pretty crabby

I'm ready for cider and pumpkins. (And then Spring again.)

I don't have much news but I am feeling a lot better. So, you can go about with your life and rest easy now! (by the way my current pet peeve is people who start blogs and assume other people are reading it. No one gives a fuck what you are saying, please don't write like you are speaking to the masses. You are lucky if four people even know your blog - one of MILLIONS - even exists. I assume nothing. I am just writing into a void. I am always totally surprised when anyone says they read something I wrote. Which is maybe naive of me. Sometimes I just think this is my diary and I say too much and then I remember HEY EVERYONE CAN READ THIS. But I still don't think they actually DO. Everyone in the world has a blog, no one cares what you have to say!)

I have been going outside a lot every day and enjoying the sun and all the flowers. Oh, September. Everyone always thinks you will be cold and FALL and then you are HOT and LOVELY. I am always telling people this in August when they are complaining about how short the summer is. "But September!" I say. I am happy to be right this year.

I am trying to use the whole job loss thing as a jumping off point to do something else. I don't know what that is exactly yet. I have some ideas... I hope they work out. I am tired of sitting at a computer for 8 hours a day and being in a cubicle. I would like a life without a cubicle... but we'll see if that is possible. I was talking to Wendy today and she said, I think you have had five jobs since I have known you! Which is about right as I have pretty much had a job a year. I'm tired. Seriously.

Today was a lovely fall day. I made caprese pasta for dinner. We took a long walk. We had some red wine. I dyed my hair. It's Fall...life is pretty okay.

And so it goes.

Last night at 7PM I saw I had a voicemail and it was from the job agency I have been contracting through the last nine months. So I called them (they are on the west coast) and the woman said "I just wanted to check in with you since today was the last day of your contract at Nameless Company and you know, your assignment is over." ... ?

My reaction was basically along the lines of WTF.

In June my contract expired and they renewed it and I was under the impression (because I was TOLD) that it would be renewed again. But...no, says the agency. And also "oh, we have known for a couple weeks." THANKS FOR TELLING ME.

I also met with my boss yesterday. My last sentence to him was "I will look for those flights for you!" He said "okay." I was in the middle of assignments for various people. I have Ugg boots in the filing cabinet and an Orla Kieley handbag in the desk.

I had relationships with people there. Or so I thought. Now I am kicking myself for thinking that just because people are NICE it means things are OKAY.

I feel like an idiot and a failure and I cannot believe I will be job hunting again.

I have been sad and angry and very confused. But I woke up feeling like, okay. Keep knocking me down and I will just get up and keep moving forward. It's all I can do.

But sometimes it just feels unfair.

So. Not.

I won the baby shower gift at Laura and Barry's shower this weekend. I said, is this like catching the bouquet? Everyone keeps saying "you're next!" but I think this is only because I AM THE ONLY PERSON ON EARTH who is not pregnant right now.

There are at least five people at work (on my floor no less) who are pregnant. I am always running into them in the bathroom. I have five Facebook friends who are pregnant, I had to hide the updates after awhile. I cannot take another ultrasound photo. Yes, I am sure your baby will be lovely and gorgeous WHEN THEY COME OUT OF YOUR BODY. The ultrasounds freak me out. The babies looked like mushed aliens, and (don't email me) childbirth is beautiful BLAH BLAH BLAH but I don't want to see fetus x-rays while I eat my lunch.

Speaking of lunch today I had sushi. Oh, you're making a person? I AM EATING RAW FISH so THERE. Maybe when I go home I will take a LONG HOT BATH and eat sandwich meat and drink vodka. BECAUSE I CAN.

Eden posted this video on Saturday and it made me laugh. And then I laughed again. Oh, no, YOU aren't smug. I mean those other pregnant ladies. I am not talking of you! Of course I'm not!

"And all the bridges blown away keep floating up"

Ten years ago was the summer that things changed. I was suddenly a Grown Up. I was living in my own apartment with two crazy roommates (one was a brain surgeon named Igor, seriously) and a cell phone and a lot of other firsts. I had a good job at a famous university and I had health insurance and the energy to stay out until 3AM and get up and go to work in the morning (how did I do that exactly?).

In August of 1999 I had a crush on a guy who just barely knew I existed. He was also dating someone who was beautiful and so mind numbingly dumb. The first night I had a conversation with her she was going on and on about how the world was so amazing and she loved the summer and she felt so free... and I realized I was talking to someone impaired. I looked at my friend Jennifer across the table and said "I have nothing to say". That was when I started to finally get over him, after a year, thank God.

I started going to a bar every Tuesday to hear a band play. I met this girl named Heather there.

And a girl named Jennifer. We all went to New York for Halloween that year.

I was Y2Kitty which made sense at the time (you can see my sparkly ears if you look closely here). We were really the only people in the bar in costume. I don't think we cared too much.

We started an all girl band. Then we fought crime.

Well not really. But don't we look like we could?!

I started dating a guy in the above mentioned band. He was kind of a douche. But I met some other guys; my friend Ned, my friend Sarah, my friend Wendi.

I met this guy named Bob, you may have heard about him once or twice.

1999 when everything was shifting and I fell into my life in some way that I hadn't before. My adult life.  Every choice I made then put moved me towards today, even if I didn't know if at the time.

I wonder where the choices I make today will put me in 2019...

Time

I went to visit my mom in Michigan and I had a good time. I almost drown in a pontoon boat Titanic misshap (okay not really) and have a big bruise on my arm for a souvenir. Luckily my flip flops and $30 sunblock float so we were able to save them after the almost sinking. In other news, my cousin has two giant rottweilers, one of whom is a fisherman. The vodka I like is $10 a bottle there (it's $17 a bottle here) because maybe people there only drink Bud?

These are the things i learned on my vacation.

I also copied this picture from my mom of my grandparents. Aren't they sweet? If I had a time machine I would travel back and hang out with them. I think my gramma could have given me a lot of fashion tips. And of course, it would be nice to meet my grandfather.

Alphabet A History. C: California

In the fall of 1997 I moved to California. I’ve been thinking about that time a lot lately, for many reasons. I had a car there and since I was alone and didn’t really know anyone, or feel brave enough to go out and meet  many people, I drove a lot. I drove all over and I saw every corner of Berkeley that there was to be seen. I used to drive up into the Berkeley Hills and park my car and sit there with music playing, just looking at the lights. 

I saw a lot of movies then. Every weekend I used to drive that little car to the movie theater and see whatever was playing. I saw a lot of crap that year. I spent a lot of time at Borders looking at CD’s. I bought every Billy Bragg CD there was and played them constantly in a heavy rotation with Tom Waits and Joni Mitchell.

At some point I found a local pool and I started going there and swimming after work. I am not good at doing laps and so I would slowly swerve into other people’s lanes. Twice I was swimming along and was smashed into by someone as I listed into their lane. Oops. I was the uncoordinated person in the pool, so usually I would just sit still in my own lane, laying on my back, looking up at the moon rise. Palm trees overhead. Swimming in a pool, in February.

The nine months that I spent in California were the very loneliest of my life. And some of the best. I always thought I wanted to be in California, I always thought that was where I was supposed to be. Maybe some day I am. It is corny to say but I learned so much about who I am when I was there. Like Dorothy I went all the way to Oz only to realize my home was where I had been all along.

In the last month I was there I got a tattoo on my back to remember that time. It says Strength, Trust, Faith. Is it all about what I learned there about myself. Have the strength to know yourself and to do what you need to do. Trust the hard decisions you make. Have faith they are the right ones, have enough faith in yourself to know that you are exactly where you need to be.

From the other side of 33.

So, what did you do this weekend? 

 

 

I turned 33. So far, it is pretty okay. Although I CANNOT DRINK ANYMORE please don't make me. Yesterday was my friend Carl's birthday and it was the 7th party or dinner I had attended in a week. LIFE IS SO HARD THERE ARE SO MANY PARTIES and I am running out of dresses to wear! 

But Saturday night when I sat on the porch and waited for my party guests to show up, everything was pretty okay. I am not sure exactly what life is about but when my best friends and family are singing me Happy Birthday and all the people (or most of them) that I love the most are all in one room, things feel pretty damn okay.

I am a lucky girl.

"The world was moving she was floating above it and she was..."

It has been disgustingly gray and cold here since mid-June. Needless to say, this makes everyone VERY CRABBY and made people say stupid things like, "well, it's still really gray BUT it's not raining!" or "it's getting BRIGHTER!" said while you could not see anything but gray fog. UGH. When the winter is so long and cold and then the summer sucks, you kind of question WHY you live in a certain place. It makes you rethink all your life choices thus far. Or at least that is what I do. So thank God the sun finally came out yesterday so I could stop with all that bothersome thinking. Ow, my head!

And today is the 4th of July, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA! You are kooky and wacky but you are a pretty nice place and I appreciate how fortunate I am to live here. So, Happy Day. You don't look a day over 230.

A year ago right now the Dude and I were in the VIrgin Islands, dancing at an epic parade which lasted for five hours. We went to eat lunch, came back, and the same float was still in the same place. Things move slowly there. It might be all the rum.

Today two of my friends are getting married and I am going to take pictures and wear my new blue dress and be in the sun... and that all makes me happy. Now that the sun finally decided to show it's lovely face I can say officially THIS IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR. It starts with the 4th, then my uncle's birthday, then my dad's, then mine, then a few other friends. A lot of parties and barbecues and trips to the ocean. I wish the whole year could be as happy and fun.

I hope wherever you are it is happy and fun! Summer!

Package of past.

I used to keep journals religiously. 

When I was 12 or so I got my first journal and I still have it. My dad made it for me and it's green and has my name on it (in gold!) and my writing is so messy and HUGE it is hard for me to read every third or fourth word. Does that say HATE or HAVE? No clue! 11 was a big year because we moved for the second time in as many years but I finally made some friends and liked my teacher and even had a boyfriend for a day. His name was Tom Webster and he had ears that stuck out and we flirted on a day trip to the Science Museum. He wrote a note that said "Tom Loves Emily" and I had it in that journal until I guess it fell out or got lost like our love. I also remember a scandalous occasion when some little tramp in the girls bathroom told me Tom wrote HER a different note and I was heartbroken for a good hour or so. Thinking back, our relationship was big because it was the first time I talked to a boy on the phone. And that phone call was about 2 minutes long and we talked about homework and hung up. Oh, fifth grade. 

There are a lot of similar hard to read stories in the diaries I hung onto. I boxed them up and have moved them various places over the past 15 years. Last year when I moved I actually went through and got rid of some which were just endless chapters of "I hate her!!!!" or "he's so cute!!!" I wish I could go back and write other things down. Like maybe you could stop writing about Kiefer Sutherland for five minutes, self. But that was my interest... boys. Which is funny considering how quiet and almost prudish my teen years turned out to be. I spent a lot more time at home writing about made up dramas than actually going out and having any. I did like any self respecting sheltered only child would and saved the drama for my twenties. 

The last journal I kept was when I was 23 and 24 and it's just plain depressing because of my dolt of a boyfriend and how miserable I was in my first real relationship. It just sort of peters out as I had less time to write about what was going on every day because we were busy breaking up every few weeks and you know I did have a job and stuff. After writing the more horrible fights down and looking back at them once or twice I thought maybe I don't want to write everything in such painstaking detail to relive for years and years. 

Instead, I did what any overly dramatic self important girl in her mid twenties does while she sits at her office job every day. 

I started a blog. Where I can write about the boring minutia of every day life and leave out all the break up and make ups and instead bore all four of you who read this thing with pop culture observations and mundane stories about my cat. Is that stability? I am not sure but I'm not complaining. 

For once.

Summer comes too slow.

Hey, it's May! Although you wouldn't know it since last night there was a frost and WE TURNED THE HEAT ON. It was May 18th. I kept saying that. "It's May 18th! And the heat is on! MAY 18TH!!!" Ugh, New England makes itself very hard to love sometimes. Meanwhile people on Twitter are complaining about their 90 degree temps and it is not their fault but I kind of want to crawl through the computer and strangle them. Or just sit next to them in the sun, I guess that would be nice too.

This weekend we are going to Martha's Vineyard as our anniversary trip (although that is not until next week really and I am working on a post because HOLY HELL FOUR YEARS. Can you believe that? I kind of cannot) and I hope it doesn't rain on our heads the whole time. We have free bike rentals and so maybe we'll do that. I joked today that I didn't know how to ride a bike. I'm so funny! Although to be honest the last time I got on a bike I did kind of fall over as I stopped. I was thinking all these things at once. "Put the break on! Get to the curb! Put your foot up!" and instead I just sloooowly fell over. It was totally slo-mo and not at all graceful or dainty. 

I have nothing else going on right now so I will leave you with a picture of dandelions. I always get very sad at those commercials for weed products which scream "Kill all the dandelions! Guarenteed!" I like seeing their little yellow faces every year. 

They are just trying to survive like everyone else.