off the new year by stealing. I got this idea from Erin who got it from Heather B. and Schmutzie. The Internet, one big orgy of stolen ideas! Hurrah!

The idea was to go back and pick one post you like best from the last year. So, here are mine. Happy New Year.

• January - Fare Thee Well
• February - um, I didn't write a thing in February. I moved, shit happened.
• March - Who's gonna throw the first stone...
• April - I want some sugar on my tongue.
• May - I wrote one post in May. May was hard.
• June - 7 minutes in heaven.
• July - This one
• August - The sun in California, it drops right into the sea.
• September - Elementary
• October - Things I loved at 15
• November - Conclusion
• December - Honey, you're the rock upon which I stand

In honor of the new year, I added a new blog category called simply enough, Writing. I hope to do more of that this year.