pretty crabby

Encircle me I need to be taken down.

Wow, this is boring.

I am trying to think of how to even start this entry and I feel sort of... BLAH. It is my general mood these days and I am writing this and thinking "eh, who cares!" It's so boring and pathetic but all I can think is, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

And I guess this is it. Right? I am thirty two now. By all accounts I am Grown Up. I don't feel grown up. I feel like a bit of a failure... in that I don't have The Job I Should Have. Or something. BLAH. That is all I can say. BLAH.

I should be writing every day. I should be pursuing on-line stuff. I should be working out. I should be moving forward. But I am just stuck here. In my sweat pants. Wondering where to start.

Lately I keep thinking about when we moved. I was nine and I have written about it before. We moved away from where we had lived my entire life, and to a new place which was kind of awful. Of course my mom didn't know it would be awful when she took a risk and moved us forward. You never know what is going to happen. And we moved closer to my dad and that was good but it was also so hard. This feels like a new risk I took and it is not awful, it not even that hard, but I feel the same somehow. Sort of lost and wondering what to do next. Luckily I am not teased mercilessly every day or abandoned by the people who said they were my best friends the day before.  You could not pay me enough money to make me go back to that.

And then there was fifteen. God, was there anything worse than 15? (my parents would say no) I remember just always feeling so lonely and alone and sad. Which, who doesn't, right? It is awful for everyone. Growing up is hard.

Now I feel back there again lately. Like I am growing up. Like I am figuring it out, kind of. And all my friends are having babies and getting married and having these LIVES and it is not easy for any of them but I want to say "wait!" because I am not ready for them to grow up and leave me behind. Which of course they aren't. But I feel it.

Meanwhile I am living with the dude now and we have this life together and OKAY when did that happen? I used to come to this apartment to visit him and his roommate and it was darker and hard to be here sometimes and I didn't know where I stood with him. He would go in his room and close the door and I would sit RIGHT WHERE I AM SITTING NOW and feel sad and lonely. Now we live together and tonight we will sleep in the same bed like we do every other night and man, sometimes that is just really fucking weird.  Not bad, but STRANGE. Seriously, how did I end up here? I would walk by sometimes at night (because I lived a block away, remember) and make a note of if his light was on. One time I walked up the stairs and my heart was beating SO LOUD I could hear it inside my head. Now I live here. I have the keys. I pay rent. Weird.

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Well, this is long and disjointed. Which is what is going on right now. Aside from the election which is the only other thing I care about. I can't remember caring this much about the world and hoping as much as I do that the outcome I want will happen.  It is like waiting for a guy to call after a date only on a much huger scale. Like, universally huge. Four years ago on election day I wrote I feel sick with worry and anticipation, my stomach hurts and I just looked at CNN.com and almost threw up. I am excited and FREAKED OUT. Yeah, so that hasn't really changed. Let's hope the next day I will feel differently.

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Do you own The Con by Tegan and Sara? God, it is so good. I love the title song, Hop a Plane and Nineteen. If you don't want to commit to the whole CD, download those songs. They are so so so good.

That's all.

Vote for Hope!

Obama '08 - Vote For Hope from MC Yogi on Vimeo.

Acid Tongue by Jenny Lewis

Buy this CD.

Download 05_acid_tongue_1.m4p

Everybody cares everybody understands

I have been having weird dreams lately. I guess it is because in the day time there is just not too much going on. I am just job hunting and running errands and being a homebody and thinking. And thinking.

Last night I had a dream I was in my grandparents house, except it was nothing like their house at all. And I heard my grampa singing except he would always hum and not sing. He was making a sandwich. He was talking about Bob Dylan and how he rode in a car with him sometimes? My grampa was not a Bob Dylan fan. Also, Bob Dylan is not dead but I got the impression my grampa meant they rode in cars together in heaven. It was very convuluted (obviously) and didn't make much sense. Everything was sort of just left of being correct. Which is how dreams often are, I know. The bottom line is I miss my grampa and I wonder where he is.

It is very much Fall here now. It is cold and every day I need a scarf and leaves are crunching under my feet. The leaves crunching always makes me feel like I am walking to school. It is forever connected with new jeans and new school supplies and some feeling of responsibility. Except now what I am responsible for is more than homework and taking out the trash. It is paying rent and bills and buying food and having a job.

Which I don't.

It is a weird time. I feel happy and then I feel anxious and then I feel like I should be doing more than I am doing. All the time I feel that. I feel nostaligic and sort of sad and... something else I am not sure even has a name.

I also need this election to just happen already because I cannot deal with the anticipation and the sense of dread/hope. I feel like I had a date and I am waiting for him to call. Will he be awesome and amazing or a scary monster?

Like I keep telling my friends, onward and upward.

Onward and upward.

Tumbling

By the way, I have a tumblr blog now. Mostly I have been ranting about politics so if you don't like Obama, don't go there.

Do you have a tumblr blog? Post it in the comments if you do!

The Friday Five

Back when I had the blogspot blog I used to always try to do The Friday Five.
And hey! It's Friday! So I thought I would revisit it. Just because I can!

What did you want to be when you were a kid?
I think I wanted to be a teacher. I remember saying that. Or a nurse, which was what my mom did (and does). I remember liking dolls and cartoons but when I was very small I don't remember thinking about The Future too much. In my teenage years, I remember just thinking it would be good to be a happy adult.

What is your proudest accomplishment so far?
I am proud that I am a functional (mostly) adult and a caring person. I am proud of the relationships I have and I am proud of the people I have surrounded myself with. There is not a bad apple in the bunch.

What is your dream job?
I am trying to figure that out right now.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
I really have no idea. 10 years ago I had just come back from California and was starting my first real admin job that I would stay at for two years. I was about to move into an apartment with my first roommates and have my first "real" relationship. I barely recognize who I was then compared to who I am now. So it is hard to imagine what will happen in the next 10 years.

What does it take to make you happy?
Not very much. Coffee, pajamas, a cozy bed, a certain boy, a fat cat. Or, alternatively, an ocean beach where I can swim.

Boobs for Obama

Boobs for Obama, originally uploaded by emilym.

Yep, I am putting my boobs on the Internet. I am doing it for the future. I am doing it for the children.

New on the Internets!

I wrote a post for Hair Thursday which is up today. Here is the link right to my post.  Write a comment if you like it so Sarah will want to have me back!

I also have been updating Tallulah Blue more. One of these websites need to take off already, don't you think? I am so good at staying in my pajamas all day.

Oh, yeah, did I mention my job fell through and I am unemployed? Yeah... that happened. So cross your fingers for me finding a job soon and if you know any rich people looking for someone to give money to, you can have them email me. I have also been looking into virtual assistant jobs. Do you need anything done in PowerPoint? Or someone to answer emails for you? I wish I could virtually make you coffee because I am awesome at that too.

Email me if you think of anything else. I totally have time to respond right now!

This side up.

Tracie's post about falling over (or rather getting pushed over) inside a revolving door reminded me of the time I fell on the escalator. Did I tell you this story?

It was many years ago and I was babysitting for my friend, Martin, who was two or three at the time (but is 17 now and taller than I am). He was walking next to me as I pushed his stroller along and we made our way to the escalator at the Prudential Center in Boston. At the time this was the middle of a construction site and it was an old Sesame Street monster kind of escalator with angry teeth and a rickety rail.

As I pushed the stroller onto the step, Martin let go of the stroller and went to grab my hand. Which was totally reasonable as the escalator was kind of frightening, even to me. For some reason this whole interaction threw me completely off balance and I don't even know how it happened but the next thing I know I was laying with my feet above my head, going UP the escalator laying on my back. This was both comfortable AND safe!

Meanwhile, Martin had fallen forward and was crying (as you do) and the kind woman in front of us grabbed him and pulled him up. While she did this she was saying "get up, Mom! Get up!" and I was thinking that a) I can't! My feet are above my head! Gravity does not allow me to sit up right now. And b) I am not old enough to be this kid's mom, lady! Sheesh, how rude. Can't you see my natural glowing skin? As my head rapidly fills with blood!? 

Luckily I had short hair at the time so my head was not grabbed and squished by the horrible angry teeth. Otherwise I would probably be dead (or scalp less) right now.

Finally we made it to the top of the escalator. I kind of slid off and ended up sitting there dazed on the floor. The woman was still demanding that I "stand up, Mom!" and Martin was grabbing at me trying to escape this loud (presumptuous) lady.

When I tried to stand up I found that my ankle was a noodle and I fell right over again. Whee! Apparently bending your ankles backwards is not good for them. Also we had caused quite a scene and now there was a crowd. And THEN there was an ambulance! Someone called an AMBULANCE! Probably because Martin was crying and had a scrape on his chin and I was yelling at the woman who thought I was his mom (okay, not really). I declined to go to the hospital and instead pushed him home in his stroller, limping all the way.

Days later my ankle was purple and blue and very impressive looking.  I think it is good to have a dramatic briusey injury when you have a crazy ass fall, then people really believe your story.

The end!

Then! In Rwanda...

Last night was Cringe in Boston. It was, as goes without saying, fun. My favorite parts were that my dad was there to hear me read and then later when Sarah, Anne, the dude and I all came back to our house and had some drinks on the porch. I am sorry you couldn't be there. Although my porch can only hold so many people really.

Click on Miss Sarah Brown if you would like to see some photos.

Had I been organized enough I would have handed someone my camera to capture my reading. But people laughed. I felt good about it.

Here is one thing I read:
I had a dream about a bomb last week and then on Wednesday a huge bomb went off and all these people were killed. I try to think about how lucky I am and all that, but then I just start to think about my problems again. Then! In Rwanda there was a giant masacre. And even MORE people died. It's really sad. I wonder when people started killing other people or was it just something that evolved like Adam and Eve.

Oy.