pretty crabby

Buddy love.

Happy Birthday to my buddy!, originally uploaded by emilym.

Everyone always has that one pet who is the best pet who they remember forever.

I have had a lot of cats in my life and they were all great and I loved them all but Elroy is by far the best.

When I went to the shelter to find a cat, there were so many that were friendly and all up in my grill wanting pets and love.

Elroy lived in the office, he didn't like other cats. The woman there said, "he bites." I sat down next to him and he looked at me with this expression that said "yeah?" I petted his head, then he gave me another less friendly look. I stopped petting him. The woman said, OH YOU UNDERSTAND CATS. Well. Yeah. And I understand MOODS.

Elroy was the cat for me.

He is cranky and sometimes for no reason he will swat your leg. Most times, he just wants to come up and give you a head butt. He purrs louder than any other cat. He lies on his back with all four feet in the air. He only wants to play with his stuffed piggy. I find it on my bed, in my bag, under the rug. He loves to lie next to me and he loves "buddy hugs" from the dude.

He is the best cat ever. Happy Birthday, Elroy!*

*also known as Badcat, Bitey, Fattie, Fatapotomus, Bunny, You With The Face, Hey You! and mostly Buddy.

My buddy.

Whiskers, originally uploaded by emilym.

Elroy is the best cat ever. You know how you have that one pet that you will always look back on as being the best? I know Elroy is that cat for me.

Right now he is licking his fur off again. I have tried every home remedy I can think of. So, now he gets to go the vet. Which he will hate. Also, have you tried carrying an 18lb cat in a carrier? Yeah. It's interesting.

I have a drs appt on Wednesday which will cost me $10. Elroy's will cost at least $80. It drives me crazy how much our love for our pets is taken advantage of. But I would pay much more for Elroy. He's the best buddy I know.

A post about my cat. You've been warned.

Oh my god, you guys? Seriously? Last night I was in hell.

Remember that other time Elroy got the matts??? Well. They are back. And they are angry.

I am not entirely sure what causes them. Is it because he is so fat that he can't maintain his own ass? What is going on there? Whenever he tries to um, access, his hind quarters he kind of falls over on one side. It is pretty funny actually. It is very Weeble-esque.

On Tuesday night I noticed that the matt was growing in size. It was large and well, to be quite honest, it was stinky. I know, SO GROSS RIGHT?! And if it was easy to simply SOLVE I would just go ahead and do it. But it is not easy. It is the very opposite of easy.

Last night when I came home I saw immediately that he couldn't even really sit down (I know, you are calling the ASPCA right now, right?) and so I did what any rational person would do.

First, I swore. This was not the first thing I wanted to do on a Thursday night believe you me! But then I gathered him up and PUT HIM IN THE SINK. All 17.5lbs of him. Then I sprayed the hose on his ass. You can imagine how PLEASED this made him!! I even squirted some soap on him and tried to sort of clean things up. It didn't really work. I rinsed him off and let him jump out of the sink. He went and furiously tried to clean himself off in the corner (weeble!) and then he stormed over to another spot and tried again (wobble!).  I cleaned up the series of puddles and grabbed the buzzers and then we got serious.

Okay. It was gross. I will spare you all the details but please picture (if you will) me in a black shirt and skirt, all wet with cat hair and soapy water, holding my cat with one hand, trying to grasp his tail between my knees (not THAT way) and trying to SHAVE HIS ASS with the other hand. ONE HANDED. I am totally joining the circus, you guys!

Also, please imagine the noise coming out of my cat which sounds something like RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLGRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

Yeah, it is super good times!

Anyway. I think I solved MOST of the problem. To be honest, there are two very small matts left and I think one might be his tiny cat penis. I don't want to shave that off.

If you would like to know the moral of the story here it is: do not get a 17 pound long haired cat who cannot groom his own ass. I got the last good one.

Countdown

I know no one cares but, hey, MY BIRTHDAY IS LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY! The Big 3-0! Woo! I'm such a brat. And I don't care!!

Today I got to make my birthday trip reservation. We are going to the beach! And a semi-fancy hotel with a pool and a bar! Maybe we'll even break open the mini-bar, cause what the hell, let's go crazy! I also got new sheets and a nice new bag. The spoiling has begun. Can you hear my evil laughter from where you are?

I also decided today that I hate my job. Really hate it. And when my boss was saying something about how I should learn this new thing I was thinking about how I just want to leave. God, I'm fickle.

Lastly, I know I am biased and I clearly think he is funnier than he probably really is, but this video of Elroy is priceless. He flies! He falls over! He gets embarrassed! It's already a classic. (sorry about the annoying woman who keeps saying "are you flying? ARE YOU FLYING?")

Elroy can fly on Vimeo

"Hey, you with the face!"

Please note the purring at the end. Also, no clue why I am so obsessed with him "eating the umbrella". I'm a dork.

Maybe it's because I'm an only child of divorce?

Observation:

When Elroy pushes on the screen door to try and go out, I don't say "no" or "stop it" or "stay inside".

I say: "DON'T LEAVE!"

My boy, Elroy. Etc.

Thanks to everyone for their nice comments and emails about Elroy. Especially fabulous Cait and the super funny Brian Byrne. You guys are the best. Party at my house with chips and dip and margaritas! Henry Guy and the cats (and of course the WIFE! And Allen!) are invited!

Anyway. Elroy seems both better and kind of worse. It's so weird. He seems EMOTIONALLY better. The other night he slept on my pillow and took up half the bed (what is up with cats who sleep HORIZONTAL while everyone else is clearly VERTICAL? I know, he's all "I SHALL TAKE UP AS MUCH OF THE BED AS KITTILY POSSIBLE! Mwahahah!")and ate treats and played with a catnip mouse, he seemed much more like himself. But last night he spent 30 minutes madly licking and then I dosed him with some Valerian root, and then he licked some more. The SOUND of it is driving me crazy. My mom said "maybe it is time to take him to the vet" and I KNOW I need to. This is going to be no fun for either of us. And it's easy to procrastinate when he is eating and pooping (sorry. I know. This has turned into a Kitty Blog and I apologize) and being his general cranky/mush head self. I think the only real symptom of his ISSUE (whatever that may be) is the fact that he is licking his rear quarter bald. LOVELY!

Happy Weekend! Bye!

My poor little thing

Yesterday I came home and noticed that Elroy looked weird. Yeah, weirder than normal.

On Monday when we came back from the weekend away I noticed that I could see more of his pink belly than I usually could. Or at least, I THOUGHT SO. I mean, it's hard to tell. He likes to lie on his back, all sprawled out with his legs in the air, it must feel good on his no balls. And usually all you see is white kitty underbelly. Which you absolutely should not touch. He looks like he is saying "Hey! Pet my belly!" HE IS NOT SAYING THAT.

So, instead of all the normal white fur everywhere, I saw pink. Pink kitty belly skin. I thought, 'hmm, that's weird.' but I also thought maybe I just hadn't paid super close attention before. Cause, you know, I'm self absorbed and stuff.

Anyway. Yesterday I got home and for some reason I noticed more belly than normal. And a little more naked hind leg quarter as well (which makes him sound like dinner. Mmm, hind quarter! Don't mind if I do!). And then I noticed a BIG BALD SPOT right on his back. About the size of a half dollar. But, THAT WAS SKIN, baby. No doubt about it.

I immediately typed in "kitty bald spots" on Google and spent a half hour reading all the possible things that could be wrong with him. Among them, kitty leukima, ring worm, and some kind of mental disorder. All wonderful possibilities! Finally I found this article which mentioned that cats who have high anxiety and are prone to stress will often overgroom in times of change.

Anyway. I spent all night petting him and letting him sleep on the bed. He was the little spoon and I whispered in his kitty ear and told him he is just not allowed to be sick.

He's a good boy.

I love him.

Meow.

Elroy sums up the weekend with panties on his head.

My cat knows how to party. (of course, he LOOKS very serious at the same time. I think he's thinking "OH, THE INDIGNITIES I PUT UP WITH.")

Live from Elroy.

Jen says Elroy should write a post so I pried him off the rug to tell you all what he is up to. Maybe tomorrow I will write about the Red Sox game I went to last night with Al, all impromptu and shit. I saw Stephen King there! He was wearing a shirt which said "I love when you call me Big Poppa". I think it was a David Ortiz reference. But still? Ew. I kind of wanted to yell out "I think you are a crappy writer!" but he seems nice enough (if not weird and small) so I didn't. Anyway. Here's Elroy.

Hola, HI! It's me, Elroy.

It is so hot today I just have to lay around and zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...sorry, I dozed off again. I don't know WHAT is making me so sleepy...maybe all the sleeping??

Bob left some dirty socks here, so I've been rolling around on them. Mom thinks that is pretty gross, but what can I say? I love some good body order, y'all. Bob calls me "Elroy dude" and he thinks I might scratch him on the ass sometime. I would like to say he's wrong, but he's kind of right. He should watch it, let me tell you. Dirty socks or not, I can't just be won over. It took Mom six months to truly believe I wasn't going to rip her face off. And even then, her friend Sarah picked me up and I decided to box her on the ears. HA! Man, that was kind of funny. Mom was horrified. Oh well. She still fed me the next day, so no harm no foul, right? RIGHT.

Anyway. Wow. I said a lot. And zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I'm kind of tired again. There is an old Entertainment Weekly on the floor, so I think I'll go lay on that for awhile. Or maybe I'll stare at my food dishes some more. Sometimes when I do that she gets the hint and puts food in there.

When she's not cleaning up my shit. Ha. I rule this fucking place.

Later.

What is the point of having a cat if you can't put things on their heads and then take pictures of them?

That you will later post on the Internet.

(I'm so mean! I took it off right after. I swear!)

Teddy Bear Stare

Ever since we shaved Elroy, he has been madly and completely IN LOVE WITH ME. Right now, for example, I am attempting to type and as he is sitting on my thigh, so my arm is partially obstructed and I can barely type. He is sniffing and rubbing my hand, and purring so loud he's shaking my elbow. I mean, if closeness is love - WE ARE MARRIED.

I can't tell if he loves the iBook, or hates it. Earlier today I was typing in what I believe he thinks is his chair, when he decided to crawl in my lap. Maybe I should back up because he NEVER sits in my lap. But today, my lap was his Holy Grail and he NEEDED to get there. Like, yesterday. So I balanced the iBook on one knee, kind of off to the side, while he sat (just SAT) on my lap. Staring in my face with The Eyes of Love. It's as if he was the only child but then this THING, this computer came into the picture and he's been pushed aside. Except he hasn't, he's still right here. He just wants to be IN CHARGE.

It reminds me of when I went on vacation last summer. My dad was feeding Elroy while I was away and visiting with him every day, but admittedly he didn't have the same excessive attention (also known as "torture") that he has when I am here. I am not exactly sure when he did it, but since my dad claims to have not noticed it must have been a day before I came home. What he did he do, you ask? He shit. ON MY BED.

And not just ON MY BED but RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE, up towards the pillows where I sleep every night. I think that is pretty fucking smart. I mean, yes, it is also very fucking gross. But for him to think, in his little kitty brain, "I could poop THERE. In that place that she LOVES." and then do it. I mean, that is CALCULATING and shows a level of malice that this cat has, and honestly, I couldn't really be that mad. I was honestly sort of impressed. Yes, it's totally gross and I was HORRIFIED but I wasn't completely pissed. He missed me - and he was mad - and I kind of understand that.

Anyway, I get back at him by shaving his ass. And his whole hind quarter (isn't that what you say about cows? Hind quarter?) is all fuzzy. He's like a little teddy bear! A teddy bear butt! I love to put my hand on his back now when I am petting him. It's so soft! He hates it. He gets this pissed face, and whips his head around as if to say "STOP TOUCHING ME THERE!" I love it so much I kind of want to shave him all over.

Would that be wrong?

Bald ass cat

Ack! You balded me!

Is this the way out of this hell?

(also, please note that the weird white patch is his skin. Poor thing!)

Don't take my picture, bitch!

He bites me because he loves me.

Success! We shaved Elroy!

He is currently sitting in a chair looking offended, violated, and PISSED OFF. Oh, and his ass is bald baldy BALD.

If you're nice, maybe later I'll post pictures.

My kitty mommy name has been SLIGHTLY restored. You may rest easy tonight.

Thick like thieves.

My dad just came over so we could attempt to get rid of Elroy's matts. His whole rear half is hard and matted, and he is very uncooperative about letting me try to cut them or brush them in any small way. You think I'M crabby? You should meet my fucking cat. He's kind of a prickly asshole, but I love him.

My dad brought his human hair buzzers which SHOCKINGLY do not work for a cat. We didn't know. We were naive in thinking we could buzz through these matts of cement with weak girly man buzzers. We need industrial strength POLAR BEAR buzzers to get through this shit. OY. Basically the ten minute process involved trying everything I have here remotely resembling a blade to try and clean him up in any small way. We were only one step away from breaking out a butter knife or a box cutter and trying that. But we didn't (so don't email me). We took him down off the Table of Doom and he went around angrily flipping his tail with his back to us and licking his offended back side. As much as he can anyway. Did I mention he's so big that when he tries to lick his non-balls he ROLLS OVER BACKWARDS because he can't hold himself up?

It's funny cause it's sad.

My poor kitty!

I feel like a horrible kitty mommy, he's matted and crabby and he wants to kick some ass! Yet he can't reach his own ass! It's all very ironic and complicated.

But, I guess we still love each other. When he finally decided things were okay, he came and sat next to me and purred all over while he shoved his face in mine.

He's really a softie at heart.