pretty crabby

Alphabet A History. C: California

In the fall of 1997 I moved to California. I’ve been thinking about that time a lot lately, for many reasons. I had a car there and since I was alone and didn’t really know anyone, or feel brave enough to go out and meet  many people, I drove a lot. I drove all over and I saw every corner of Berkeley that there was to be seen. I used to drive up into the Berkeley Hills and park my car and sit there with music playing, just looking at the lights. 

I saw a lot of movies then. Every weekend I used to drive that little car to the movie theater and see whatever was playing. I saw a lot of crap that year. I spent a lot of time at Borders looking at CD’s. I bought every Billy Bragg CD there was and played them constantly in a heavy rotation with Tom Waits and Joni Mitchell.

At some point I found a local pool and I started going there and swimming after work. I am not good at doing laps and so I would slowly swerve into other people’s lanes. Twice I was swimming along and was smashed into by someone as I listed into their lane. Oops. I was the uncoordinated person in the pool, so usually I would just sit still in my own lane, laying on my back, looking up at the moon rise. Palm trees overhead. Swimming in a pool, in February.

The nine months that I spent in California were the very loneliest of my life. And some of the best. I always thought I wanted to be in California, I always thought that was where I was supposed to be. Maybe some day I am. It is corny to say but I learned so much about who I am when I was there. Like Dorothy I went all the way to Oz only to realize my home was where I had been all along.

In the last month I was there I got a tattoo on my back to remember that time. It says Strength, Trust, Faith. Is it all about what I learned there about myself. Have the strength to know yourself and to do what you need to do. Trust the hard decisions you make. Have faith they are the right ones, have enough faith in yourself to know that you are exactly where you need to be.

Stand still.

"A possibility was born the day you were born and it will live as long as you live." Marcus Solero

I have been thinking about that quote all day today. I have been thinking a lot about my grandparents lately. And my great grandparents. And everyone who came before that. I see my parents missing their parents and I am so sad for them, and I am scared for myself. What will I do when I am in their shoes and I can't pick up the phone and call them up? Where will they be? What is going to happen to me?

I have a lot of questions. And there are no answers, or, the answers I get are never good enough. I know this is the basis of Faith. People have Faith in God so they can feel less afraid about what happens after this earth bound life. But for whatever reason, for myself, I don't believe in that. I am sure some people feel sorry for me for that... I feel glad they have that Faith themselves. I get upset when people try to push that on others. What is more personal than your beliefs? You can't expect someone to share those just because you want them to. Luckily, we are all individuals and we have minds to make up ourselves.

My grandparents had Faith. I remember when I would be at their house when I was growing up and I would say good night and they would say "God bless you" and that would comfort me. Because they believed it. I used to make them laugh by saying silly possibly not particularly religious things and my grampa would laugh and say "God bless you", maybe to comfort himself. I don't know where they are now. I "pray" sometimes that they will come and tell me they are okay. I have had one dream about my grampa since he died. All he told me was he loved me and that was lovely but I still wish he could come back and tell me where he is. My mom says "they're everywhere". Someday my mom, my dad, myself, we'll be everywhere too. But WHERE is that?

Every year after my birthday I feel this way. It's the Birthday Blues I guess. It's getting older and thinking about where you have been. I miss the Birthday cards from my grandparents. I wish they were here so I could call them up and hear them say "God bless you". But I can't.

I wish I could freeze time now. With my parents here, with my friends, with my love, and Elroy. My life is a happy thing and I am trying to hold on so tight to everything so nothing will change. But I know I can't.

Everything changes, and that is just how it goes.

From the other side of 33.

So, what did you do this weekend? 

 

 

I turned 33. So far, it is pretty okay. Although I CANNOT DRINK ANYMORE please don't make me. Yesterday was my friend Carl's birthday and it was the 7th party or dinner I had attended in a week. LIFE IS SO HARD THERE ARE SO MANY PARTIES and I am running out of dresses to wear! 

But Saturday night when I sat on the porch and waited for my party guests to show up, everything was pretty okay. I am not sure exactly what life is about but when my best friends and family are singing me Happy Birthday and all the people (or most of them) that I love the most are all in one room, things feel pretty damn okay.

I am a lucky girl.

Birthday Week

Hello and welcome to my birthday week! 

Lately a few people have told me "oh, I am not into my birthday" or "don't bring me any presents". Um, I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT. Do you hate your life? Are you unhappy about things? If the answer is NO then I think there is no reason you should hate your birthday or not accept presents. It's your BIRTHDAY. It is one day a year and it is about you. People love you! They want to be with you and celebrate YOU! We need to except these kind of things and absorb them. It is like some kind of weird thing where people don't accept compliments. EXCEPT THE GOOD THINGS PEOPLE WANT TO GIVE YOU. That is what life is about. 

This year I am 33. (I also will always happily accept my age. Which of course is easy for me to say NOW I know, but hey, this is what thirty three looks like. I have worked hard every one of my years and damn straight, I am going to say how old I am and enjoy it). So, that's kind of weird. I mean wasn't I 17 like JUST THE OTHER DAY. Although, I don't remember what I did on my 17th birthday. Or my 18th. On my 19th we had a party but my cat had just been run over and on my 20th I got a tattoo... but ANYWAY some of those other birthdays have been lost along the way. I killed those brain cells. Thanks, Vodka!

Like I was saying, today starts my Birthday Week. We should all have a whole week in which we do things we want to do. I mean, being a single person with no kids I basically do that anyway but during My Birthday Week I try to do something SPECIAL every day. So far I have planned a pedicure, going to the movies with a friend, maybe getting a massage and/or a haircut, going to my two favorite restaurants in Boston, going to Sephora and buying needless lipgloss, and having a birthday party. Oh, I also go to Starbucks every day and don't think too much about the $5 they want for a latte. It's My Birthday Week! Money is no object! (kind of). 

Anyway, even if it is not your Birthday Week you should go do something nice for yourself. Life is short, we have to make this shit count. 

"The world was moving she was floating above it and she was..."

It has been disgustingly gray and cold here since mid-June. Needless to say, this makes everyone VERY CRABBY and made people say stupid things like, "well, it's still really gray BUT it's not raining!" or "it's getting BRIGHTER!" said while you could not see anything but gray fog. UGH. When the winter is so long and cold and then the summer sucks, you kind of question WHY you live in a certain place. It makes you rethink all your life choices thus far. Or at least that is what I do. So thank God the sun finally came out yesterday so I could stop with all that bothersome thinking. Ow, my head!

And today is the 4th of July, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA! You are kooky and wacky but you are a pretty nice place and I appreciate how fortunate I am to live here. So, Happy Day. You don't look a day over 230.

A year ago right now the Dude and I were in the VIrgin Islands, dancing at an epic parade which lasted for five hours. We went to eat lunch, came back, and the same float was still in the same place. Things move slowly there. It might be all the rum.

Today two of my friends are getting married and I am going to take pictures and wear my new blue dress and be in the sun... and that all makes me happy. Now that the sun finally decided to show it's lovely face I can say officially THIS IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR. It starts with the 4th, then my uncle's birthday, then my dad's, then mine, then a few other friends. A lot of parties and barbecues and trips to the ocean. I wish the whole year could be as happy and fun.

I hope wherever you are it is happy and fun! Summer!