pretty crabby

A boring post about fat.

I have been doing Weight Watchers again. I did it last year and lost about 14lbs which since then I basically gained back. It got to be summer and i wanted to eat nachos and drink margaritas and just not give a shit. You know, life is short and all of that.

So, now I doing it again and I am holding at five pounds lost. For six weeks I have just been in a holding pattern. I keep working out (I bought this stair stepper thing on Amazon and I could kill you with thighs now, but I am not getting any thinner) and drinking water and eating my points... and, ugh, I am just stuck.

I hate that I am even writing about this. It is so boring. It feels so shallow... but I know it is not just about how I look but also about my health. There is diabetes and heart disease in my family. I cannot be FAT. It is no good. And so many people would say "oh, you aren't fat!" but I am not in shape either, I weigh more than I should.

But, life is short. On one hand, I don't want to spend my life as a fattie but I also don't want to counting every calorie that goes into my mouth. It is a hard balance. I LOVE food. I love cheese. I love chips. I love salt. I get JOY from being with my friends and eating food. Sometimes I eat too much, sometimes I think, just two more chips! And then I have, you know, ten more. They are so good! I wonder where my will power goes in those moments.

There is not much point to this post. But I am trying. I  keep trying and working and  hoping when I get on that stupid fucking scale. Hoping for a smaller number.

Sometimes I am tired of thinking about it and I just want to eat all the Skittles.

I'll take these blue skies, however fleeting.

Oh, right, I have a blog. Sometimes I forget.

I watched this really good movie, In the Shadow of The Moon. And I have been thinking about it a lot. We are all so tiny, the world is just hanging out there among the stars. We are suspended in something else entirely and I don't think we remember that enough.

I used to spend a lot of time on a certain web forum starting way back in 2002. I loved the people there. Then the forum got a little crowded and crazy and now I hardly ever go there. I have dear friends from there that I speak too often. Recently someone on this forum killed himself. It's sad and horrible (depending on your opinion I guess) and I just keep thinking, we are so fragile.

Last night an earthquake shook a lot of people I care about and I thought it again. It's all so fragile, it's all so short.

I am looking for a new apartment now. (hey, if you live in Boston and know of any two bedrooms, you can  email me) Someplace bigger where we can both be... and have space and room and life. Part of me is excited. But that other part of me still feels a little sad and scared. To build a future on this fragile foundation. It seems too brief. Too short. Too impermenant, no matter where you are standing. It's over too quick.

There is always the sad and scared part, the little kid part wanting me to notice what is going on, everything I might otherwise MISS. Wanting me to see all the small parts I might not notice otherwise. The way the flowers are blooming now, the tiny leaves coming out on trees. The small little part that says "HEY NOTICE ME."

So I do.

Life just kinds of empties out

I am self medicating by shopping.

It is a great remedy. Fill the void in your self by filling it with STUFF. On Friday I got a bonus at work (I am a grownup with a REAL JOB apparently?) and went out and got myself a MacBook and a new iPod. Both of which I needed. You know for all my web research and the writing I SHOULD be doing but am not. Because I am too busy buying things on etsy. Today I bought this. Isn't it pretty?

So, I could write at length about how I am sad but I will spare you. In a nutshell, someone died, it sucks.

On Wednesday I had an epic travel day so instead I will tell you about that. I flew from Detroit to New York and then rode the bus four hours (or maybe five) to Boston. Three cities in one day! It is like I am a famous rock star on tour! Only, I am not. (more sadness)

I have figured out that the bus is the preferred travel for weirdos, freaks, the confused elderly and the possibly insane. There was the couple in front of me angrily feeding each other French fries. She would push the ketchuped thing in his face and he would recoil in horror only to lean forward the next second and eat it like he was about to eat her fingers off. What was going on here? Maybe I don't want to know. It might have been a sex thing.

Then there were the two girls across from me who were probably 19 and for two hours one of them sat on the others lap. How is that comfortable? She was also turned awkwardly so she could face the other girl. Oh to be nineteen and flexible. At one point they started singing to each other. I mean, COME ON, just go somewhere and make out already. Wouldn't that be easier for everyone? Of course they are 19 nineteen and riding the bus. Maybe sitting on each others laps in the darkness of the Fung Wah bus is all they can deal with.

Who am I to say?

****
We went to New York last weekend. Here are some pictures.

Winter is stupid

I am back. It is dumb. There is snow on the ground and it's completely grey. Why do I live in New England again? I also came back just in time to go to a memorial service (which I was glad to be able to do actually, as it was my good friend's family member who had passed away) but that made coming back even more depressing. It's grey, and cold, AND you're going to a funeral! Ugh.

Las Vegas is a silly silly town. It is also kind of amazing that there is just this big adult Disney Land in the middle of the desert. Plunked down, in the center of absolutely nothing. But I loved all the palm trees and seeing flowers and on Monday when I sat out in the sun and I actually felt kind of sick from it. My body was all, WHAT IS THIS HOT BALL IN THE SKY? DOES NOT COMPUTE. REJECTION!

Do you understand what I am saying? My body doesn't understand sun. This is truly horrifying.

Anyway. Here are some pictures if you want to see. Click the palm tree for Vegas photos and the Grand Canyon for, well, Grand Canyon photos.

After I digest the trip, I will write some more about it.

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week.

On Sunday afternoon the dude and I went to visit our friends and their newish baby. Then another friend came over with her even newer baby and then our pregnant friend showed up. There is something in the water... and apparently that something is sperm! So, I played with the babies and Katia and I did some dancing and everyone was all "you are so good with babies! When are you having one!?" and then they would talk about how their boobs were so hard, they can't go to the bathroom by themselves, and they never sleep or have sex anymore. SIGN ME UP FOR HAVING BABIES IMMEDIATLELY PLEASE.

I like babies, I really do. They are cute, they smell good, and then they get a little bigger and say funny things. I think they are tops. But I also don't want one. At least, not right now. Talk to me in four or five years. Right now I am liking sleeping in and reading books and spending money on useless things like makeup and bags and new pants.

On the way out of our friends house, Bob and I stopped to rub the buddah in the hallway. I was all, "rub his belly, it is good luck!" and so we did and then we stumbled down the stairs and went home. On Tuesday he found $100 on the street and then yesterday I won a camera. What?! Maybe that really WAS good luck! I told my friend that we rubbed her buddah and as far as I know she has been out in her hallway since, rubbing that thing raw.

The camera thing was strange because a month of so ago, someone from Now Public contacted me through Flickr and asked if they could use one of my photos. Sure, I said! And never thought about it again until I got this email saying my photo was one of their top 5. Well, okay! I get a video camera (which I may turn around and sell, or maybe not). I decided to enter some other contests, you know just in case. I am hoping the Caribbean vacations pan out. I really need a tan.

Did I tell you that I am taking my mom to Las Vegas for her 60th birthday? Well, I am. We are going to see this. She's excited. I am excited to see all the craziness and lights and Elvises and go to the desert which I think I will love. Hot, dry, pretty, what is not to love?

Oh and next weekend, Wendy is coming to visit. I have not met her yet in person but I think I will love her too. Pretty, buzzed, funny, what is not to love?!

Jukebox

Wake Up Little Susie is the first song I ever loved. I am six years old, riding in the back of our VW Rabbit, going to Lake Dunmore, telling my mom to turn it up. I cut all the hair off my doll, Jenny, and now she resembles a militant lesbian but I love her more for it.

When I am seven my teacher plays Here Comes The Sun every day during lunch. We sit side by side at the long orange table in our classroom, and it plays over and over. She must be repeating it on her own, she must be a George Harrison fan.

Leah and eight year old me dance in the puddles in her driveway until we are soaked and on the wet ride home my mom plays Billie Jean on the car tape deck. It's a short ride so when we get home and the song is still playing, we wait for it to end before we get out of the car.

2007: Flashback

Wow, 2007, you were really kind of hard and sad in parts. My dad has a theory that the odd years are more, well, ODD than the even years and this was definitely true this year.

So. Anyway. I am looking forward to 2008 but first let's look back on 2007, shall we?!

2007: The Year

Theme of this year: I think it was something about TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and the people you really love. And I know that is simple and boring but I feel like I had a lot of challenging interactions with people this year and I lost some friends for being honest but the people who REALLY matter stuck around and I peeled back the onion to the part that is the most important to me.

Best Month of the Year: July. I love summer, but it was too fast as usual. I also had a nice fall and things seemed to sort of fall into place life wise and that was a nice feeling.

Best Day of the Year: My birthday? Oh, I guess the day I moved. February 3rd. It was a little nuts and stressful but I was excited about it and it was a good move for me. Also, the day I quit my horrible job. Well done, me.

Worst Day/Time of the Year:  May 5th.

Favorite Person of the Year: My best friend, my boyfriend. I chose them and I like them a lot.

Favorite Moment of the Year: The day I was having lunch with my boyfriend and one of my oldest friends in the world and then my best friend walked by outside with her baby, which was unplanned and I hadn't seen her in 4 months. That was a really happy day/moment for me. A bunch of babies were also born this year, which is an easy thing to pick out, but whatever. Babies are awesome.

I also met some cool ladies this year, thanks to the Internet. The lovely and talented Sarah Brown and also Caitlin (of Styrofoam Kitty, who I have talked to pretty much every day for three years) and awesome Danielle. Maybe in 2008 I will get to meet some other ladies I would make out with. (Angela, Wendy, Cat, I am looking at you!)

Favorite CD of the Year: Rilo Kiley, Under the Blacklight. Arcade Fire, Neon Bible. Ben Lee, Ripe (his most grownup and sexiest record, in my opinion. I love the title song and also Blush), Feist, The Remainder.

Favorite Movie: Broken English.  I also really liked Knocked Up and Darjeeling Limited. I saw some from last year (thanks Netflix!) that I really liked like Half Nelson and Stranger Than Fiction. The other day we saw Walk Hard which was really funny. And it is not doing so well but all three of us (with very different movie tastes) all really liked it. So you should go see it too.

Live Show of the Year: Elvis Costello was great. And seeing The Smoking Popes with the dude was very fun for me.

Best Thing I Bought: New camera for Christmas!

Favorite Trip: The dude and I went to Ipswich the weekend before Labor Day and stayed in a cheap place with a pool and had ice cream at Dairy Queen by the side of the road. I liked it. Going to Michigan for my cousin's wedding was also really fun and it was nice to have my whole family all together which seems rare as time goes on.

Book of the Year: God, I just didn't get into any books this year. I started about 15 and I am still reading them all.

Here comes 2008. I am hopeful for more exciting things and more big changes in my life. I will hold on and enjoy the ride and see what happens. It is all I can do. Happy New Year.

(Here's what I said last year, in case you're curious.)

2007: The Year

Theme of this year: I think it was something about TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and the people you really love. And I know that is simple and boring but I feel like I had a lot of challenging interactions with people this year and I lost some friends for being honest but the people who REALLY matter stuck around and I peeled back the onion to the part that is the most important to me.

Best Month of the Year: July. I love summer, but it was too fast as usual. I also had a nice fall and things seemed to sort of fall into place life wise and that was a nice feeling.

Best Day of the Year: My birthday? Oh, I guess the day I moved. February 3rd. It was a little nuts and stressful but I was excited about it and it was a good move for me. Also, the day I quit my horrible job. Well done, me.

Worst Day/Time of the Year:  May 5th.

Favorite Person of the Year: My best friend, my boyfriend. I chose them and I like them a lot.

Favorite Moment of the Year: The day I was having lunch with my boyfriend and one of my oldest friends in the world and then my best friend walked by outside with her baby, which was unplanned and I hadn't seen her in 4 months. That was a really happy day/moment for me. A bunch of babies were also born this year, which is an easy thing to pick out, but whatever. Babies are awesome.

I also met some cool ladies this year, thanks to the Internet. The lovely and talented Sarah Brown and also Caitlin (of Styrofoam Kitty, who I have talked to pretty much every day for three years) and awesome Danielle. Maybe in 2008 I will get to meet some other ladies I would make out with. (Angela, Wendy, Cat, I am looking at you!)

Favorite CD of the Year: Rilo Kiley, Under the Blacklight. Arcade Fire, Neon Bible. Ben Lee, Ripe (his most grownup and sexiest record, in my opinion. I love the title song and also Blush), Feist, The Remainder.

Favorite Movie: Broken English.  I also really liked Knocked Up and Darjeeling Limited. I saw some from last year (thanks Netflix!) that I really liked like Half Nelson and Stranger Than Fiction. The other day we saw Walk Hard which was really funny. And it is not doing so well but all three of us (with very different movie tastes) all really liked it. So you should go see it too.

Live Show of the Year: Elvis Costello was great. And seeing The Smoking Popes with the dude was very fun for me.

Best Thing I Bought: New camera for Christmas!

Favorite Trip: The dude and I went to Ipswich the weekend before Labor Day and stayed in a cheap place with a pool and had ice cream at Dairy Queen by the side of the road. I liked it. Going to Michigan for my cousin's wedding was also really fun and it was nice to have my whole family all together which seems rare as time goes on.

Book of the Year: God, I just didn't get into any books this year. I started about 15 and I am still reading them all.

Here comes 2008. I am hopeful for more exciting things and more big changes in my life. I will hold on and enjoy the ride and see what happens. It is all I can do. Happy New Year.

(Here's what I said last year, in case you're curious.)

Please put a penny in the old man's hat.

It's almost Christmas! Ohmygod, I am not ready!! I can't get over that we are already at CHRISTMAS. The year is almost over. It's so weird. And I promise to stop saying that. Someday. Maybe.

Tomorrow is my last day at work before TWELVE GLORIOUS DAYS of vacation. The wisest thing I ever did was use 3 vacation days and 1 personal day to get up to 12 days off (because of the weekends and holidays). Yay for me, I can do math. My dad was so proud that I got around The Man to get my rightly deserved vacation time.

Right now I feel like I am waisting precious time at work. Time where I could be wrapping presents or washing my kitchen floor or doing laundry. There is much to do. I am a Christmas elf!

Friday I am planning to go out into the fray and get the rest of my Christmas shopping done. I also might get myself a new toy. Then Friday afternoon I will come home and make Christmas cookies with Suzanne for our Christmas Brunch on Saturday. Then Sunday I will get a tree. AH, CHRISTMAS OVERDOSE! Christmas day will be me and the dude with family and then the day after Christmas my mom breezes in for five days. And we will shop and consume and be AMERICAN. GLUTTONY!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

I hope you are happy and warm wherever you are. Happy Holidaze!

A Friday List

1. It snowed ten inches in Boston yesterday. It was really pretty. It took me two hours to get home (6 miles!) so I had a lot of opportunity to look at it, and walk in it, and get it blown up my nose. Later in the evening when it had been snowing for hours I went outside with Jane the dog and we played and I took some pictures. When it is quiet and everything is white, it's really lovely to live here in New England.
2. I went back to the doctor yesterday morning and they re-checked my lungs and said "we can hear the wheezing!" and then they prescribed me steroids. So, I should be getting better in the next day or so. I can lift you over my head right now! I am the HULK on steriods! (tm styro). I went home last night and cleaned my entire house and shoveled the walk way. It was the first time I have had any real energy in over three weeks. YAY FOR DRUGS.
3. One more week of work and then I am off for 12 whole days. It really cannot come soon enough. What are your Christmas plans?
4. I like this video.

5. Have a nice weekend!

God bless us, every one.

I haven't been feeling very well lately. I actually haven't been feeling well since Thanksgiving which we spent in a dry house with two dogs and HEY GUESS WHAT? I am allergic to dogs now apparently! I figured this out by not being able to breathe through my nose for two full days and looking like death. It was awesome. I put turkey on my pain and muddled through somehow.

Right now the only thing (okay one of maybe three things) making life worth living is my number one lover, the Starbucks gingerbread latte. Come here, darling, we'll make out.

So. Anyway. Sick. Sick and coughing and full of phlegm! It's lovely. I went to the doctor on Friday (after three weeks of coughing and supporting the drug store on my salary by buying every over the counter drug available) and they said, well, you don't have asthma YET but maybe you will someday. Merry Christmas! And then they gave me two inhalers which cost me $80 (what the fuck, insurance?!) and sent me on my way. My slow, half the normal lung capacity, way. 

And that was Friday and today I am worse. At least my lungs don't hurt. Or at least, I think they don't but maybe I am just too distracted by all the coughing and the completely stuffed nose to notice. Someone in my office walked over to me today and handed me orange juice. I think she was tired of listening to my cough from her desk halfway down the hall.  I called the doctor three hours ago so maybe she'll call in another insanely expensive prescription for me to pick up. Did I mention I am broke until pay day on the 21st? Again I say, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Another bright spot is that I have TWELVE DAYS off over Christmas. Oh, it is going to be awesome. I will sleep and clean my house and make cookies and wrap things and also my mom is coming! And we'll go to Ikea! I better not be sick. I have to eat meatballs!

Lastly, there is Elroy who has just been so funny and charming lately, I can't believe he is only a cat. Of course, he is bigger than many small dogs and also babies so it is easy to believe he is a person. He wanted me to show you this picture of himself that he took for Christmas. He also wanted me to remind you not to chew on Christmas ribbon, cause it can really wrap itself around your poop and gross your mom out.

The end.

Missing in action

I am missing an apparently important gene. The ENGAGEMENT gene. Or the wanting to be engaged gene? The wanting to plan a wedding gene? I am not sure what it is called, maybe because I DO NOT HAVE IT.

Lately a lot of my friends have been getting engaged and then (happily!) married. Of course this seems to bring up the question of when I might possibly be getting engaged. Listen up everyone, the answer is never.

I so don't have it that engagement gene that last week when I sent a picture of my friend's engagement ring to Flickr, everyone thought I was engaged. It had not even occurred to me that people might think that. Oops.

I think it is great for people who want that. I am so happy for my friends who do. But I don't. For me, it's a waste. I don't want an engagement ring (until The Dude has to wear one, why should I?) - I would rather go on a trip. Or get a new couch. I don't wan to belong to someone else, until we're married when I do. And then HE wears a ring as well. Look at that! How fair and crazy! 

I won't be changing my name. Unless I marry someone with the last name "Rockstar" or maybe "Ballbuster" - that would be awesome, right? Until then, I like my name just fine. It's MY name.

I have talked to people about this and the impression is something is wrong with me. For not wanting What Everyone Else Wants. I don't know what is going to happen to me but I know what is not. I am not going down the same path everyone else is just because that is what you think I should do. Because that is what everyone wants. People seem to think I am trying to shit on their dream of being married, engaged, etc by saying I don't want it. People think I will change my mind someday.

Just because I don't want what you want doesn't make me crazy or confused.

It just makes me myself.

I'm sick and may be halucinating. You've been warned.

I remember that breathing was nice. Smelling things, that was nice too. I have not been able to use my nose in any real way for about a week now. I won't tell you about what is going on INSIDE MY NOSE, it's not pretty. The other night it was completely and totally blocked as if I was trying to breathe through a brick, yet, it was also dripping. That? Was disgusting. I would try to fall asleep and then I would feel it, about to drip. I finally fell asleep literally holding a clump of toilet paper next to my head. Yes, I have a boyfriend. No one knows why.

Coming back to work after time off has been very hard. My body hurts. I feel old. Today I think I had a hot flash. Why is the screen blurry? Am I going blind? Are you there God? It's me, Complainey.

So. I'm confused about this whole TIME THING. Specifically, how is it already December almost?!? I mean, REALLY. Things are flying by and I know I already said that but I am SERIOUS NOW and I need things to slow down. I feel like tomorrow i am going to be sitting in a rocking chair on a porch somewhere, surrounded by 17 cats.

I've decided that the only way to combat the whole HOLY SHIT TIME STOP FUCKING ME OVER thing is to have a lot of fun. I am getting excited for Christmas and presents and also the 11 days in a row (YES, ELEVEN) that I will have off of work. My mom will be coming to visit and maybe we'll go shopping and we'll probably lie around and eat cheese and watch movies. Sweet. I am so good at all of those things.

Oh, and soon my best friend and her cute adorable most excellent baby will be moving closer to me. Which is rad and makes me so happy. If life is going to be this fast and this short, I want to spend it with people I like.

Have I mentioned my boss is being a crab lately? He wants me to read his mind. WHERE DOES IT SAY 'mind reading' ON MY RESUME? Um, exactly nowhere. 

Last night I had a dream that I rode up to the top of a hill on a little bus with a bunch of people I didn't know. The bus was bigger than the top of the hill so we kind of rocked back and forth on top of the hill, looking out over the landscape. It was really beautiful and amazing, but it also scared the shit out of me.

That's what life is like, you know?

And now, cried Max, let the wild rumpus start!

Next week is Thanksgiving.

I kind of can't believe it. My birthday was already four months ago, seriously, WHERE IS THE TIME GOING?

I have a theory that as you get older the years seem smaller because they are less of your life. Have I tortured you with this theory before? You know, when you're three years old a year is one third of your life. When you are thirty, a year is only one thirtieth of your life. So you know, less and less, faster and faster every minute. Hold on tight or it will spin you off!

Anyway. So, Thanksgiving. I like Thanksgiving a lot even though sometimes it just seems like a holiday in which gorge ourselves until we can't breathe. I like the ritual of things, the watching the parade, the setting the table, everyone loud and chaotic and running around. This year for the first year in a long time I won't be with either of my parents or my family but with the dudes family and so the chaos won't be mine.  Maybe I can sit back on the side of the tornado or maybe I will get carried away by it and that would be okay.

In other news, I am watching 90210 on Soapnet and Brenda and Dylan ran away to Cabo and the SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN. I mean, Cindy and Jim are REALLY upset and I don't know if Brenda and Dylan will make it, you guys. Brenda is pouting in her bed while Kelly's mom is about to marry David's dad and Kelly is running around with that carpenter Jake and I SMELL SPIN OFF.  Maybe soon Brenda will go to Paris and pretend to be French and meet "Reek" and meanwhile Kelly and Dylan will be making out by a fire that threatens to burn Dylan's giant gelled hair off his head.

I am not sure how it is all going to work out, but I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Disguise

The first costume I remember wearing (aside from the year I think I was Big Bird? I have a recollection of feathers but maybe I was just a four year old Can Can dancer or something) was Cinderella. I had one of those plastic masks they don't really seem to make any more. You know, the hard plastic kind with the eyes that hurt? They kind of cut into your skin and you get all hot inside them and end up taking them off half way into the night.

Anyway. My mom's friend Jane french braided my hair and I must have worn some kind of dress or something. I remember the hair braiding and walking down the stairs in Jane's house before we went out. By process of elimination I think I was five when this happened.

Halloween is especially bizarro world when you are a little kid. Everyone is dressed as someone else, people are running around in the dark and you don't know what the hell is going on. It's like a strange acid trip, plus you are jacked on candy so that adds a whole other strung out vibe to the evening.

This year I didn't really have a costume so I will leave you with a picture from last year when I got Decked Out. Yes, that is my real hair.

Happy Halloween!

Where my heart is.

There are two camps lately in my life. People breaking up and people having babies.

In the past year, five babies have been born in my world and right now three of my friends are pregnant. One of them is about to pop any day now. I know she is super anxious to see her little girl and I am excited for that baby. She's going to have a great life with extremely adorable parents. (Seriously, they people should be sold at a Hallmark store next to the figurines and balloons. They are That Cute.)

The people breaking up are not as cute. They are annoyed and upset and pissed off. And more than that, they are confused. I am hearing so many "and then we broke up, but I don't know WHY?!" stories lately. Much time is being spent on trying to figure out the REASON why this happened. Sometimes we just need a reason to move on. It seems to me that we should at least get to know WHY it is happening. Maybe there is no reason but COME ON, usually there is some kind of reason. Why do dudes feel compelled to tell the ladies bullshit? Things like, "we don't have chemistry" or "I just don't know". Maybe sometimes there isn't. Maybe sometimes you don't know but I think a lot of times you do. I think you are trying to spare our feelings or something?

Here's a tip; stop fucking "sparing our feelings" because it isn't working. We aren't stupid. We know there is another reason. Maybe you don't like us, maybe you don't want to have a girlfriend, maybe there is someone else. At least start telling the truth, it will make it that much easier for us to understand and then we'll realize what all of friends is saying is true - you don't deserve us anyway.

***

Anyway. I am doing a bit better since my last post. Thank you for your nice comments. I know that a lot of people feel this way and sometimes just knowing you aren't the only one wondering these things can make you feel better. Knowing I am not the only crazy one looking at everyone and thinking "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!" does make me SLIGHTLY more comfortable. I feel like the entire reason for Heaven is so that people feel better about dying. And I suppose there is not a better reason than that.

Tomorrow I will take a little airplane trip to Michigan for my cousin's wedding reception on Saturday (here's us a few years back). I am looking forward to seeing my extended family, many for the first time in almost three years. I will be glad to see my mom, who I haven't seen in months. I love my friends and they are my CHOSEN family but I think with all the things I have been thinking about lately, it will be nice to see the people who HAVE TO LOVE ME because we're related. Even when I am nuts.

Sometimes we just need to go home.

I know the sky is what makes the ocean blue.

So, this is it right? Or... we're not sure. Maybe there is more after this. Maybe there is SOMETHING ELSE. Something unknown. Maybe it is just the end, when it is the end. Maybe there is life after. Maybe we float into the sky and watch over the people we love. Maybe we don't. Maybe there is nothingness.

Maybe.

I've been thinking a lot about death again. And I know everything you are going to say. Life is short. Make the most of it while you are here. There is no point dwelling on it because we all die. Death is what makes life important. Energy doesn't die. Focus on the good things. Be happy for your life NOW.

And, I am.

I know all of that.

It doesn't make me feel any better.

Sometimes I lie in the dark and all I can think is EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE. It is the only thing in my head. And my eyes fill up with tears and I feel sick to my stomach. It is getting to the point where it starts to paralyze me. I mean not LITERALLY. I can get up and walk around but I am still thinking it. I am smilling, I am hugging my friends, I am laughing at your jokes but I am thinking "you're dead. We're all dead. Someday when we don't even know it, there we go."

Obviously it gets worse when someone I know has died. I mean that makes sense right? It is on my mind. Maybe it is part of the grief? But the fact that I can't really get past it, that somehow I can't accept it even when I know every LOGICAL thing about it, that is what I worry about. Will I ever get over it? Will it ever be okay? Somehow, I don't think it will.

And I am not exactly sure what I should do with that.

Think about things. Like a walk in the park.

My mind feels like a garbage disposal. I have lots of ideas of things to write about but now they are so mashed up and mixed together, I am not sure where to begin. Perhaps a list will help!

1. We went to on our mini break and it was great. Arriving at the shabby motel on Friday afternoon, the pool was empty so ONE GUESS as to where I went first. It was cold and nice and I really really wish I had a pool. Swimming? I love it. Friday night we went into town and had dinner including unnecessary potato skins and then we went to the beach at sunset (how romantical!) and then we went to a Dairy Queen by the side of the road and had some VERY unnecessary (hey! I loved that cd!) milkshakes. I drank half of mine and then felt like I might throw up. YAY FOR VACATION! You can see some pictures of all the fun here if you like.

2. I got a new phone! This is my second new phone of the year because the first one was not so awesome. It did this weird progressive text thing with the text messages? Which wasn't so much progressive text as maybe some problem with super sensitive buttons? (DIRTY) So, anyway. Now I have this phone and it's so pretty. I don't know whether I should make calls on it or make out with it.

3. This week I bought tickets for me and that dude to go and see Elvis Costello and Bob Dylan in a few weeks. That should be fun. I have seen them both before but together is very cool. I think I've actually seen Elvis like four times? With my friend Alex who loves him. I even stood in an alley with her waiting for him once. That sounds like we were about to mug him, but I promise we didn't. I saw Bob Dylan in 1996. Maybe? Again with Alex and also with some other friends and my dad. I don't know if I got a contact high or what but I do not remember ANY of that show. It is a weird crazy blur. A long strange trip, if you will. But this time I will remember everything! And it will be great! Happy Birthday to the dude! 

4. I am thinking about writing something about the weird thing that has been happening since I moved in February, because I find it really interesting and odd. I guess you would call it racism? Although I am VERY reluctant to say that because it has been coming from my FRIENDS and people I love.

I moved to a neighborhood which is mainly black and I guess is on the EDGE of a part of town which can at times be sketchy, you know, I wouldn't walk around there by myself after midnight or anything. But primarily my street and the ones surrounding it are occupied by people who have lived there a long time, people who bought their houses and care about their neighborhood a lot. People who are kind and generous and have been so welcoming and great to me. I love being in the minority there, I think it is something everyone (especially those of us who are white and generally pretty privileged) should feel at some point. It is a hard thing to talk about sometimes, and that is interesting to me too.

My house, my landlords/friends and myself are pretty much the only white people on the block but I never even really think about it until someone who DOESN'T live there brings it up. I have had people ask me repeatedly how I "like the neighborhood" and had one woman who I have known and liked for years tell me out right, "oh, I know that street. It's a bad street." And I honestly had to stop and think, well, what makes it bad??

We live in a beautiful world. Yeah we do, yeah we do.

I feel like I have a song in my head, but I don't know how it goes. You know what I mean? Like there is something RIGHT THERE but I can't see it. What is it? What does it want? I don't know. I hope this feeling passes soon or I might have to start drinking.

Tomorrow I am going out of town. Only overnight. Only an hour away. But I'm excited. I haven't really gone any place since I went to a funeral in May and I really don't think that counts, do you? That wasn't any  pleasure cruise. I will be close to the ocean, there will be a pool, and maybe drinks. And hopefully sun. I even took a half day off so I will get picked up from work and direct my ride TO THE BEACH! And off we'll go. Into the sunset. Or maybe just into the sun, you know how it is.

What else? This week there have been a lot of visitors in town and barbecues and dinners out. At one barbecue there were five ladies present, including me. Two of the ladies are pregnant and one had a baby a few months ago. Do not drink the fruit punch is what I decided. I can barely keep up with my cat, who once again is having trouble maintaining his long hair. On Tuesday night I gave him a bath. Why, YES, it was as fun as you imagine it would be .

Anyway, I have had so much to eat in the last three days, I could have fed a family of five with the leftovers. Cream sauce and pasta and butter, OH MY. Last night we went out with the dude's family folks and his niece told me my "outer skin" was cool, but my inner skin was warm. And I think I should be glad about that.

Tonight I will pack my new bathing suit and my sunblock and ready myself for 24 hours outside of dodge. I hope there are warm breezes and ocean smells and clean sheets. I will be happy, no matter what.

Some words about things.

Yesterday Dunkin Donuts tried to charge me ninety one cents for air.

I wanted a bagel, just plain because I was going to toast it at work so the woman entered that in ("BAGEL $0.99") and then I saw "NO SPREAD $0.91" at which point I was all, well, I don't want to be a pain but I am paying almost a dollar FOR NOTHING? Hmm. Not only are we a wasteful breed but we are now also just throwing our money away to get the bagel with nothing on it. I am paying for the bagel AND the fact that I am boring and don't want blueberry cream cheese! Which, by the way, ew. I don't want any kind of berries anywhere near my cream cheese. Maybe a chive but that is where I draw the line. I don't want to CHEW my cream cheese. At that point, I could just be eating cheese!

So. Anyway.

Last week work was hard and I was upset and I cried at my desk. But for once it wasn't because someone yelled at me or was an asshole, it was just because WOW ACTUAL WORK IS CONFUSING SOMETIMES. And I was overwhelmed. It has been a long time since I was actually CHALLENGED by a job and I honestly did not know what to do with that. I mean, that is over simplifying in some sense because I am not above trying to figure shit out but there was no one to ask so eventually I just called it a day and took my laptop home. I took work home! Who am I? Then on Sunday afternoon after a long and very indulgant brunch, I sat on my couch eating popsicles and trying to figure HOW THE HELL TO DO THIS SHIT?!

After an hour I gave up and then on Monday morning I came into work and SURPRISE it all seemed a lot easier again. My boss even wrote me a nice email after I sent him this stupid long confusing thing saying "Great job!" so that made me feel good. I had some sort of feeling I couldn't identify and I then I realized, Hey! That's work pride!! WHO KNEW?

Last week my boss told me that if I wanted, I could get a Blackberry. Um. Wow. I have a real job and I can even have REAL JOB TOYS if I want them. I MUST BE IMPORTANT! So far I am just thinking about it because I like the idea that people can't really reach me now unless I am at my desk. (And even then I kind of ignore calls and hit "DIVERT" (the best phone button ever) and then call them back on my own time because that is how I roll.) The Dude was all pro-Blackberry thinking that maybe work would then pay for my personal calls, but I am not sure how to exactly ask about that. "So, do you pay for ALL my calls?" Or "do you mind if I make extra phone calls which aren't business related?" I mean, people must do that all the time, right??

Finally, this is my favorite thing of today which is kind of outdated but I don't care. Enjoy!

The sun in California, it drops right into the sea. I took a couple pictures, they don't mean that much to me.

On Saturday I went to the ocean with Alex and Jack.

As I was floating around in the lovely water I was thinking about how I love hte ocean more than really anything else. I love the beach, I love the sun, I love the water. I love swimming. I LOVE IT. Even when my umbrella blew away and I thought it was gone forever - the beach tried to steal my umbrella! - I didn't care. I loved the beach. Even when those annoying girls wouldn't shut up about bikinis, and that guy near me was playing Bon Jovi, I STILL LOVED THE OCEAN.

For the ocean, I am totally the girl who keeps coming back. I am all, the beach hits because it loves! I refuse to see any faults, if an occasional rock stubs my toe, I AM UNFAZED. My greatest dream would be to wake up and walk outside in the morning and take a few steps to the ocean. The ocean loves me when I first wake up, with pillow scars on my skin. It doesn't care about my morning breath.

A few years ago my dad and Carl and I spent a good hour floating in the water at this same beach (will I ever stop saying "beach"? No. No I will not) and it was warm and so calm, I almost wanted to cry. It was one of those YAY LIFE moments that I love so much and I've been having them at this same place for years and years. I feel the most at home by the ocean. It feels like where I belong. And having moved consistantly since I was born (over 24 times for those of you keeping track at home) - that is a big damn deal to me.

For whatever it is worth, the power of attraction seems to work for me. It worked me into this job and into my relationship and while I didn't sit back and hope and pray I would get those things, I thought about them a lot and here I am. With them. In my cool new apartment with friends I love and obviously my life is not perfect (um, yeah, someday I will get my credit together and WON'T THAT BE NOVEL) but it is pretty okay, so I can't really complain. Too much.

I do wish I lived closer to the ocean though.

That lovely blue.

Is she weird, is she white, is she promised to the night? And her head has no room!

I think I should live by the ocean. It is only fair. I mean, I LOVE the ocean. And I think we should all just be able to live where we want when we want and WOULDN'T LIFE JUST BE PERFECT THEN?

If life was perfect though, would we appreciate it? Would we know?

I think I have heat stroke. It's been so hot this weekend and now I have a super headache that is resistant to Advil and booze. What the f, head? Yesterday we were supposed to go the beach (see above, re: WHERE I SHOULD LIVE) and then it was all cloudy and gray when we got up and so, nope, no beach. Of course, then the sun came out later and it was Africa Hot and I was sweaty in the wrong places and then I got... CRANKY.

In the midst of my crank we went to the pharmacy so I could pick up my prescription and they? Are morons. The guy asked why was I there early, was there a reason I took all my 28 days of pills in only 14 days? To which I was like, what? I don't know what you are talking about and then OH YEEEEAH I forgot that I sat around taking two birth control pills every day BECAUSE THEY ARE SO DELIGHTFUL. I mean, seriously? When he finally figured it out it was (shockingly) a computer error, he told me it might happen again next time I come in to get my pills. Well, I will look forward to that, Idiot Pharmacy People!

I am trying to think of what else has been going on that has been exciting and amusing and I am sort of drawing a blank. I've been busy... and? I am a little bummed because I haven't gone anywhere this summer and the planned trip to the beach for my birthday weekend didn't happen. It still could I guess but in the next 8 weeks there are two weddings to go to, one in Omaha and one in Michigan. That is a lot of Midwest, people.  One is for my cousin who is not a normal cousin in that I talk to her almost every day. She's more like my sister and her wedding party is on The Dude's birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY you get to celebrate with my entire family! Hurrah! But there will also be free food and booze and music... so it could be worse right? Right?!?

Lastly, I feel like I need some new music. Suggestions for me? if you think of things i must have, please comment. I am going to see The Smoking Popes this week and I am excited. It's been way too long since I've seen live music. That is my birthday resolution to myself, go out and hear more music. It's a good start, I think.

Buh-bye.

PS. This guy I know has a new music page on Myspace. Why don't you go and him to your friends!?

Stand in front of you, I'll take the force of the blow.

So, Hi! How are you?

I am doing a lot better. Thank you for your comments and emails. I guess I was just having a little birthday crisis. Things are not SOLVED but I feel like I have a little more control of my life and as of now, things are solidly okay.

I'm also having a fun summer. I had a great day on my birthday and a fun party in which a bunch of my loveliest and most fabulous friends came. I am so very lucky to have them all in my life and to get to call them my family.

Last night I went out with some crazy Internet ladies and that was pretty damn awesome. I know the Internet is a crazy weird place sometimes but I have been blessed to meet people who are so fantastic. Earlier this summer I got to chill out with Sarah Brown and last night it was doing shots and eating giant massive food with gals who are the fucking bomb.

Check out the photos (click on the photo for the set). You won't be sorry.

My life passes me on the shoulder and leaves me nowhere. I know a place that I can go, please take me there.

As my birthday gets closer I am getting harder on myself.

I do this every year to some extent. I guess next to the sort of lameness that is New Years, birthdays are the best time to examine where you've been and where you are going (they are also a good time to drink and have nachos, but that is a post for another day).

If you aren't someone who cares about that sort of thing (the ever ticking clock of LIFE PASSING YOU BY) then you can probably just float along having fun, and I would say I envy you but I don't really. This self examination that I have a habit of doing is just another part of me, and if I can't think about what is going on inside of me as well as out, then I don't really see the point. Of anything.

So, now here I am pushing, prodding, and feeling lonesome. It feels like being at a party where everyone knows everyone else and you know no one. Standing in the corner by the chips and smiling to people as they walk by, but nobody smiles back.

I feel sad. I wish I could blame hormones but apparently this is just Me Getting Older and Thinking About Shit. Like, I know I want to have babies sometime. I think about that and what that will be like and who I will have them with. All that annoying girl stuff that everyone goes through. Or not. I know I am nowhere close to Parentville now because all the cash I have in the world is currently CHANGE but, you know, blah blah blah SOMEDAY.

It feels like everything keeps getting pushed to down the road, in the future, someday and that makes me feel very lost. What is now? Is this all the foundation for SOMEDAY and then when I get there will I be happy? Or just waiting for the next day to come?

I like my new job, I like where I live, I have great friends. But nothing feels permanent. Tomorrow everything could change and I won't recognize a thing. Everything is fluid and changing and people are dying and being born and nothing, nowhere, is the same.

It makes me want to hold on so tight that my hands turn to rock and crumble and fall apart. It makes me want to let go, and free fall, just to see where I might land.

Just to see if anyone would save me.

Pearls in the sky are strung round the moon

It's July again. Welcome to my birthday month. You may now begin your mini-celebration of ME.

My uncle is in town because every year he and my dad get together to celebrate their birthdays. July is not just MY birthday month, it's THE birthday month. So, I am sure they are on the run now after pilfering some museums and eating too many appetizers. If you see these guys, plug your ears because they laugh LOUDLY. (video link)

I started my new job two weeks ago and I am kind of reluctant to say this but so far I LOVE IT. It is seriously exactly what I wanted and was looking for, with things to learn, a lot of time to work on my own and a pretty laid back boss who is specific in what he wants and not completely nuts like some of my other recent bosses. It hurts me to say this as a feminist, but if I can help it I will not work for a woman again. What is up with us, ladies? When other women work for us we suddenly become super insecure, competitive and BAT SHIT CRAZY. It also seems impossible for a woman boss to state what she needs clearly and calmly and there is that weird "let's be best friends!" thing that happens with women which is really just fake and ridiculous.

It's like small talk. There is no point. I hate small talk. I don't want to know about your house or where you got that shirt and I don't want to tell you about my boyfriend and my cat. It makes me want to stab my eyes out with a pen.  But I digress.

No more woman bosses! Only men!  I love men! MEN MEN MEN!

Um. Yeaaaaaah.

This week after going to New York I came back to my job on Tuesday and felt completely and utterly lost.  By Wednesday I realized I didn't need to act like I knew everything. No one expects me to know what the hell is going on. After I decided, okay, ask questions! I also became aware of the fact that I seem to have this compulsion to SAY I know more than I do. What the hell is that? Don't say "yes" you know what is going on when you have no clue which way is up. I may need more self awareness because who knew I was a big fat liar!?

Anyway. It's a good job, I love my cube. Once i start getting paid I will really love it because I will be rich! New bags for everyone! I can order any office supply I want and on Friday I ordered a day planner. Now I am super excited to go into work on Monday because it will be there waiting for me. Total dork. I'm excited to go to work! Unprecedented!!

I don't know what to say as an ending so I will just say I am watching American Dreamz on cable and it's pretty funny. Hugh Grant is starting to look a little orange though, he might want to look into some sunblock. You know, if he happens to be surfing blogs on a Sunday morning. He might have had a late night with the hookers...

And I was happy to be alive, in a magic world.

This weekend I went to New York. I walked A LOT, visited Central Park, saw a guy puking on the street, met my best friends baby, and hung out with a lady who is just as nice as I knew she would be.

Sadly SB and I didn't get to go to the Daily Show since some asshat with an ear piece told us it was sold out. Um, but "I have tickets" I said. He replied, asshatly, EVERYONE has tickets. Well. WHAT IS THE POINT OF TiCKETS? Thanks, Jon!

So, instead we gathered up our shit and went to see Knocked Up. It was all okay in the end. Phew, I know you were worried.

You can see all the pictures here. That ought to be really thrilling to you for about two minutes. Enjoy!!

PS. This has been making me laugh all day long. It is just too great, if I do say so myself!

I can walk under ladders

The week I was born the horoscope for Cancer said "a baby born this week will be lucky all it's life". I know this because it is in my baby book. Sometimes I feel just okay about things and something I feel like that really is true.

I got a job this week. After about 12 interviews (maybe less, maybe more) someone finally wants to hire me! I must have finally pushed my boobs out far enough! Score!!

Anyway, it's a pretty awesome and "important" job. I will be working as an executive assistant in a department with a lot of super tight deadlines and stuff that has to be done exactly right the first time. This makes me nervous if only because I don't even post a entry to my blog without changing it four times immediately afterwards. So, this means, DOUBLE & TRIPLE CHECKING everything in the new place. At least when I start. Sometimes I get bored and attention to detail is a challenge for me. I know going in that I have to be aware of this, but I still get a little scared.

The cool job also decided I was awesome enough that they offered me about seven grand more than I asked for. I will be making the most I have ever made and I kind of feel like a GROWNUP about it. It's weird. I feel like I could get ahead on bills, pay back people who lent me money during leaner times, and maybe even go on vacation or something. What a novel thought!

I was already feeling pretty lucky after I got the job offer yesterday and thought about it all night and all morning (while I contemplated crazy exotic vacations as I took a shower) and then today I went to lunch and this happened.

So, yeah, job schmob. Now I KNOW I am lucky.

PS. Dear Whoever is Reading My Blog From Hinesburg, Vermont: Did I go to highschool with you? If not, do I know you? Who are you?

A thousand different versions of yourself

I cannot wrap my head around everything that has been going on lately.

It seems like everyone I care about is in the middle of a shit storm and I am just watching them, trying to pass them an umbrella, ducking and covering when and where I can.

That said, I am not unhappy or depressed myself. Does that make me a bad friend? I am trying to focus on my own stuff and deal with my own life and not get bogged down in everything and everyone else (hello, run on sentence). I feel like that was my lesson in the last year. Just try to get through MY OWN CRAP and not get absorbed in the drama of everyone else. It is all I can do really. I still want to help my friends and be there for them but I can't take on their problems as if they are my own. I guess that is as clearly as I can explain it.

I still have no real job, I am temping at a place which is just okay but not where I want to be very much longer. I am trying to remedy that. I am being pickier about interviews because DEAR GOD how many times can I say I am great? How Up With People about myself can I get? I am a good worker, hire me. The end! If I ever have to interview people I am going to ask them new and different questions like, do you hate working as much as I do? Do you want to join a lottery pool with me? Things like that, etc etc.

I've been thinking about starting up a new website. Maybe with some advice and thoughts about beauty products or hair crap? You know I am obsessed with it, I might as well just start doing it as a hobby. Maybe it needs to be more specialized? I don't know. I am totally brainstorming here now and IS THIS THING ON? This is the most boring post ever.

The only interesting thing I can think to write about is the dude who came into my work on Sunday. I was working for my friends at an Open House (my real estate agent friends from the last job) and this guy came in... well, he was a guy. He was dressed pretty dude-ish with shorts, a t-shirt, sneakers. You know, fairly harmless and plain. But then! THEN!! He had his long red hair up in a crazy messy bun and AND! He was wearing green eyeshadow. Messily applied green eyeshadow. And DANGLY BEADED EARRINGS. ? Hmm. I mean, I am open minded and I try not to be judgemental (sometimes) but I have to say it confused me. Just the variety of things was confusing. Like, who wears sneakers and dangly beaded earrings? He needed a THEME to his outfit. And he was perfectly nice but the hand crafted green bead earrings were waving in the breeze as he and I chatted and I wanted to be like "dude, SERIOUSLY?"

I mean, clearly, with that outfit he should have worn hoops.

I want some sugar on my tongue.

As of today I have been unemployed for three weeks.

This hasn't been so terrible really because mostly I have just been in my apartment; on the computer looking for jobs, watching Law and Order reruns, and working out. Since the end of February I have lost something like 8lbs and I hope to hit 10lbs by Monday. Yesterday I worked out so much and did so many squats that today I can barely walk. Oh, my ass is tight and it is sore. That sentence ought to get me some interesting web traffic.

But on the other hand, job hunting really does suck out your soul. It is hard to continally get a boner about myself, repeating how great I am and how YES I WILL WORK HARD FOR YOU, big boy! It's so boring. My work history is boring. My story of why I moved from here to there? Boring. The fact that your job is SO HARD in your eyes? Yes, very very boring. Oh, wait, I mean "you're awesome! Can I please work for you?!?"

Also, if you go back in my archives to last March and the March before that you will see that I was (wait for it....) JOB HUNTING. Apparently my kind of spring fever involves completely uprooting my life and looking for a new career. Bully for me. On Monday I have something coming up which I am pretty excited about it. I am trying to be very positive and putting good energy out into the world. I am totally The Secret about it. I want it, come to me! Isn't that how it works?

Otherwise, Easter is on Sunday and have I mentioned that I love Easter?? Not the religious aspect because um, what happened on Easter? Jesus dyed eggs with a rabbit? I am not sure exactly. (don't email me, I know what he did...he ate some chocolate!) No, I love Easter because it means Spring and crocuses and Easter brunch with ham and mimosas. I love the mellow drunkenness of mimosas. THAT is what Easter is all about. Will someone pay me for drinking mimosas? I am super good at it and that would be awesome.

I hope the Rabbit brings you something delicious. You totally deserve it.

Up the water spout

Today is my last day at my job and I am celebrating my reading gossip online and posting to my blog. Viva, freedom!

I have quit for many reasons but mainly because it is sort of the equivalant of coming to a place every day where they are going to throw stones at you while you sit there tied to the chair. Or something. Corporate America, blah blah blah. I don't even have a new job (and when I told my friend Michael that he yelled "BALLS TO THE WALL!" which I enjoyed) but I have a bunch of interviews and things lined up and I am not too nervous... yet.

My whole attitude about work is that my job funds my life, and the two are not very intertwined or interchangable. My job is just my JOB and when I start to hate going there every day, it doesn't really become worth it anymore. Maybe this is not a very mature/grown up attitude to have, I don't know. The same way that I try not to get too upset when something at work is lame or upsetting, I also don't think it should wrench out your guts every day, you know?

I feel like the point of every job is to maybe meet people who change your life or effect you in some new/different way.  Maybe they make you think about things or introduce you to other new people, maybe they tell you about a new sex act. Or as has been the case with this job; maybe they get you very very drunk and make you dance on the bar with them.

As usual, I am excited and very ready to see what happens next. I am standing there with the wind blowing in my face, wondering which way to go next.

I am prepared to dance on all the bars in town.

It's bound to melt your heart, one way or another.

How was your Christmas, Internet?

Good, I'm so glad to hear it. Yes, mine was pretty good also. I woke up early with coffee in red cheerful mugs and coffee cake and Charlie Browns Christmas playing on the stereo. I opened a wide variety of gifts (highlights, this, and also this Sephora money from my mom, who is a crazy person). Then we had mimosas.

Then we went back to bed with The Band's Greatest Hits playing in the background.

We also made an epic Christmas breakfast and for the first time ever I made French Toast. I decided to actually make French toast sticks, because food in the form of a stick is appealing somehow. I am unsure why. Some kind of weird penis envy or something?

On Christmas Eve there was church and veggie takeout with our nice friends and their new baby (Merry 1st Christmas to Otis!) and It's a Wonderful Life. When Harry says "to my big brother, George, the richest man in town" forget it, it's over. Pass the tissues.

I am a huge Christmas dork.

Other times I cried included when the pastor in the Church talked about how blessed we are and how we just need to stop and think about how much we have. I honestly have to STOP stopping to think about because every time I do I just burst into tears. Is THAT what you want, God?? Thanks a ton. I honestly can't even look at that above photo without starting to cry. I really need to pull it together over here. What is my problem?

On Christmas day we drove around to see family and feel cozy and it was all just generally pretty good. There was turkey and searching for presents under other presents (material madness!) and driving home in the dark, looking at Christmas lights and holding hands.

Feeling like where I was sitting was exactly where I was suppose to be. Like I knew it all along, but just finally got there. And that was pretty great.

My New Years resolution is to write more. To write different things. To come back and say hi more often, even if no one is listening. Just because you need to start somewhere. I'm very excited for 2007 and whatever is going to come next. I feel like everything is waiting and we all have to go out and find it. So, let's all start together.

Ready, set...go!

Testing 1, 2, 3. Is this thing on?

So, I appear to be on some sort of blog hiatus right now. And it's not that I don't love you (all four of you who are reading. Hi there!  How've you been?) because I do. It's just that, you know, life is happening and I don't really know what to say about it. Everything is pretty good, and as I have said before, that is just kind of boring. I hate my job but lately even that has been manageable. I KNOW! Boring!!

I have sat down lately to do some real (serious and grown up!) writing but then the phone rings or I have to take a picture of the cat and then I just get distracted trying to get my hair to stop doing that! You know how it is.

I guess I am wondering what direction to take my writing in at all and I don't know how this blog fits in. Good people are dropping like flies and fleeing the the whole scene and while I don't want to do that, I guess I do need a little break. To live my life and shit like that. Plus, it is very hard to write these days when the one thing that is foremost and happening is the one thing I have promised not to write about. So...?

I feel pretty sure that the moment I will post this I'll get a million ideas of what to write next. I see a redesign in my future and maybe that will inspire me to come back and do more. Maybe I need a theme idea of some kind. Short stories? Music reviews? I don't know yet.

So... I guess that's about it for now. Stay cool. Be well.

See you soon.

VERY SMALL UPDATE: I am still posting here and there on Vox but many of my posts are marked "friends and family" so let me know if you are on Vox or if you want an invite, you can let me know that too. Bye!

It ain't me you're looking for, babe.

I feel kind of boring lately because I am doing so much stuff but then when I go to write about it I sit there staring at the monitor and crickets chirp and dustbowls roll by.

But this weekend something great happened, I got a new couch! It is actually just a loveseat but my apartment is so small, I thought that was enough. Here is a picture of Elroy laying on it, thinking "oh, you got this new sofa FOR ME!" Soon after that we decided, no cats on the new sofa. Last night when I went to bed I put tin foil on the couch (which is really a stunning decorating choice. So shiny! You should try it!) which cats are supposed to hate, and about 10 minutes after I went to bed I heard him jump up on it and then THROW HIMSELF off of it like he was on fire. Ha. Then he went over and started clawing my grandmothers chair. Anyone want a cat? He's kind of an asshole.

On Saturday I went to the beach with Alex and paddled all around the water and had many YAY LIFE! sort of moments. Nothing does that to me like the ocean does. I was thinking about how someday with my three kids we will have to have a house on the ocean, and why didn't the psychic mention that? I have been robbed!

The rest of the weekend was cleaning around my new couch and basically being a shut in, which is okay by me. I threw a ton of crap away and I am always amazed because I can throw away four garbage bags of junk, including clothes, and then look around and I STILL HAVE SO MUCH CRAP. In one room! I can't ever move, it will be too scary.

In other news, I have a job interview sometime in the next few weeks for a job in a "much quieter office" (which is another thing the psychic said would happen, FYI) - so I am excited about that. I like parts of my job now but I will not miss the sense of entitlement some people have here. And all the crazies who come in off the street.

Last week this guy came in and got all pissed off when I couldn't tell him someone who was here "all day, every day" and then wanted me to select one of the thirty business cards to give him the "best person you have!" Honestly at this point I don't really think of anyone as the best, and I was like "I don't know, sir, you can come back tomorrow when someone is actually here!" and then he looked around and grabbed a card and said "I'll take this one. Because she has GLASSES! And I have GLASSES!!!"

Um, okay then. Whatever works for you, weirdo. 

Sense = sixth? Check.

Last night I went to a psychic. And I actually didn't go to her, I went to my friends house and she was there. It was prearranged and when the psychic called because she was kind of a little, well...LOST I got sort of nervous.

But when I walked in the room for my reading she looked at me and said "you're your own psychic, my dear" and I felt like Renee Squishyfacewegger all, "you had me at hello!" I have always felt a little bit psychic (and psycho! Yeah, that too!) and I have been told by others (a palm reader, etc, whatever) that I had those "tendencies". I wish I had the tendency to be able to fly around the room, but what can you do?

She told me a lot of true specific things (about the boy going on a "journey" and "something about home" and, hey!, he's going on a trip home tomorrow. How did she know that?) and some more vague things but she also told me I am going to move and change jobs. I should have asked WHEN exactly because, yes, odds are that at some point in the future I will both move AND have a different job. I certainly hope I won't live in my one room apartment with my cat forever more while working for a bunch of loonies.

After the psychic and moving comments the third thing she asked me was if I was married and she said she totally saw me married with children. Again, I should have asked for specifics! I need to plan! Towards the end of the reading she said she saw me with "three kids" and I have always wanted three so I guess that is okay. Although I also know three is a lot, so I guess I should get my sleep, drinking, and all manners of debauchery in now. I don't think I will have time for it after a few years.

So, now I guess I just sit back and wait for the changes to happen? I already got an email about the new job so I think I should be knocked up any day now! Yay!?

Sex booze bacon

Internet, I don't want to lie to you.

I am having a pretty fabulous summer. Really. It's true. And I am knocking wood while I am writing this because you just never know when the sky might fall, Chicken Little.

I don't have too much to write about because blah blah blah, happiness and that is fairly boring. Just like I don't want to wear you out with complaints, I wouldn't want to wear you out with joy and excitement either. Its a balancing act, all to keep you entertained. I know. You're welcome.

On Saturday I went to a barbecue and thought about how if you have been in a relationship for awhile you kind of have this weird moment when you realize "okay, worlds are melded!" and you know all the same people and people start saying things to you like "so, you've been around for awhile" or "we knew it was serious when..."

It's so funny how people see your relationship from the outside and lately all I hear is how we seem to get along so well and everything seems great and AGAIN, blah blah blah happiness! Then I kind of have to turn it around inside myself and think about how even though there are issues (everyone always has issues right?) that, yes, things are pretty good. Life is good. And here we are a year later and how did that happen?

Anyway.

At the party there was a discussion about what are the things in life that you just can't live without? What are your deadly important three? The person bringing it all up said he and his wife had decided it was "sex, booze, and bacon" so what were your three? I looked around at the other people there and in unison we all just kind of nodded and were all "um, I think it's sex booze and bacon?!" Then there talk about other things like the Internet, and books, and you know, CHEESE. I am still mulling it over but right now, sex booze and bacon sounds pretty damn delicious.

Damn, summer is just so much fun.

Brass in pocket

I had such a good birthday and now it is over and I am feeling a little sad. I always count down to it's arrival (because I am just that kind of girl) and then it is over so quickly, it doesn't seem fair.

On Saturday morning I walked on the beach with that boy of mine and felt very happy for everything that has happened to me thus far and where I am and how full my life feels right now. Aside from the whole job/career/money/life thing, things are pretty damn good. Please don't let any lightning bolts fall on my head now that I said that, thanks.

On my birthday I woke up to presents and put my feet in the ocean and everything was good with the world, aside from the fact that it was a little foggy. Moody weather is okay by me, I am a moody girl. We drove back towards home playing music and drinking coffee and when I got back to my house my neighbors made us cocktails and sang Happy Birthday to me on my patio while Elroy meowed in the background.

The party at my dad's was fun (although so hot, 2nd floor, no AC, everyone sweating together like one giant mass) and lots of people I love where there, blah blah blah happiness.

And now I am 30. Which seems so stange but you know, so far, so good. Everyone I know and love is basically older than me so now I am finally catching up. When I turned 20 years old standing in my dad's kitchen, I had no idea what would happen or who I would meet. 10 years later I was standing in his kitchen again with a bunch of people I have met,  bonded with, and fallen in love with and I think I did pretty fucking well by my twenties.

Now, I'm just so excited for whatever happens next.

There it goes.

I am getting very very excited for my birthday weekend. Here is my agenda so far. Thursday night, go downtown and maybe pick up a few things at my very favorite store and maybe get a new phone. Ooo, exciting. I have had the same phone for over two years! I am bored of it!

Friday AM I will sleep in, walk to my favorite coffee place to get my iced coffee and maybe talk a walk around my lovely neighborhood. THEN this boy I like will pick me up and we will drive two hours to our fabulous hotel on the ocean. Yes, it is OURS. That is right. Friday night will be lounging by the pool and seeing a movie in the hotel movie theater. With free popcorn! Saturday we'll go to the ocean (maybe the National Sea Shore) and into town where I am determined to buy myself some new jewelry and maybe get a new tattoo! Crazy!

Sunday I will get to wake up by the ocean and I will be THIRTY YEARS OLD. I have already started saying things about "when I was in my twenties". Like, "back in my twenties I used to smoke sometimes" or "back in my twenties I was thinner!" and "back in my twenties I killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die". You get the idea.

On Sunday night my nice dad will host a birthday dinner for me at his house with some of my favorite people and also pizza and beer, other favorites. Oh, and margaritas of course. What are you doing? Do you want to come?

Needless to say I am excited and I hope it doesn't go by too fast. I am trying to think about all that happened when I was 29 and what I will remember it for. I met some very cool people and learned more and more about Being In A Relationship and what that means to me. I think I grew up some more. I hope I was a good friend and that everyone I love knows I love them. I am pretty sure they do, since that is the most important thing to me. I want to believe that people care as much as I do about other people, but I know sometimes they don't. You can't always get the best of someone or even expect them to be kind, but I still hope they will be. I try not to be get my feelings hurt when they aren't. I hope we are all just doing things the best we know how, and to sound totally and completely twee - treating others the way we would like to be treated.

I don't think I have learned ONE GREAT LESSON during my 29th year but more likely solidified the things I already believed. I am a blessed girl, I know, and I am happy to be where I am. I can't really ask for more than that.

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Unrelated to anything, I seem to have a bunch of standard Vox invites now. It's so fun over there. So, if you want one, let me know. And add me as a friend!

"You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse..."

Thursday was three years since my grandmother died and I have been thinking about her a lot. Her death was very sad (as most are, I suppose) and I haven't really written about it before because it is still sad. But I guess it will always be sad. And I realize that I don't need to write about her death, I could write about her life, but now when I think of her I think about the last few weeks she was here and that is what I remember. That is what is the closest to me now. Maybe it won't always be that way because I know memory shifts and things that were farther away can move towards you and the bad things can drift and so on.

I think we did good things for her in those last few weeks though, and it wasn't all sad. When I came in to her little apartment, she was there in the middle of the room and everyone was moving around her. She made me stand on a chair so she could see my WHOLE dress from her place on the bed.

She asked me about boys and I told her there was one but I didn't know what would happen. That it was all so complicated. And now it is better and I wonder if she knows.

One day she woke up talking about "fluffy white cake" and my aunt and I went out and found some. My aunt told me, "I think she should be able to have what she wants now, don't you?" and fluffy white cake was something we could find, easily. My gramma had a bite and deemed it "wonderful". It was the last thing she ate.

My gramma had four kids, seven grandkids, and so many friends. She had style. She always wore a hat and shoes that matched and had a million purses, so much jewelry and way too many clothes. My mom says I get all of that from her. She worried about people she loved and she thought about things, a lot. I know I get that from her too.

I wonder where she is. And I miss her.

Not really anything of substance here.

I am actually in a coffee shop WRITING ON MY BLOG. Good lord, I am a person I hate. But my stupid wireless connection doesn't want to work from home and how can I express myself if not in words on a computer screen to total strangers? Oh, that's right, I CAN'T.

So, have you mentally prepared yourself?? Tomorrow is ONE WEEK TO THIRTY! Again, I am a Person I Hate, counting down to their own birthday. But you know what one week means? Well, it means tomorrow is also the very start of My Birthday Week! I love The Birthday Week. This was last years, and it was pretty great. I only have the very best hopes for this years. On Friday I will hit the road and on my actual birthday I will wake up next to the ocean with someone I like the best, so obviously it is already a pretty good time.

And it has to be better than the week that just passed when I was so busy I almost died and on top of that I got a terrible cold and WANTED to die. Who gets a cold in JULY?? Apparently, I do. Yuck. I had all kinds of drugs and all kinds of sleep (going to bed at 8:30 every night like I was 7 years old) and barely talked to or saw anyone. I was in my own personal END OF 29 Exile!

On the last day that I was 19, I got my first tattoo and now I haven't gotten a tattoo since 2000, which is A LONG TIME. I think I will be getting something very soon. I will keep you in suspense though because I am evil! And also because I am not entirely sure what I am going to get!

I am A Woman Of Mystery. Yeah, that's right.

Because summer has the most sun.

Last night I had dinner at one of my coworkers houses and it was great fun. She is one of the few I actually like and we mused on many things including favorites such as drinking and romance.

And also people at work who we hate like this one couple of bitchy ass women who are so fakely nice, it makes me want to turn my skin inside out. Sarah (yes, Sarah. I clearly have to know many Sarah's at once and I am going to write a Kids in the Hall style song called "These are the Sarahs I know") regaled me with a story about how she heard one of the women fighting with the other on the phone and she literally said "I don't have time for this, CANDICE. Save it for your journal!" and then she HUNG UP ON HER. They are really the most pleasant people you will never meet. Lucky you.

We also mused over the fact that our respective dates bonded in about five minutes of meeting, apparently over Omaha steaks and Bob Dylan. Aw, boys.

Sarah is great because she is warm while also being sarcastic and that is just my favorite combination. Also because she is 8 months pregnant and every time the baby moves she lets me feel her belly and get weirded out. At one point I had a key in my hand and thought we could pop that baby out so we could meet him/her and see what they were about. She was all for it but no one had any boiling water, so oh well, maybe another time.

We left somewhat drunkenly around midnight and came home and I wasn't asleep until after 2:30 (use your imaginations, or if you are my mom, maybe don't) and this morning I was awake at 8 wondering where the time had gone.

Tonight there is a party and I can't decide if I want to go but then I just realized that I will be 30 in two weeks and so maybe I should be as drunk as possible for the next 14 days. I think my twenties should go out with a bang, don't you?

Even if it kills me.

To sleep perchance to dream.

Wow. My body hurts. I don't know what my issue is, I think I might need a new mattress. Did I mention my mattress squeaks? A whole bunch? And it is DRIVING ME INSANE? Do you think that if I sprayed the whole box spring with WD-40 that it would stop squeaking? Would that work? Is it even worth trying? Ugh. I am so sleepy.

In, YAY OH HAPPY LIFE news, I made my birthday trip reservation. I am going here! With this person I like a lot! And we will swim in the ocean and walk around and maybe go in the pool and watch movies because the hotel has a movie theater! I cannot wait. I wish it was tomorrow. But I am also happy to have something to look forward to. My birthday (yes, did you know my birthday is coming up??) is on a Sunday so I took Friday and Monday off from work because I am smart and that is just how I roll. No one should EVER work nn their birthdays. It should be against the law!

I also bought myself a new beautiful bag and new percale polkadot sheets. Nothing is happier than new sheets! They are the best.

So I am will put them on my squeaky bed and then I will lie there. Very very still.

No common thread here, just Sunday chatter.

Today was my first trip to the ocean and that was lovely. I can't think of many things that make me happier than bobbing around in the water on a hot sunny day. I am but a simple girl.

I am starting to hate my job and as tomorrow morning ticks closer I wish I could call in sick. Or never go back. On Friday I walked home at lunch (partly in tears which was great) and laid on my bed and thought about not getting up and walking back there. I miss cubicle life. I miss being alone and doing my own thing and working on my own time. I got spoiled but I am good at being spoiled. Being the front desk person is completely sucking the life out of me and by the end of the day I don't want to talk to my friends or my family or my boy or even the cat. This is a problem. I think my life span as The Front Desk Girl may be about three months.

Riding home today I was thinking about relationships (as I often do) and my favorite things about them. Aside from the basics of not being alone and the whole touching thing, I think I just like the KNOWLEDGE. The fact that you know someone so well, and the fact that everyday is something new and you are learning more and building on this foundation you already have. Our foundation is seven years old and it is constantly surprising me, every day, every minute. It's weird and crazy and fun, and it's just one great thing in my life.

I was bored yesterday so I made another video! This time its a tour of my fridge! WHAT COULD BE BETTER, you say? Why HARDLY ANYTHING, I reply! You know what to do, if you dare.

An uneasy peace

I had a dream that my nose was bleeding and it wouldn't stop and when I woke up I felt like crying. I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I might have some sort of weird Birthday Blues, even though my birthday is a month away and usually I am pretty excited about it. A day of me! What is wrong with that? I don't feel bad about getting older, I mean it happens. LIke Sarah said, other than the inevitable death that comes at the end of aging, what is the big deal? Most days I feel 12 anyway. I won't miss my 20's because they were hard and complicated and who misses their twenties? I feel like I just keep becoming more myself (how Hallmark of me) and that is not a bad thing to be.

Some things are bothering me though, and they are on my mind. It is really hard for me to talk sometimes or to BRING UP conflict, I don't know where to begin or how to do it RIGHT and I am always scared of the reactions. Mine, theirs, anyone elses, whatever.

I also don't want to rock the boat just for the sake of rocking it and I don't know if that is what I would be doing. How much does something need to bother you before it is a BIG DEAL? How much should it be knawing at your insides before you make another person aware of it? How much should I smile through it and just hope it goes away? I don't want to set some precident for myself of not speaking up, but I don't know where to start. I don't know what to say.

Otherwise, last night I had margaritas on my patio with two of my friends. So, yeah, things could always be worse. I also played with my camera and noted that my freckles are starting to reappear. Ah, summer sun damage. How we love you.

So, if nothing else, there's that.

Monday and stuff

My day was long and sort of boring and work kind of lost all the excitement it had, which was hardly any since you;re wondering. One good thing was that someone brought in brownies but that ended up being not so good since OH MY GOD I COULD NOT STOP EATING THE BROWNIES.

I was also looking for someone to chat to on Instant Messager and no one was around. Where the hell where you?? Thank god I had two lovely Sarahs to entertain me on email for awhile. Even while they were trying to actually, you know, work and stuff.

Now I am reading the new InStyle and polishing my nails and because I was still kind of bored I made yet another video of Elroy (click for link) which is apparently all I do now. In this one he eats a nailfile! And I laugh at him a whole bunch! I'm a crazy cat lady! Good times.