pretty crabby

Falling for you.

Life just keep happening and going and WHOOSH, there it goes.

One friend is engaged; one has a sick parent; one just got married; one had a baby. I would like to write about something light and carefree but this year has just been heavy and it has been a lot. There have been good things, so many lovely good things but the bad things? They have been so bad and so much, and they haven't even happened to ME but I feel the weight of them. I feel for my friends and the people I love. I wonder what will happen. I wait and see.

On Saturday we walked up a hill and looked at our city. It's a nice city. It's been home for a long time now. I grew up here. I moved away and I came back. Lots of people I love are here. When I am looking out at my skyline, my city, I feel like I am looking at an old friend. When I go away and come back, it's always waiting for me.

Seriously, sometimes I don't even know what I am talking about. I am just a girl trying to figure things out. I've been thinking about America and how as a whole we are a country which doesn't really think about ourselves.  Have you been to those places where everyone just gets up and goes to work and comes home and they are FINE. They are happy. But you can see that they aren't thinking at all about their place in the world or what comes after this. There seems to be one layer and that is it. How can't they wonder? Are they just that happy and contented? I sort of envy that and wonder what that must feel like. I lie in bed at night and think about the end of the world.

It doesn't make me better or worse, it just is how it is right now. I wonder what the point of all of this is. This, LIFE. Any of us, being who we are. Getting up, watching hours of Bravo marathons. Buying meaningless Ugg boots. Surfing the web. Going to work. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

What does all this wondering, thinking, analyzing get me? Does it move me forward or just keep me in the same place watching things go by?

I guess I just don't know yet.

Things That Happened In The Last Two Weeks

• My pants button flew off. Just for no reason. I have LOST 14 lbs, so WTF?
• I walked out of my house on Tuesday thinking "so, is this what we do every day? Just get up and go to work over and over again until we die?" and then I FELL DOWN. I fell right off the step onto the bricks. Like a ton of bricks. Falling down hurts. And it is three days later and I am still sore.
• My best friend in the world had a baby. A little boy baby. His name is Quincy and he has a chin cleft. I love him. He's my favorite new person and I am so excited he is here.
• This very sad thing happened to Mrs. Kennedy. And I don't know her (other than from our comments on Flickr and our mutual Internet friends) but I keep reading her post and sending her love. You just NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, people. Hug your families tight.
• Erin and I exchanged some text messages today and that cheered me up for a minute. We talked about booze. Three cheers for booze!
• I cried about money. Too much. I felt anxious and horrible and like a bum. I still kind of feel like a bum. Thank you to my awesome parents and my nice boyfriend for pulling me through, some more, again.
• Some of my other "best" friends have sort of let me down and that is making me sad. I am not the best person ever but at the very least I am thoughtful. I guess I don't have much more to say about that. Bah humbug.
• I potentially made plans to go to The Daily Show in June with a girl I think is pretty great. I am excited about that. I hope it works out.
• Yesterday was two months to 31. Yes, that's right, LET THE BIRTHDAY COUNTDOWN BEGIN. I will be accepting gifts in the form of cheese and Sephora mad money.
• I started a temp job. Yeah, whatever.

I guess that is all I can think of right now. I have been stressed out and overwhelmed. Next week, funeral in Omaha. If you live around there, let me know. Maybe we can meet up for a drink. I'll even let you buy. Cheers!!

Freak out

After six years in one room I have made a big decision. I am moving.

Excuse me because I have to go run around the room screaming for a second.

Okay, phew, I'm back.

So... moving. I am really good at moving. I have moved over 20 times in my life, including all the way across the country and then back, nine months later. I have moved every way you can move. Down the street, around the corner, state to state, etc. I am good at packing up and moving on, but this time it feels different. This is the longest I have lived anywhere. Ever.

But living in one room has sort of worn out its welcome and everytime I want something new I feel like I have to throw out something old. Well, let's be honest, my desire for MORE STUFF is propelling me to make a major life change. Yeah. Whatever.

I look around my little apartment and I am nostaligic for everything that has happened here. If I never moved here I wouldn't be in the relationship I am in, I wouldn't have some of the friends I have now... who knows exactly where I would be.

I think about the late nights in the summer, drinking on the patio. My garden parties. All the cozy nights I have had here. And then I hear the upstairs neighbors fighting and see everyone walking by my living room window and I am ready to stop being underneath someone else, ready to be above street level, on the third floor looking down at the world for once.

I am ready to go but I feel sad about leaving.

I feel like I will be far away from lots of people I love but I know that isn't true. Now there will just be a new way to get to them.

I know Elroy will love all the windows and the balcony, I know even my cat will be happier. I  know it is time for a big change. Now all is left is to take a deep breath and do it. 

Oh, and to pack. I guess I have to do that too.

(*sigh*)

Mmm mmm good.

I regularly tell people that I like that I am going to eat them up. Or squeeze them a lot. Or maybe smoosh them and put them in my pocket. You know, I'm flexible!

I also have been known to bite and sometimes I have to RESTRAIN MYSELF from biting hard and HURTING SOMEONE. I just like them and think they are so yummy and delicious, I WANT TO INJEST THEM. It's weird, it's twisted. I know. Trust me, I know. I also do it with my cat, and usually I just knaw on his ear a little and he gets me later by waking me up subtley nibbling on my arm. One of the first things I am known to say in the morning is, "please don't lick me. It feels weird." And so then he bites me, you know, just a little bit. He has learned. Licking, I don't like. Biting? Biting a little is okay.

Lucie (age 6) is awesome about all this because as I have said before, when I tell her I am going to eat her up she says "do it." This has become a running joke as well. DO IT. Eat us up! Right this minute. DO IT. GO. I'm ready.

Anyway, the other morning I may have crossed some sort of serial killer/stalker/weirdo line when I said something like "oooooooo, I am going to squeeze you and smoosh you until your head pops off and then I will keep it in my desk drawer! And then when I open it during the day you'll be there and you'll say 'HELLO!' and it will be great!" Um. Yay? I guess?

Apparently I am like two steps away from having severed forearms and shoulders in my fridge. Consider yourself warned.

To sleep perchance to dream.

Wow. My body hurts. I don't know what my issue is, I think I might need a new mattress. Did I mention my mattress squeaks? A whole bunch? And it is DRIVING ME INSANE? Do you think that if I sprayed the whole box spring with WD-40 that it would stop squeaking? Would that work? Is it even worth trying? Ugh. I am so sleepy.

In, YAY OH HAPPY LIFE news, I made my birthday trip reservation. I am going here! With this person I like a lot! And we will swim in the ocean and walk around and maybe go in the pool and watch movies because the hotel has a movie theater! I cannot wait. I wish it was tomorrow. But I am also happy to have something to look forward to. My birthday (yes, did you know my birthday is coming up??) is on a Sunday so I took Friday and Monday off from work because I am smart and that is just how I roll. No one should EVER work nn their birthdays. It should be against the law!

I also bought myself a new beautiful bag and new percale polkadot sheets. Nothing is happier than new sheets! They are the best.

So I am will put them on my squeaky bed and then I will lie there. Very very still.

It's all in your head.

To answer the question you haven't yet asked, yes, I cut my own hair.

It started when I was 16 and didn't give a crap about much, including the pile of dead cells coming out of my head (ew) and so I started cutting and dying my hair on a somewhat regular basis. I never did anything CRAZY, I kind of kept it "normal" because, hey, I lived in Vermont and all.

Now it's been some 14 years of doing it all by my lonesome and I am pretty happy with it. Regularly people stop me on the street to ask me WHERE I get my hair cut and I always have to sort of shrug and say "I cut it myself".

I think I know the main reason for this and, actually, there are a few. I will spend $20 on a lipgloss but spending $50 or more on a haircut that a) I probably won't like and b) I COULD DO MYSELF, well, what is the point? I also like to be in control, at least of what is on my head. And have you noticed that hairdressers NEVER listen to what you say anyway? It always ends up shorter, or spikier, or more layered (DEAR GOD THE LAYERS) and I would rather not hate someone I just gave fifty bucks to.

Sometimes I fuck up and I don't like how short I cut that piece or how that back is doing that fucking flippy thing but I also know that in two weeks it will be grown out and no one else will even be able to tell. I'm vain about A LOT of things but I am not totally vain about my hair.

Now, if only I get that okay about my knobby knees and short fat fingers...

Maybe it's because I'm an only child of divorce?

Observation:

When Elroy pushes on the screen door to try and go out, I don't say "no" or "stop it" or "stay inside".

I say: "DON'T LEAVE!"

Um. So...yeah.

Hi! I'm back! What a journey I have been on! Okay, not really, although I did go to Vermont a couple weeks ago and I had a great time.

I have lots to say but work has me busy right now. When I am not working, this pretty much sums up my life of late. I will be back soon with many comments! Aren't you excited?! Among items for discussion; street festivals; travel; weirdos at my job; and David Blane - get the fuck out of the bubble if it is so damn hard!

Back soon. Really.

"And so it goes, just like you said it would be..."

I had a bit of a hard night in which I woke up a lot, laid awake, and thought. I got kind of sick about it twice and then there were other moments when I was thinking "okay, you're overreacting. CALM DOWN." And I could. I did. I went back to sleep and dreamt that I was riding an escalator and when I got to the top I had to PHYSICALLY HOLD ON and pull myself up. When I woke up I thought "even when things are going well, even when you are going up, you still have to HOLD ON and FIGHT TO GET THERE."

I have talked about the anxiety before. More than once. It is something that comes and goes and the whole Having A Plan thing does help a lot. It makes me feel better because I know what comes next. But something you just can't make a plan. Or other people don't cooperate and BEND TO YOUR WILL and let you make a plan for them! I mean, what is that about?

But, seriously, it is the silence I can't stand. And that is so weird because QUIET I can deal with. But SILENCE just feels scary and lonely and I get nervous. I worry that something is wrong. And I KNOW that it is very arrogant to think that just because there is silence that it is ABOUT ME. Other people have things to do. Other people have LIVES.

Alex gave me this book and I have been reading it on and off. It is sort of about how your feelings come from the thoughts that you have, and maybe the thoughts are irrational, so you are basing these crazy feelings on thoughts which never made any sense in the first place. The way I do this is by turning the silence into thinking "something is wrong" and the feeling I get from that is anxiety. This then causes me to take some dramatic action which is generally illadvised. LIke calling and leaving a crazy message. Or something!

I guess that the anxiety is part of depression and that is something I haven't really written about because, honestly, I feel sort of vague about that. A lot of the time, I feel happy. I feel like I am so lucky to be where I am, to have the family and friends that I have- like I have a really good life. And I feel glad to get up in the morning and see what comes next.

Not having a job makes that all a little harder. I get worried about the money stuff and the rent stuff and the LIFE STUFF. I know I am blessed enough to have people to fall back on, but honestly, that is the last thing I want to do.

So, depression is in my blood. In some kind of way. It is like a virus that can flare up now and then, and either I can fight that off with what I already have in me, or I can't. It is in my history with family members who spent their entire lives worrying, never thinking THAT meant they were DEPRESSED. Being anxious for years and years, and never getting better.

I don't want that to be me. I don't know exactly how to prevent that now, but I feel like I am getting closer and, as corny as it sounds, I know that all the clouds have sun behind them.

Here is my brain, please wipe your feet before you come inside.

1. I stayed home today. This morning when I attempted to get up my whole body hurt. I don't know why this was. Maybe because I looked outside and it was all dreary and my bed was all cozy and Elroy was laying on my pillow with his paw in my face. And, OH THE COZINESS. So I rolled over and I went back to sleep for two more hours, as you do.

2. My job is SO BORING. I am not sure what to do. I am a contractor there and I COULD be hired as permanent if I would SPEAK UP AND ASK ABOUT THAT. But I am nervous because the last time I did that, at a different company a year ago, they were all "yes, very good idea! We'll talk about it!" and a week later they eliminated my position.The end. Also, do I want to be permanent at a place where I am SO TOTALLY BORED? I have asked for more work. I have to pace out the work I have because if I do it all at once, I won't have any work to do later. For probably days! People tell me just to sit there happily and earn my large hourly sum but do you have any idea how annoying that is? JUST SITTING THERE.

3. So, three is that I should be spending this time writing and looking for writing jobs. I have the whole World Wide Web at my fingertips! There should be no limit to what I can do! But I feel boggled, and overwhelmed. The Internets are a big place and I don't know where to begin. AAAND, it is very hard to concentrate on writing when people continually poke their head over my cube wall and tell me there is a copier jam. Which ISN'T ACTUALLY MY PROBLEM.

4. Last night I had a sort of interesting conversation with someone in which I explained that someone else I love was very sad and I was very sad for her. He kept trying to make it all LOGICAL and MEANINGFUL and "that happens to everyone" etc etc. Well, yes, it does. But now it is happening to SOMEONE I LOVE and it is not logical. It makes no fucking sense. Also love is not logical, by the way. You can't just put a size limit on the amount you are going to care about someone. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. You cannot lock up your heart just because you are scared of WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN. I mean, I guess you CAN but I don't think that is anyway to live.

5. Sarah Hatter made a new pretty Awesome logo. Please do stop by and check us out. Thanks.

6. Laundry. Piles and piles of laundry. Bye for now.

Five, oh five, it's a magic number.

Sarah made me do this. A lovely list of five of my weird habits. I wish I could say it was hard to think of five, because you know I have hardly any being SO PERFECT and all.

1. I am totally ritualistic about about my blankets and sheets. To the point of being annoying. I don't sleep with a top sheet, mainly because I hate the way it can get all tangled around my feet. Or worse, the way it can get ALL WRINKLY. Horrors! Before Christmas I was a guest at someones house and while I was laying in this bed I was trying my best to smile and not notice the blanket point was poking up in my face. My brain was saying "GAH! THINGS ARE WRONG!" as I was looking down, SMILING, at everything more than slightly askew. The sheet gathered into a kind of tether which was wrapped around my legs. How did that happen? All I did was get in and cover up!? I ended up having to kick everyone off the bed, kitty included, while I TOTALLY REMADE THE BED. As I was shaking the comforter out to be EVEN and STRAIGHT, I knocked down some lights. Um, yeeeeeeeeah. I was met with a knowing look and, "so, are you done?" What can I say? I am particular. I am The Princess and The Pea.

2. I hate when someone reads one of my magazines before I get to it. I like it to be FRESH. This can actually be blamed on an upstairs neighbor I once had. She mentioned that she liked her magazines to be CRISP and NEW when she opened them and maybe I had just never realized it but I thought "HEY! I like that too!" and now I am doomed. Thanks, Upstairs Weirdo (who also wore loud heels on the woodfloor at 3AM. Let's face it, she was kind of a dink) for showing me the dark side! Anyway, now I have to be the first person to read my new magazines AND I am relentless about picking an unblemised copy if I buy a magazine in the store. Which I shouldn't really be since once I get home and flip through them once, they spend most of their life on my floor. Then I finally give up a month later and throw them away. BUT, Sweet Baby Jesus, THEY WERE FRESH WHEN I BOUGHT THEM.

3. I believe in fate and that things happen for a reason. I also believe in this ONE Kabbalah principle about their being meaning in everyone you encounter throughout the day, even the assholes who annoy you in transit and the person who makes you your coffee. Everyone! I don't know what the PURPOSE of any of these interactions are when they happen (well, I usually don't) but it makes me feel better to feel like "well, WHO KNOWS?" and then just go about my day. I don't sit around obsessing about it, but I feel comforted by believing that there is a point to all this day to day junk. Or what may SEEM like junk at the time. This is maybe not a HABIT but I do think about it a fair amount, so that's what you are getting.

4. I watch DVD's and old movies when I clean. I didn't even realize this was a habit until I looked over at my VCR and saw Sleepless in Seattle sitting there. A movie I have seen probably 10 times. And I kind of hate Meg Ryan! Yet the other Sunday when I was going to do some cleaning up, I put it on in the background while I wandered around, folding laundry and cleaning the bathroom. Other things I regularly watch are Sex and the City DVDs, many of which I am totally sick of, yet I figure "well, when the boring parts are on I will just be doing other stuff." I like to have background noise, yet also something that distracts me. It keeps me from completely losing interest in the cleaning and just sitting there and staring at the wall. I can watch the parts I think are funny or whatever, and while the rest is on, I listen to it in the background like a song. Is this weird of me? Other movies which I like for this purpose: Almost Famous, Say Anything, Royal Tennebaums, and Bridget Jones Diary. All of which I have watched approximately 5 to 76 times. All of which I am sure I will watch again. Hey, it's Sunday which is CLEANING DAY.

5. I can't stop eating cheese. Yep, that is #5. CHEESE. I love it. If I cut cheese (hee) out of my diet, I would probably be a skinny little thing. Oh well. Not gonna happen. I read recently that cheese has some kind of thing in common with opium. Something in it makes your brain go "OOOO, good!" When I heard this I thought maybe I should start taking opium. It might be better for me.

I am not passing this onto five people because I don't feel like it but if Jen, Caitlin, and Mrs. Kennedy feel like writing about their weird little quirks, well, I hope they will.

Baby Jesus in our hearts.

On the phone with Pinky, discussing Christmas plans.

Me: What did you guys do last year?
Pinky: We went to my parents.
Me: Oh. You have to make a rule that you'll do every other year by yourselves. At home!
Pinky: Well, we also both hate our home. If we have to stay in that little apartment for any longer we'll probably kill each other.
Me: That's nice. Oh, holy night...
Pinky: Yeah. So, now we'll go to his parents.
Me: Fun. You know, I get to choose where I go because it's just me but people still get on my nerves. It's never easy. CHRISTMAS. Eh
Pinky: Right. It's not! It's hard and complicated!
Me: It's not GINGERBREAD and PEPPERMINT, it's angst and drama and YOUR FAMILY PISSING YOU OFF.
Pinky: And it's being unhappy with what you bought people because it's never what you wanted to buy! And you don't like what you got because it's always JUST LEFT of what you want! It's "Nekon".
Me: or Tiffinu!
Pinky: Right. And then you feel selfish and bad!
Me: YAY!
Pinky: It's all a LIE! It's not RELAXING or FUN.
Me: It's stressful!
Pinky: And HARD.
Me: GOD BLESS US, EVERY ONE!
Pinky: Merry Christmas!
Together: AND FUCK YOU!

Hair Dye 101

Last weekend I was emailing with the lovely and fabulous SB about how she was about to dye her hair. And did I have "any tips?!" Apparently, I did. Perhaps from dying my hair approximately 1,864 times or maybe because I am just bossy. Who can say!? Well, either way, I thought I could also share these tips with you, the Internet. Maybe they will be helpful! Maybe you think I'm a dumbass? Again, WHO CAN SAY? But, here goes. Tips! Many tips! English tips!*

ASH verses GOLDEN? So, most hair dyes are either ASH or GOLDEN. Ashes are COOL COLORS. Good for hair which is not starting out a warm lovely brown or auburny red color because the ash will turn your hair a kind of icky tone (yes, that is the correct terminology) that is probably not very attractive with your warm skin tone. Often ASH is good for people who are starting out with blondish or mousy brownish hair (like me!). GOLDEN is therefore for WARM COLORS and people who want to have reddish or darker brown highlights. It's also the more "orange/red" end of the blonde spectrum. Ash is blue based, golden is red. Not that you will have BLUE hair on the end, but that is what it is BASED on. Am I confusing you yet?

My other major tips are coming straight from the email I sent Miss Brown - now you are privy to all my inside information! She asked me "I should plan on ruining a towel, yes?"

"Well, probably. What I do (and it looks SO SEXY) is wrap a plastic bag around my head (like a CVS or grocery store bag) and kind of tuck the handles in the back and THEN put a towel on my head. That saves some of the towel and keeps your head warm. It will probably get on some of the towel though, and I would also say wear a zip up or button up shirt so you don't have to take anything off OVER YOUR HEAD once you are done dying (assuming you are going to shower and not rinse it out in the sink or something)."

Soooo, I think those are all my tips. Of course, I am always available for last minute consultations. Also, follow the directions that come with your dye - they do know what they are talking about. And don't rinse it out before it's TIME because you could catch your hair in the midst of dying and that is not good. I've had orange hair, I know. OH, and don't wash your hair for 24 hours afterwards - it takes that long for all the dye to really PENETRATE your hair shafts.

Ha, I said penetrate! And shafts!

Good luck!

*name that reference and I will love you forever. Maybe.

Welcome to the crazy train

I feel nuts.

I was sitting here at work earlier BORED OUT OF MY HEAD AS USUAL when I just started to feel so antsy, anxious, and crazy that I could barely stand it. Maybe it was that second cup of coffee but it was also just ME.

Do you ever just want to crawl out of your own head? I think if I was at home I would have laid down and tried to go to sleep just so I could STOP THINKING ALREADY. But I am sure that wouldn't have worked for the fact that my feet were all jittery and my heart was racing.

Finally, I just had to get up and run the hell out of here. I walked around the block a few times which sort of helped except I seemed to take a weird route and was walking through the ghetto (or perhaps the ghetto-lite?) and that made me feel nervous too. Which I normally wouldn't except did I mention the NUTSO part?

I came back and Al suggested that perhaps I was having a panic attack? And looking at that list of symptoms (scroll down) - I guess I was.

Yay. Lucky me.

So, now I am sitting here feeling sort of confused and freaked out. Trying to breathe deeply. Drinking water. Wishing I could go home.

Somedays, life is just overwhelming.

Brunette Courtney Love?

So, the local costumey place which also happens to be a block away from my office is out of blonde wigs. OH WHAT WILL I DO??

I am thinking of just bleaching my hair. I mean, I dye it every damn day practically as it is.

And if it all falls out, I can be Kojack!

True Facts

- I just plucked my eyebrows at my desk and then trimmed a few crazy stray hairs with office scissors, which is not easy.

- I am leaving at 3 for a "doctors appointment". Which means go downtown and look for new boots and then meet Alex for a beer. I am the WORST WORKER EVER.

- I dyed my hair again. What do you think?

Bag Update

So, um...Hi! I haven't done anything with this.

I have not felt as crafty as I thought I was feeling. And now, I have guilt! In the place where craftiness should be! It's sort of creating a warm glow within me, ah, sweet warm guilt.

Anyway. I'll get to it. Sometime. I haven't forgotten.

A text message I just sent.

The loud loud woman near me is annoying. If I crush her to death with my desk chair, will you visit me in jail?

Crap I Carry Around

Was bored on Tuesday so I took this photo and analyzed all the contents of my bag.

I am a dork.

Click for notes, and possibly way more than you wanted to know about me.

Let's blame hormones

I just went in the bathroom at work to close the door and cry in a stall. And then when I thought "why am I crying?" and couldn't even come up with a reason, well, then I just wanted to cry harder.

I am so melodramatic! I am absolutely crying for no reason! Great!

I also sadly realized that the next day we have off is Labor Day and while it is nice to have days off, I don't like Labor Day and how it symbolizes The End of The Summer.

But, between you and me, I could use a rest.

UPDATE: Came home early, ate Oreos, took a bath. Now I am going to paint my nails and probably collapse by 9. As much as I like that boy of mine, I am sort of happy to have my bed ALL TO MYSELF tonight. Anyway. G'night, Internet. Sweet dreams.

Ain't nothing but a pack of cards.

Sometimes I get a fairly innocuous text message and my stomach flips and I think I need to lay down.

Monday night he dropped me off from dinner and I had to sit still in my laundry chair and take deep cleansing breathes so as not to vomit.

People keep telling me 'that's love, baby'. All I know is all my pants have never fit so well and I have never saved so much money on food.

PS. I know you were worried and it was potentially keeping you up at night but I finally figured out what to hang on my cube walls. You can rest easy now, Internet.

PPS. Three entries today! You can thank my slow slow job and too much iced coffee for that (I love how I say this as if all my many fans are sitting around salivating by their computer monitors. Yep, I'm kind of an asshole).

Jug o rama.

I'm back! I'm bored! I am the POSTEST WITH THE MOSTEST today.

I thought of something else I wanted to write - which starts with a time on Saturday at the beach when I was in the water with Lucie. We were having a blissed out moment of love where we were floating around (well, I was floating and holding her while her teeth chattered but she maintained "I'm not cold!") and I told her she should please stop growing and stay small and five FOREVER. I am so excited to see how she will turn out, yet I LOVE HER SO MUCH I don't want her to grow a bit! Stay the same! (this leads me to realize I have been feeling that way a lot lately. With that boy and with my friends, I have these YAY LIFE moments where I just want to FREEZE everything and stay that way, forever. Am I the only one who gets this? ANYWAY, what was I saying? Oh...right.) At first she said she would stop growing (so agreeable that one) and then she thought about it and said she couldn't help it, she "had to keep growing!" I said "why?" and she said "BECAUSE I AM A HUMAN!" Well, good point there.

So, Ellery ran out and proceeded to jump on us and scream "RAHH!" and do general Crazy Nine Year Old Boy things while we laughed and squealed like the girls that we are.

Then someone grabbed my boob and I yelled "GAH! MY BOOOB!" because I am nothing if not OH SO MATURE.

Lately my boobs have been the subject of conversation - I am not sure why. Possibly because whenever I lose weight overall, I don't lose ANY BOOB WEIGHT and so it appears that I may topple over all 'Weeble Wobble' at any moment? Someone recently asked me what it is like to have gigantic boobs, which was funny because as you may guess "boobs" is a word which cracks me up. Again, MATURE. Anyway, I didn't really have a good answer b/c these boobs (hee) are all I have ever had. Sometimes I would like to take them off and set them on my nightstand, especially when I am trying to sleep on my stomach. THAT is a pain, let me tell you. But then there would be these weird disembodied breasts on my nightstand and THAT WOULD BE KOOKY. I think they would look like those weird Jell-O molds or something.

Anyway. Man, I am rambley.

SO, I screamed "GAH MY BOOB!" and then Ellery said "your TITTIES," by which I was HORRIFIED because hello, you are NINE YEARS OLD, Mister Man! And I said "Ellery, don't say TITTIES."

You may be shocked to know he then began screaming "TITTIES! TITTIEEEES!!" as loud as he possibly could.

You will not be shocked to learn I couldn't stop laughing. Because, TITTIES? Hee.

Wait, who's nine?

Like a record baby, right round right round.

Last night I started to feel incredibly sick and bizarre and could not move or get of the couch. Which wasn't very ideal since I was at my friends house. "Hi, I'll just lay here on my stomach with my face pressed into the couch. Work around me!" Yeah. Great. I'm so social, ass up in the living room. Oh well, my ass has always been fairly social.

Wow. I have no idea what that means, SWEET.

Today my stomach still sort of hurts and I cannot shake this weird sleepy fog I have been in for approximately a week. I haven't been eating very well and when I am sleeping, I am DREAMING constantly which is, between you and me, not very fucking restful.

I think this must be what going insane feels like. Or being a drug addict. Except without the fun of crack houses and meaningless sex with strangers. Damn, I always miss all the fun.

I have to come to the point in my overanalyzing of EVERY LITTLE THING that now I am questioning every solution I come to. I break it down, POINT BY POINT, and think about how every instict I have is WRONG. It's fun!

What is going to happen is that I am just going to suddenly DECIDE on whatever it is I want to do. Then I will have this train of thought which begins and ends with "I hate waiting!' and then I will surge ahead, not caring about the outcome, just needed to GET THERE ALREADY.

Some people call this BRAVE. It's only because they don't really know better. They don't realize, it is all I know how to do.

Chooo chooo! Next stop: SANITY!*

*ha ha HA HA HA.

Cannibalism is the new black.

Did y'all see this picture?

Is she not THE CUTEST THING EVER? Ooooo, I LOVE HER. And her sister! And their brother! And their parents! Oh, the love? It is STRONG.

Pinky and I were talking about how sometimes you just have this desire to eat up the people you love. It's like MORE THAN LOVE. Its this insane crazy desire to literally ingest them. They can live inside you and be part of you and, it's kind of gross, but oooo, I could start at their forearms and work my way up. DELICIOUS.

I have a big bunch of lilacs on my coffee table and, yeah, I could eat those for lunch. Where's my cat? I'll eat him for desert! Pour some honey on his little head, munch on his ears! That would be quite a fucking hairball, would it not? There is this person, this boy, and I was thinking that I don't even really want to kiss him. I just want to jump on him (and not in a sexy way) pin him down and EAT HIM UP. Why is that? I just want them as PART OF ME. Forever more!

Yeah, I'm gross.

I always tell Lucie that I am going to eat her up. "I'm going to eat you for dinner!" and she says "Okay. DO IT!" I say "I'll eat up your yummy skin, it tastes like cheese!" and she says "No. It'll taste like BLOOD."

Suddenly, eating her up doesn't seem so appealing.

But I bet I still could. BITE HER! Smoosh her face off! LOOOOOOVE!

Information

My greatest dream (aside from the basics like a hot Scottish husband and a frillion dollars) is to have a bottomless iced latte. I think that would be delicious. And awesome!

SO VERY AWESOME.

Also, if you are smart you will never ever EVER agree to be a maid of honor. It is such a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS. And the pains have nothing to do with my lovely friend who will soon be a bride, only with all the logistics that are involved. Oh my GOD. The LOGISTICS. Hold on a minute, I am going to STAB OUT MY OWN EYES WITH THIS PEN. Oy-fucking-vay.

That is all.

Seventh Sign or some shit.

Sarah Brown had a ghost face, I have a fucking seventh sign which likes to appear in the steam of my bathroom after I take a shower.

SEE!?

So, either some crazy ghost is watching me shower OR some alien spaceship is going to land in my studio apartment and I am going to be probed and taken to Mars.

If its a ghost, I hope it is someone cool and dapper like Cary Grant or Gene Kelly. In which case, please stop drawing crazy triangles on my mirror when I am in the shower and start telling me stories about Fred Astaire and how you got drunk with Katherine Hepburn that time.

Thank you.

Issues.

I woke up this morning and thought "is it Friday or Saturday?" Then I had to think back about what I watched on TV last night to remember, "oh, it's FRIDAY." I have found a new way to be pathetic! Kick ass! But, at least the programs are entertaining!

Programs? God. I'm old.

Tomorrow night I was going to have people over to sit on my patio and be the drunks we so are but now it is going to rain. I don't mind rain because I can usually be very Zen about it (rain makes flowers! etc) but when it fucks up my plans to drink, well, then we have problems.

There is a guy outside with one of those bullshit backpack leafblowers on. Why is he leaf blowing my patio? Fuck off! I am about to get all Mrs. Kravitz and go wave an angry fist at him. FISTS OF FURY! He just blew my broom over and didn't pick it up. That guy sucks! I am totally old school with my broom!

Also annoying? My neighbor. I can hear her through the wall yelling at her yappy dog. When I was outside for awhile yesterday she was on her patio and everytime she moved or did something she would sigh loudly or go "God!" or make a generally obnoxious noise so I would look over, engage her in conversation, and BE HER FRIEND. Oh, and please express sympathy because her life? IT IS SO HARD. Later in the day she came over and asked if I had a pencil she could borrow. A PENCIL. I said no. I am sure if I got up and looked for one, I would find one somewhere, but then she would be here every five minutes for the rest of the day asking for paper, a bottle of wine, or if I could come over and "give my opinion" on her new curtains. Seriously. I didn't even make that last one up!

Has anyone seen that commercial, I don't even know what it is for, with the lady in various outfits who keeps getting these obnoxious as fuck messages from some doofus on her answering machine? At one point he says "are you there? Do you care? I want to dance with you!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It is the most retarded commercial I have ever seen. I think it might be for Macy's. Macy's: Home of Clothes to Buy If You Want to Attract Fucktards and Dorks Who Leave You Phone Messages Which Rhyme. Fantastic! LET ME GET MY COAT. I'll be right there!

Um, did I mention I have PMS?

Well, I do. Happy Friday!

I bit into the burning ring of fire.

Last night I ate a truly gross microwave pizza.

It came with a silver tray to put it on, and a "crispy crust" ring thing that you put around the top before you cook it. I mean, seriously, the pizza had more accessories than I do. So, the crust cooked but the middle was a soggy disgusting mess. The cheese was not melted and all the water from the pizza just pooled there. Staring at me. As if to say "my crust sure is crispy, bitch!"

It was supposed to cook for five minutes. I took the ring off and cooked it for two more minutes. Still soggy in the center, I lifted it up and turned it sideways so the water could run off, thinking "this looks truly appetizing!" I cooked it again for three minutes. Now the outside/ring of crispy crust is HARD AS A ROCK and the inside is still remotely undercooked.

My first mistake was not throwing it away but I was hungry, so I ate it. It was like trying to eat a crunchy sponge that was simultaneously in flames. The fire cheese stuck to the roof of my mouth! This cooked on the top, raw in the middle fucker was SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY BURNING ME.

Later I noticed that not only did I burn myself, I had a blister on the ROOF OF MY MOUTH. I mean, ew. How fucked up is that? Stupid dick shit pizza. You and your crispy ring of death can bite me.

Oh, I heard back from the awesome job. Apparently they haven't forgotten me but it still seems to be taking forever. Can't they just hurry up and fall in love with me already? I need a REAL JOB. Like, MONTHS AGO. So, cross everything for me, will you? Fabulous.

Observations

- On the subway platform there was a lady in a a purple coat with a red scarf. I vote for purple and red as the Ugliest Color Combination People Continue to Wear Together. Why do you do this, People? What is really going on there?

- There was graffiti scratched into the window of the train. The graffiti said MACAULAY CULKIN. Weird. I kind of wish I had written FREE in front of it, just because.

- At Dunkin Donuts I was making eyes at a very cute Boston Public Works guy in one of those florescent vests. He was making eyes back, but I got my coffee and left. I mean, I don't own anything which would look good when accompanied by a bright-as-the-sun yellow vest. Yet, I would always be able to spot him in a crowd...

- This morning I noticed a butterfly barrette on my bathroom floor. It has been there close to a week, over in the corner, kind of behind the toliet. I think it fell out of the weird little Hello Kitty case I keep all my hair shit in and ended up there. I just keep seeing it at random moments, like when I am blow drying my hair, or putting lotion on my legs and I think "oh, I have to pick that up". And then? I just don't. Who knows why. I work in mysterious fucking ways, Internet.

I'm still awake, why?

My caffeinated yesterday (fuck you, three Peach Iced Teas! And you too, Anxiety! Go screw yourselves!) continued into last night. I turned the light off to try and go to sleep at 10:45. I got up to pee six times. SIX TIMES! At 1:30 I was still laying there WIDE AWAKE. Actually, I wasn't laying there I was trying every sleeping position anyone has ever thought of.

Maybe laying on my stomach will be comforting! Maybe laying on my side hugging this pillow will work! Maybe if I stand on my head I will just FALL ASLEEP ALREADY!

At 2:45 I just wanted to cry. Still completely awake! Totally conscious! About to kill myself! I think I finally just gave up and then kind of went to sleep. Although not really because I was having all these dreams that I was STILL AWAKE. Or was that me still BEING awake? I don't even know.

I woke up from some form of sleep, WIDE AWAKE!, at 6:30. Even though I didn't have to get up for another hour. I just couldn't. HERE I AM WIDE AWAKE! 4 hours of sleep? So annoying! So useless! You could pack enough clothes for a charming weekend mini-break with the BAGGAGE UNDER MY EYES today.

I just want to lay my head down on my desk and take a little nappy. Is it time to go home yet?

Smoke Signals

It is six minutes to 4. The HR guy said I would hear from him "Tuesday afternoon". I think there are MAYBE two hours left that you could actually call Tuesday afternoon. I feel sick. I'm so nervous. As time goes on I become ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that I will not get the job. Why do I do this? I'm difficult. It's exhausting. And I can RATIONALLY tell myself to RELAX, but it's much harder to actually DO IT. I might have to potentially barf soon.

I am all about the whole Pope Smoke thing. I think I am going to start sending different colored smoke up, depending on my mood. Red will be angry, blue = depressed, yellow = happy, and so forth. Then everyone would know when to stay away and when to move forward. It's a great idea. I am brilliant! You may declare me as your Queen and worship me! As always, I am accepting gifts in the forms of cheese, cash, and cute shoes.

So, seriously, what color would ANXIOUS AS ALL FUCKING HELL be?

UPDATE: I came home to an email from the HR guy, working on scheduling interview #2! Also, I was probably so INCREDIBLY ANXIOUS because I had three Peach Iced Teas this afternoon. Hmmm, hyper much?? I walked (vibrated) home and now I have blisters on the bottom of my feet. AWESOME!

UGH

Okay.

Last week I felt like I had a lot of CHOICES and OPPORTUNITIES and now I just feel bummed out. Have I mentioned, I HATE JOB HUNTING!?

I woke up in the middle of the night, and laid in bed thinking about how I have no money. No job. No interviews lined up. No nothing. Bah humbug.

Yesterday I went to another agency and they did this lovely thing where they videotaped me while I was being interviewed. When the camera came out I thought 'is this porn? Do I take my top off?" which probably says something about me I don't want to look at right now but (ANYWAY) I tried not to "um" and pause all over the place. Which is hard. After however many (5678?) interviews I have been on, it's still hard. I have had a lot of jobs, I have made it through multi-interview processes to get job offers and been at places for years - so in the past I have DONE SOMETHING RIGHT. Now I just feel like I am doing everything wrong. Cause, still...no...job.

I KNOW, the right thing is out there. There are no accidents, I will land on my feet. Got platitudes? I HAVE HEARD THEM. I know them all. By heart.

What I need is a JOB.

(that low depressed wail you hear? That's ME. Please go about your business.)

Oh the WOE that is ME.

BEFORE:

It's poopy reddish brown! Ew! Also, who parted your hair, Howdy Doodie?

So, I dyed my hair a week ago and this is what I got. EW. I wasn't completely sure how a new dye would take, but I hoped I could cover the UGG reddish poop brown and turn it into nice chestnutty brown. A brown that would make the world sing a happy song of loooove! So, please witness,

AFTER:

Does it look any fucking different to you?

I didn't think so.

If anything, it looks MORE red. But, I am also thinking that my eyes look green here and really they are blue. So, maybe my hair is really PERFECT - it just LOOKS red. Ya think?

The sad sad puppy dog expression on my face here CRACKS ME UP. My hair is still poopy reddish brown and it is TEARING ME APART! (not really, but GOD, that FACE. WOE IS MEEE!)

Running is good for you.

When I stand up, my shins scream "SIT DOWN, woman!" As I walk, I feel every step, all the way up my legs. Through my ass. To my lower back.

I also did push ups (yeah, I know. I'm CRAZY.) and so now my shoulders (and arms!) hurt too. I scratched the back of my thigh earlier, and seriously? The whole process almost killed me.

It's 7PM and I could go to bed.

Everything hurts. My neck hurts. My teeth hurt. My HAIR hurts.

Ow. Ouch. Yowch.

I feel good.

Food chain

It was really sunny and bordering on WARM here today. Which, well, if you consider 45 degrees warm I guess that means you are truly a New Englander. They call that WINTER in a lot of places, we call is Spring. We're so confused. Take pity on us.

If the big piles of dirty snow would melt it would almost feel Spring like. Mostly it just feels Winter-warmish. Which is a whole other thing. Really, move to New England and you will totally learn to understand.

I went on a long walk this morning and then I came home, sat here for awhile staring at the wall and then went out and took another long walk. Now that I know I have a job starting in a few days I feel like I must really enjoy my time off. The four whole days I have left. I must be CAREFREE and HAPPY! This is hard for me. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop - especially in terms of work. Which is why the whole temp thing makes me nervous, because I know as good as I am at the job, and as much as they may or may not like me (and of course they will like me. I am VERY likeable. D'uh.) it's a temporary thing so I know - no real chance of anything. It's like the perfect boy showing up and saying "yeah, I am going to die in three months," only not as tragic, of course.

I seem to have had a string of bad job karma and I am getting to the point where I just want to find something that I like, even a MEDIUM amount just so I can stay there and work and make money. I am not one of those people who needs to be fufilled by my job or challenged on a daily basis. I feel like, that is what my LIFE is for - my job is just the thing I do for cash so I can LIVE THAT LIFE. And I hope I won't always feel that way, and maybe some day I will be paid for writing or being artistic, but I am not to that point but today: work=cash. And as Stuart Smalley would say, "that's...OK-AY."

The other thing I realize is that I often try to be nice in jobs, and think of the other people and then one day someone calls me and says in the rudest possible fashion "um, your job is done" and I have to pack up my things in a sad little bag and leave without saying goodbye to any of the "friends" I have made. So, I will come in and do my job but when I find a REAL job, I may leave the temp job before it's "done" and I might not even feel bad about it. It seems like as I am growing up, I am finding out that people screw other people over. And it happens a lot. And really you just have to look out for yourself. This is a very depressing lesson.

So, as I walked around today I was thinking about that and how we are all just swimming along like little fish, waiting to be gobbled up by slightly bigger fish and now I have a big bad headache which feels like someone squeezing my brain in a vice. I am going to take a bath and lie down and maybe watch some DVD's and somehow I think things will feel okay again after that.

At least, I hope so.

Hints from Heloise

FYI: If you are already feeling kind of low, here are three things you don't want to experience:

1. Sitting in a mall food court alone eating cold pizza while Jewel sings Foolish Games on the sound system.

2. Cat barf on the bathroom rug you just washed. Fucking cat.

3. Stopping a blind dog who has escaped from his yard; you don't want the owner to take the blind (and gimpy!) dog away without saying thank you (to which you will say "YOU'RE WELCOME!" under your breath) and watch while she walks too fast for said gimpy dog to keep up so she drags him along behind her. (I should add that I am proud of myself for supressing the urge to PUNCH HER IN THE FACE. I can take all kinds of cruelty but DO NOT BE MEAN TO A BLIND DOG! It's like something from a movie where she is the Evil Aunt who at the end feels the full wrath of KARMA.)

Cauliflower and Sprouts?

I went to the bulk candy place in the mall and was hit by nostaligia when I spotted a bin of "peas and carrots' which has got to be the most random candy in history. I mean, PEAS and CARROTS? Who wants a candy named after those vegetables? How very unappealing. If memory serves they tasted kind of sweet and mealy. I can't think of a more horrible candy idea.

Can you?

Bonded.

Pinky and I got so excited when watching America's Next Top Model that we called each other approximately 10 times in two hours. At the end of the show, we called each other simultaneously and while my phone was dialing, she was already there on the line screaming "I'm here! STOP CALLING ME!" but all I heard was "IIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" and then the phone went dead. Neither one of us pushed any buttons, I think the phone lines just got overwhealmed and confused. Then she called my cell phone and I couldn't answer because I was laughing so hard.

Everyone should have a best friend who shares their love of crappy reality television. Who wil analyze it with you during every commercial and know exactly who I am talking about when I say "I hate that girl!"

There she goes again

I have whiplash. My own mental illness is wearing me out. I think it is called PERFECTIONISM. I keep trying to make this text darker and it really wants to be light gray. I LIKE MYSELF THE WAY I AM! it says. Well, fine. Who am I to force you to change? Oh, that's right. I'm ME.

This week has been long and weird. I have been applying to every job everywhere and I could easily start temping - but then if I am temping, I can't go on interviews and I could end up temping for ever. And, EW. Temping Forever sounds like a horror movie. Full of crazy bosses and assignments where you have to put 8000 labels on envelopes in a white room with no windows and no circulation and you have to lick them ALL YOURSELF. Ahh!

On Monday I will go to a personnel office of a local university and hopefully that might turn into something. They have a lot of admin openings - so who the hell knows. Job hunting is the worst. It really wants to suck out your soul.

But I NEED my crazy soul, otherwise, how could I be so unsatisfied with my blog? I mean, I have to live up to the name of this place, right?

I'm psychitzophrenic and so am I.

I moved again! When I was using Word Press I actually had been wanting to use Movable Type but for whatever reason didn't end up there.

Now, I am having issues changing my style sheet and these colors are not for me. But, hopefully all will be remedied shortly. Also, I will copy my old entries over, if anyone cares.