pretty crabby

Embarrassment

Age 10: I decide I want to try trimming my eyebrows. For some reason I think this would be best accomplished with a razor. I SHAVE half of one eyebrow off. IN PATCHES. Then I go to school and tell my friends that my dad was cutting my hair and "he slipped". AND SHAVED OFF YOUR EYEBROW? my friends confused expressions seem to say. I grin and bare it and wait for my eyebrow to grow back.

Age 16: My crush and I are standing next to the cabin at camp. He puts his arm up next to my head and leans in and my brain is like OH MY GOD super loud inside my head. Then suddenly the kids on the bus are calling my name. I'm late. I push past him and RUN AWAY. Oh... sad. We never really recover from that.

Age 21: I go to take an basic introductory modern dance class (which, let's be honest, is pretty embarrassing on its own). I get there five minutes late and see everyone inside the class already working on a routine. I run inside, join the group in the back,  and jump in and try to dance along. It is less than graceful or coordinated. The teacher stops and looks at me and says "the next class starts in five minutes".

Age 26: I am at my temp job for the fourth straight week and I am totally bored. I spend most of the day emailing back and forth with my friend about our dating woes. One particular email laments the fact that "I don't even remember what sex is like," and goes on from there. Somehow I very cleverly manage to SEND THIS TO MY BOSS.

Yeah. Just... yeah.

It's not you, it's me.

I've been really upset. Sometimes I get so angry I start crying. Sometimes I get so sad I start crying. Sometimes, I just cry.

What is making me the saddest is that I really cared about my job. It would be easy to say "screw you guys!" if I hated it there. Or "I'll find something better!" if it wasn't something I really liked. I feel like I made the mistake of believing nothing truly shitty would happen there because everyone was really kind and everyone was truly someone I liked and enjoyed working with. I feel like the lesson is "even if you like them, even if they are really cool, they can still screw you over. Always watch your back." That seems like a crappy lesson to learn but maybe it is one I needed to learn?

Not to mention the whole part about having no warning and no time to prepare emotionally... or financially. Luckily I have a bit of a cushion if only because I got paid three days after my job ended. In two weeks I will get one more small paycheck so at least I can, like, buy groceries and shit.

But man. I am just so angry. My dad said I couldn't think that way. I can't think about how bad they said they feel while they still sit there collecting paychecks. It is easy to be upset with my boss for not saying ONE WORD to me especially during our last meeting when I talked about the things I was working on for him. He clearly saw I was not packing my stuff. I did not know that would be our last meeting, even though he did. But there are things I do not know about corporate confidentiality, maybe they thought I would steal vital information if I knew I was leaving? I just don't know. Could they not have security come up and watch me while I pack my bags? It seems like a really lame way to treat someone. That much I do know.

So. I have some interviews this week. I hope they go well. I am just trying to be upbeat. To remind myself that bigger and better things will come, they always do. It's just a job... I am healthy. My family is healthy. Everyone I love is good, I have a place to live, and everything is OK. Or it will be. This is just another opportunity for good things to fall into place.

I will keep moving forward. I will keep my chin up.

I will keep ordering the big girl drinks.

Birthday Week

Hello and welcome to my birthday week! 

Lately a few people have told me "oh, I am not into my birthday" or "don't bring me any presents". Um, I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT. Do you hate your life? Are you unhappy about things? If the answer is NO then I think there is no reason you should hate your birthday or not accept presents. It's your BIRTHDAY. It is one day a year and it is about you. People love you! They want to be with you and celebrate YOU! We need to except these kind of things and absorb them. It is like some kind of weird thing where people don't accept compliments. EXCEPT THE GOOD THINGS PEOPLE WANT TO GIVE YOU. That is what life is about. 

This year I am 33. (I also will always happily accept my age. Which of course is easy for me to say NOW I know, but hey, this is what thirty three looks like. I have worked hard every one of my years and damn straight, I am going to say how old I am and enjoy it). So, that's kind of weird. I mean wasn't I 17 like JUST THE OTHER DAY. Although, I don't remember what I did on my 17th birthday. Or my 18th. On my 19th we had a party but my cat had just been run over and on my 20th I got a tattoo... but ANYWAY some of those other birthdays have been lost along the way. I killed those brain cells. Thanks, Vodka!

Like I was saying, today starts my Birthday Week. We should all have a whole week in which we do things we want to do. I mean, being a single person with no kids I basically do that anyway but during My Birthday Week I try to do something SPECIAL every day. So far I have planned a pedicure, going to the movies with a friend, maybe getting a massage and/or a haircut, going to my two favorite restaurants in Boston, going to Sephora and buying needless lipgloss, and having a birthday party. Oh, I also go to Starbucks every day and don't think too much about the $5 they want for a latte. It's My Birthday Week! Money is no object! (kind of). 

Anyway, even if it is not your Birthday Week you should go do something nice for yourself. Life is short, we have to make this shit count. 

Babies, death, houses. etc etc.

I am resorting to list form again. It's one of those days. Here's why...

1. Everyone I know is pregnant. Are you pregnant? I wouldn't be surprised. Anyone I know who is not pregnant has a baby already. EVERYONE I KNOW! I saw a very cute baby bouncing in his seat when I went out to dinner with my friend last week and his parents were ignoring him. People are so jaded about babies they are just ignoring them outright! If I had that bouncy baby I would not be so quick to ignore him. Also, he is already pushed out and born and everything... I should have just grabbed him.   
2. Speaking of babies, Lovely Eden and Alice launched a new site this week, Let's Panic about Babies! This is so timely since like I said EVERYONE ON EARTH HAS or is having A BABY.   
3. Today my grandparents house sold. It has been on the market since my grampa died last year. I was reading the emails being sent back and forth between my dad and his siblings and I was suddenly crying at my desk. My entire life my grandparents lived in that house. I remember getting up mornings there and coming downstairs to find my gramma in her apron, telling me to have something to eat. It feels like they should still be there in that kitchen, having coffee and sitting at the table. I keep thinking of them there, even though they are not. I don't know where they are, and that just makes me really sad. 
4. I wish I had an office I could go cry in. It is not really conducive to be crying in a cubicle. And how can I get up and go to the bathroom when I would have to pass at least five offices and four more cubes on my way there. Oh, hi! I'm just crying! No big deal! So I sat at my desk and cried for 10 minutes (with my back to the "door" which is not really a DOOR but an "opening to the hall way in which anyone can see me") until I could get my shit together. Oy. 
5. Earlier this week my flickr account expired and I haven't renewed it because no one looks at or comments on my flickr anymore. Yet, I have four years worth of pictures there and since my account has expired I can't access them. So I feel forced to renew. Yahoo (flicks annoying partner) sucks and I don't want to, but they are holding me prisoner with four years worth of photos of my cat.  
6. Speaking of Yahoo... this week I was sending a mass email to my friends (you're welcome!) and I noticed that a few friends still have AOL email accounts. Wow. Really? What year is this? I mean, you know you can get a Gmail or Yahoo account FOR FREE now, right? And everyone gets confused by the Gmail interface (I know, I know) but it's just LABELS versus FOLDERS and it is not that challenging or difficult. Yahoo is sucky but again, I am forced to keep my ancient email account because of flickr and also a tiny bit because of nostalgia. I have had that email for 10 years! Maybe I need that ancient password to eOnline or those emails about my cell phone from AT&T in 1999! I mean, you never know.   
7. It's almost time for lunch and think I will get a salad from our cafeteria. A few weeks ago there was a salad bar scandal when all the regular IN THE BIN style dressings vanished and these Kraft dressing bottles appeared and there was nothing comparable to my regular "Low Fat Balsamic", the only one close was "Low Fat Raspberry Vinaigrette" which tasted like cherry flavored plastic. It was especially annoying because there were the stickers which appeared on the glass above the salad instructing me on how to make creations like "Blue Cheese Turkey Salad!" and listing all the ingredients. Seriously, leave me alone, bossy salad bar! I know what I am doing! These were there for about 10 days until I guess many angry office workers complained and the stickers disappeared and the silver bins returned. Oh, nameless Balsamic, I love you most of all.         

With that rant I am off. Until we meet again.   

And they call me warrior?

Beware if you click this link, it's fucking loud. Turn your speakers down first. And hide your vagina from view.

This was one of the preview things when we went to see I LOVE YOU MAN (which was very funny by the way. Love you P Rudd. Call me!) this weekend. What the fuck is going on in this... commercial? Video? Promotional thing? I don't even know.

First there are some soldiers and they are bringing peace to a war zone of some kind. They help kids! They don't run them over with their tanks in the street! They hand them their BALLS! They are so kind and generous! The kids love them!

And then Kid Rock sings for a bit. Or rather screams his fool head off.

Then Dale Earnheart Jr. is driving a race car. Then there are more soldiers. Then Kid Rock screams and soldiers are moshing and cars zip by and I am overstimulated not in a good way and WHAT IS HAPPENING OH MY I AM A LITTLE SCARED.

After the preview was over I turned to Bob and said, I think that was sponsored by penises! It makes me want to go out and drive fast and shoot things! Hoo boy! Or maybe I will just hide for awhile and ask someone to stroke my hair until I fall asleep.

America, you still kind of scare me.

Pssst.

My other site,tallulah blue, is now on twitter. Or rather, I am on twitter again some more only now I am telling you what to buy. And not just complaining like usual.

Follow me if you like!

On second thought maybe I should have my own tiara.

Sometimes I wish I could unroll my brain (picturing it like a roll of wrapping paper full of paperclips and fuzz balls) and scrub it down. There are too many things clogging the gears like our humidifier which gave up this morning and just started letting the water leak onto the floor.

I probably shouldn't be watching Lost, I don't think that helps. On top of my own family dramas and work dramas I have this weird other drama in my head and OH MY GOD WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THEM ALL?! Then I remember it is a TV show and I try not to read Lostpedia online all day long. Eh.

Things seem to be bothering me more than they might usually so maybe if I write them down, it will help.

Firstly, people.

Mainly people on the train. WHY IS EVERYONE SO RUDE IN TRANSIT? It is like they don't care because they aren't actually anywhere that matters. They have left their home where the people there presumably love them even though they are ASSHOLES (at least in transit!) and they are not yet to work where people pay them (for being assholes) so they feel free to let their asshole flag fly* while riding the train and walking to and from the train. WHAT IS SO COMPLICATED about letting people get off the train before you get on?? WHAT? I do not get it. I have become a transit asshole myself by yelling at these people. Now I am a screaming banshee on the train, yelling "LET US OFF FIRST!" as they push past me. Also, people who wear their fucking backpacks on the train when it is crowded and then proceed to hit people (namely ME) in the head with it. Take it off! Put it on the floor! I don't believe you arrived on earth yesterday. It is not so hard. Yesterday there was a guy on the train with a ski lift pass on his jacket from 2007. What is that about? Was that a truly remarkable ski trip in which he first used his legs again after being paralyzed? Did he almost ski into a tree? Did he get a hand job on the lift? Unless something truly awesome happened, Ski Lift Guy, it is time to let that go. Even then, he could possibly REMOVE it from his jacket and put it in a drawer or something. I don't know why that annoyed me so much, it might have been because a backpack was knocking me unconscious at the time and that was the last thing I saw before I blacked out.

Secondly, TV.

Man, TV, you really suck lately. I know, you have probably sucked for awhile but there is NOTHING ON these days. Aside from Lost which mainly just confuses me. The other week I actually found myself watching Ghost Whisperer. I know. Trust me, I KNOW. And it was this episode which was totally weird and I have already bored everyone in my life with the story so now I have to bore you (you're welcome!). 

So, the Ghost Whisperer is J-Love Hewitt and I can never decide if I hate her or I am weirdly fascinated with her (as an aside did you see that on her recent birthday she went to Tiffany's in a freaking tiara and ball gown for breakfast with her "friends"? Except in the picture she was the only one there and I thought it was sort of sad and also COMPLETELY CRAZY) and ANYWAY in the episode her husband had just been shot and killed and they were at his funeral. It's all sad and crap and his friend/boss/whatever (who is notably Biff from the Back to the Future films) gets up to give the eulogy. So he starts talking about "Jim" (are there any people in their thirties named Jim?) and how you know, he could be sad and play a sad song (at this he takes out his iPod) or he could play a rock song because "Jim liked to rock." (eesh) So then. THEN! Biff grabs J-Love's friend and makes her dance with him. Then everyone slowly starts getting up to dance. Because it is a funeral and that is what you do? And because JLove has been so sad, she has not been able to see him (you know, she sees dead people) through her grief. So she is dancing (badly) and clutching a photo of him to her heart and then through the crowd of horribly dancing white people, she suddenly sees him there. Then they start dancing together and HOLY GOD it was so stupid. The best part was that as they pan out, she is dancing ALONE but with her arms up in the air (because no one else can see him) and everyone just keeps dancing. Brilliant! Yet, I was watching it. I actually watched the whole show (including the end where he jumped into someone elses dead body and then GOT AMNESIA) a couple times. Thankfully I have come to my senses since then. I was actually telling Brian Byrne about this on IM one day and then I actually found a clip of it on You Tube (yay for You Tube). Beware, it is ridiculous.

Alright. This is long. I have a lot of grievances. Luckily I am going on vacation soon, I should cheer up. But it is not like my blog is called PRETTY HAPPY so whatever, deal with it!

*Note, I also hate the phrase "let your freak flag fly". What the fuck is that?? Why are we saying it? I hate it, let's agree to stop. It is almost as annoying as the nicknames we keep giving people. Octomom?!? SHUT UP, America! Ugh!

My 25 Things

Have we all done this yet?

1. I have moved more than 19 times. The longest I lived anywhere was 6 years.
2. I didn't get my license until I was 21 and I didn't have any desire to do it. I was also a fairly tame kid (see #3) and stayed at home a lot growing up. I think I made up for some of this when I was 22-25.
3. I have only ever done one drug (guess which one!)
4. I skipped school when I was 11 with my friend and ran away from home. The cops were called, it was a big deal. I finally decided to go home at about 7PM that night.
5. I once tried to rescue a bunny my cat attacked. It died anyway. I have also recued a dog on the side of the road and various small creatures.
6. Possibly related I can not deal with seeing ANY movie where any animal dies. Can't handle it, don't ask me, I will not watch it.
7. The smartest thing I ever did was move from California to Boston in 1998. The second smartest thing I ever do may be moving back there someday.
8. I love to take trips on my own. The last big one I took was to London in 2003.
9. I loooove London. It is my favorite city.
10. Following a certain person around for a year totally changed my life for the better.
11. I hope to get some stars tattooed on my arm this year.
12. I have had 8 cats in my life (that I can think of right now). Their names were Beeper, X, Violet, Abby, Miss Elvis, Cleo, Zuzu (poor Zuzu got run over) and of course, Elroy.
13. I think about death a lot. But I try not to because there is not much that can be done about it. Or, you know, anything. Death of people I love is the thing I fear the most.
14. My favorite thing in the universe is the ocean. Let's go there now.
15. I hate olives.
16. My thumbs are double jointed.
17. I have never had a cavity.
18. I don't like soda (which may be related to the above) or other fizzy drinks.
19. I am VERY sensitive to repetitive noises, like banging or the beeping of trucks in reverse. Drives me crazy.
20. The oldest thing I own is a peach pit carved by my great grandather. It is carved into a tiny basket.
21. I have recurring dreams about the day camp I went to for 8 years when I was growing up. I dream about it at least once a week.
22. My most treasured possestions are old family photos and a jewelry box from my best friend.
23. I also really love the collection of rocks I keep in a box my bed from Capri, the UK, and other places.
24. I want a dog really bad. Possibly a Boston Terrier or a chocolate lab.
25. I have never broken a bone.

Things about January

What's new you ask?

• I am currently getting my ass kicked in Word Twist by Eden and possibly Brian Byrne since I just challenged him to a game. Word Twist considers SHITTY to be a word but not SHIT. What's that about? Also my last game contained both SHITTY and TITS. Way to dirty up the joint, Word Twist!

• My new job has been pretty good. I am still getting the hang of it but another admin told me the other day, "you seem to have gotten in the swing of things pretty quickly!" To which I thought, well I have been doing this for TEN YEARS NOW so I guess that's a good point at which to be COMFORTABLE with it. To which I said, "thank you."

• I still haven't gotten a full paycheck though, which is hard. I am paying most of my bills and rent on time (or something resembling ON TIME) but I haven't been able to shop at all. I really want this dresser right now. (Don't buy it! Leave it for me!) And since I saw that dresser on-line I have developed a burning unjustified hate for my current dresser. Perhaps like people who have affairs, I only have eyes for the new and shiny. You're too controlling! You're getting fat! You're drawers don't open smoothly! You're paint is chipping! I hate you!

• I am desperate to go on a trip to someplace where it is more than 10 degrees. It has been freezing this week and the worst is the morning commute when I have to get off the train and walk the three blocks to my office building which is next to the river. This is not as peaceful or calming as it sounds when the negative wind chills are threatening to freeze your face right off. I considered getting a ski mask but that would have meant venturing out into the cold to actually buy one. So I just wrapped two scarves around my head and went on my way. Slowly and freezily.

• Oh, so, yeah, I want to go someplace warm. I am trying to get it together to get us to LA at the end of February/beginning of March. Going to Las Vegas last year even for just three days and not having to wear 15 layers of clothes really helped me to get through the last few weeks of winter. Sun = happy. I have never been to LA and sometimes there is talk of moving there so I figure I would like to actually see it before I really consider that. But when I am walking along the river with ice cold wind blowing through my down coat and two scarves, it is something which is fun/exciting to think about.

• For a bullet-ed entry this is turning out to be very long. The last thing I wanted to say is that I pulled a winner in my contest. Thanks to everyone who entered, I was happy you did! Miss Grace won and I will be sending out her prize at the end of the week. Although she already lives in San Diego so maybe instead of a prize I should send myself. Did I not mention that was in the fine print?

Happy New Year! Enter my contest!

Happy 2009! That's weird, right? I remember growing up and thinking about how old I would be in the year 2000 but I don't really remember thinking PAST that. Now here we are, way the hell past that. But tonight I got carded so I don't look any older than I did in 1997 apparently. Sweet.

In honor of this new big number I am doing a contest. My first ever! I'm a contest virgin! So being a virgin it only seems natural that I should team up with an adult toy store for something to give away. I'm such a rebel. But I would only pick out the most lovely innocent and sweet gift like a set of massage therapy oil. See, not too freaky. I wouldn't want to frighten you. AND, I am going to take that awesome present and throw in even more awesome things with it! Maybe some makeup I have mentioned on Tallulah-Blue, maybe a couple things from Paperchase, and who knows what else. It is going to be a rad bunch of stuff though, you want to enter. Trust me.

So, if you are at all interested write a comment. Remember to include your email, I promise not to spam you. (I don't even know how). I will pick someone in a week and then I will send something out to the winner around the 23rd. Presto! It's that easy.

Happy New Year from me to you.

(PS, Thanks to Drew at Eden Fantasy for contacting me and giving me the idea, and you know, the main prize. Whee!)