It's spring! Because...
- Today I had three iced coffees.
- I left the windows open when I went to work.
- I am wearing flip flops (I need a pedicure)
- I gave myself a spring haircut.
- I think tonight I could have a margarita.
- I feel better.
It's in your head.
I watched Being John Malkovich last weekend and for some reason it made me think a lot about death. I guess it was because I started thinking about conciousness and what makes us who we are. Really it is ONLY our brain that makes us do the things we do, and so if we don't have our brain, we are dead. In an abstract if not completely exact way.
I mean. I think about death anyway. It doesn't take much to set me off. Seeing the Grand Canyon made me think how small we all are, how we could fall in this giant hole in the ground and that? Would be that.
So then when my cousin called me yesterday to say my grampa had died, I wasn't sure what to do. It seems like it sneaks up out of nowhere. Especially when 6 months ago he was throwing the first ball out at the Tigers Game and being featured in the paper for being a top fundraiser for the MS ride. And now he is gone. And we are all kind of lost.
I will be heading out to Michigan soon to be with my family and cry and to try and wrap my head about death that is too close and too real. I wish I could just go back to thinking about death because of a movie. Like I could a week ago.
I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could give a him a hug.
But I can't.
So happy together!
I got a new bag. Really, that is the most exciting thing that has happened to me lately.
Friday I leave for Vegas. I will post when I come back next weekend. It really cannot come soon enough.
Have I told you lately, you're so money and you don't even know it? Well. You are. See you soon.
A Monday list
I'm tired but I feel like writing SOMETHING. So a list it is! How very Monday of me.
1. I watched the SAG Awards last night, or some of them. I clapped and cheered when The Office won. I miss The Office and all the other shows I watch. Of which there are about three. LOST comes back this week but it seems like it will be foreplay with no finish. Eight episodes?! Come ON. My one question watching those awards was Mickey Rooney. So. He's 87. He's been married to some hot ladies (8 times!). He's been in the movies since he was a kid. But he came out like he was the President Of Hollywood. Which, who am I to say, maybe he is. But when you stand to the left of the podium waiting for people to give you a standing ovation DON'T ACT ALL SURPRISED when they begrudingly get up and do it. And then he introduced his wife in the audience! He was PRESENTING AN AWARD. Ugh. I guess when you have been famous your entire life, you could kind of lose perspective on things.
2. For my mom's birthday I have bought my ticket to Vegas, our Cirque de Soliel tickets, made our hotel reservation. We are staying in a hotel that has tigers. In it. For some reason! Now I am broke! But it will be fun. I am looking forward to the day we spend at the Grand Canyon. I have my new camera, I will take a ton of pictures and be amazed by beauty. Then I will wander around Vegas and be amazed by access. I hadn't thought of a New Years resolution yet but now I have and I think it is HAVE MORE FUN. I want to do more things with the people I love. I have been giving more EVENTS as presents lately. I mean, who needs more crap?!? I would rather do SOMETHING with the people I love than give them A THING they don't need.
3. I've been thinking a lot about Heath Ledger. And, like Wendy said, I am not entirely sure WHY. He's just another actor, right? Just some movie star with a glamourous life that I did not know. I guess it is because he seemed sort of normal. He seemed to be a guy trying to live his life and do it the best way he could. And he was a talented guy who loved his daughter and had trouble sleeping... he was just having another day. Then he laid down and didn't get up. And that was that. Life is so short. You just don't know when your time will be up.
4. January. God, January. You really rip my heart out and make my brain hurt. Every year I forget how shitty you are and then you come back, even worse than before. Thank God you are almost done now. I will not miss you.
5. On the last day of January my pal Ellery will be twelve years old. I cannot believe it. As The Dude says, time is relentless. You can't stop it. And now my sweet little guy is 12. Happy Birthday, my sweetest.
Things I Loved At 15 That I Cannot Even Deal With At 31. A list.
- Violet and perrywinkle together (the colors of my bedroom at the time)
- White socks
- Faded jeans with rips in them worn with flannel shirts. (I really identified with the grunge culture, you know BEING A WHITE GIRL FROM VERMONT)
- Patrick Swayze. (Seriously, have you seen his face lately?!)
- Loud noises. (Am I thirty one now or eighty one, who can say?)
- Day glo; see also, tye die.
- Twin Peaks (totally freaking out Thirty One Year Old Me)
Things 31 Year Old Me Thinks Are Rad That 15 Year Old Me Thought Were Gross:
- French Kissing
- Vodka
- The word "rad"
Trouble
When I was seven I took a Swedish Fish from the general store.
You know how they keep them out in open displays? Sitting there collecting germs? They looked so shiny and delicious, I just had to have one. I popped it in my mouth without thinking and stood there chewing away.
My mom came around the corner and saw me chewing, looked down and immediately put two and two together. I can't remember exactly what she said but I was caught, red Swedish fish handed. The first thing I said was "it's gum!" And I made up a suddenly ever expanding story about how I brought the gum with me! It was always there! She didn't believe me since I was blatantly lying but I kept up with it. I wouldn't relent, I almost believed my own story.
I walked all the way home chewing an invisible piece of gum.
True facts about me
My thumbs are double jointed. Only my thumbs.
I have never broken a bone and I have never had a cavity.
If I liked the movie, I clap at the end. Why don't you?
My favorite color is a blue-ish/greenish aqua color which doesn't really have a name. It is somewhere around the color of my bedroom ... but not exactly.
When I get bored at work, I order myself an office supply item. It always cheers me up. Thanks, shopping!
Sometimes random people will tell me I am pretty. These people are always people I have just met and they are ALWAYS over sixty five years old. What is it that makes me so appealing to the grandparents of the world? I am not sure but I expect to hit my stride and be a real hussy at about 70 years old.
I can't wait.
Fare Thee Well
I am surrounded by boxes now. I can't turn my head without seeing one and thinking "I'm leaving."
I'm leaving this one room where i have been for 6 long years. I was 24 years old when I first walked in the door. I came here on a day when it was snowing and I had a mattress on the floor, and a tv, and a dresser. I had barely anything. And hardly nothing.
I'm leaving this place where I came after a first kiss and was so giddy, I called my best friends and wondered what it all meant. A few months later I sat on the bathroom floor, on the phone again, so mad, I wanted to throw things and cry and scream. I did cry and scream a little.
I'm leaving a home, my home. It has grown from four empty walls into its own something. It had its own life, and its own heart, and now it will be the heart for someone else. Someone else will laugh and cry and scream inside these walls.
I'm leaving something that I didn't know before. This room where everything in my life started. Where I fought for things that matter so much to me now, I can't remember my life before them. I can't remember my life before this room, and the I love yous, and the nights turning the lights out at 7:30 to hold on tight, just because we could.
I'm leaving and it wakes me up in the night to remind me it's there. "You're going", it says, quietly. Only I can hear it. I picture the new place, the new home, and I don't know what is coming next. I pull the covers up over me and my love, this room keeps us warm for now.
For now.
Nothing much
Hey, I am 30 and a 1/2 today! Which also means 6 months to 31! Who is excited about this? Probably just me! Awesome!
In other news, I have not much news. I am in the midst of packing and throwing things away and finding ancient things (like this picture from New Years Eve, 1993. I think it is 1993. I honestly do not remember much about that night. Carl is cute though, he looks like a little bug up in the front there!). Do you need any old books I never read or back issues of Vogue from 2002? Yeah, me neither. I am a secret pack rat. I keep bizarre things tucked in boxes on the shelf in my closet. Why do I need computer disks from 1999!?! Internet, I don't even have a disk drive! What the hell??
What else? I watched the Golden Globes. Award shows and Hollywood are weird. Everyone is so into themselves, which I guess makes some sense because so many other people are into them. I have decided I don't believe ANY of it is real. No marriages, no romances, nothing. I don't care. I want them all to fall off the planet. Would we miss Paris Hilton and all these vapid whores? Would we miss Warren Beatty and his 7 minute speeches while Annette Benning stares up at him thinking she is awesome? No, no, we would not.
I don't really have much else to say.
Aren't you glad I resolved to post more?
Feh.
"Love for me is all I need..."
Sarah Brown is making a Cringe Book and she wants your submissions.
I spent Sunday looking through my old diaries and CRINGING at almost everything I read. By the end, my head hurt and I wanted to cry. Until I find a scanner I am just walking around filled with my own private pain. Dear Lord, WHO HAS A SCANNER FOR ME?
So, I made a photo set to share my pain with everyone else.
I do it for you, Internet.
2006: About
Wow, Another year gone. They seem to speed the heck up as you get older, that is for sure. I tried to explain to someone how that is because they are a shorter amount of your life (when you are 10, a year is one tenth of your life. When you are 30th, it's 1/30th. And so on.) - they did not understand me. And that is nothing new.
Anyway, let's do this thing.
2006: The Year.
Theme of this year: Wow. I don't know if I even bothered to think about a theme for this year. Looking back I see my intended motto was DON'T GET BOGGED DOWN IN THE DETAILS, and I think I did manage that. Honestly though, this year was just sort of a tidal wave that picked me up and tossed me around.
But in the best possble way.
Best Month of the Year: July. I didn't know how to feel about turning 30, but it ended up feeling more like BEING MYSELF than I thought it would, if that makes any sense at all. I don't know, I have always been friends with people older than me and even though I feel 12 on most days, I also felt like I was catching up to myself somehow.
Best Day of the Year: My birthday was a really good day, from beginning to end. This was just one happy moment. (you can totally see my boobs in that picture but whatever. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!)
Worst Day/Time of the Year: There was a blip around Presidents Day and that kind of sucked. Otherwise, things were pretty good. I know, you hate me.
Favorite Person of the Year: Wendi was awesome and we spent loads of time together but I must give it up to my new awesome friend, Sarah. I was so glad to meet her and hang out with her and the bf totally found a new pal in her husband. We totally became one of those gross couple foursomes! I hate those people! Fantastic!
Favorite Moment of the Year: I might have to come back to this. Or maybe it is not fit to print...hmmm.
Favorite CD of the Year: I loved Discover a Lovelier You by the Pernice Brothers, which actually came out in 2005. Also, Rabbit Fur Coat by Jenny Lewis (thanks, Wendy!) and Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple was played a lot in the start of the year. Now Pernice Brothers have a new CD and I have been getting into that.
Favorite Song of the Year: Another one I need to come back to. Have to check my MOST PLAYED on iTunes.
Favorite Movie: Even though The Squid and The Whale came out in 2005, we didn't see it until 2006. We were the only ones laughing and at the end I said to my boyfriend "children of divorce!" Everyone else there must have come from un-broken homes.
Live Show of the Year: I saw Frank Black who I love love love but I think I was most excited to see Smoking Popes, and they were truly fucking great. I think I almost cried like 10 times from happiness.
Best Thing I Bought: I got a beautiful white leather bag for my birthday which was love. My mom bought it but I actually picked it out. Also a new camera which takes videos, and that has been fun.
Favorite Trip: The Cape for my birthday was great.
Book of the Year: I read a ton of memiors this year. I liked the Glass Castle, and Jesus Land. And then over Thanksgiving I read Time Travellers Wife and that has been in my head ever since.
So, here comes 2007. I remember being little and thinking about the year 2000 and wondering where I would be. I don't remember thinking past that honestly and now, here we are. It's not really meaningful to write, but it hasn't happened yet. So I don't know... I guess we'll see where I end up when it all evens out.
You just never know now, do you?
I hope your new year is happy and safe! See you in 2007!
(Here's what I said last year, in case you're curious.)
It takes a cocktail.
Yesterday sucked.
I had work drama and then I went home and found cat barf on the rug. On my cute cute throw rug. BASTARD. Why does he NEVER barf on the ugly ass beige wall to wall carpet which I do not care about? Why does he ALWAYS pick the rugs!?!? When he is in the bathroom he never pukes on the tile (which I could EASILY clean up) it is ALWAYS ON THE RUG! I hate him!
SO, anyway. I cried then. I am a baby. But the day? It was mental. In conclusion I had to invent a new drink! And it is delicious!
First you take lime aid, and you put it in a glass. Then you add tequila. And then you add some more tequila. Go ahead, add some more! And THEN you add a splash (or as much as you want) of orange juice. Plus ice! And a slice of lime! AND YUM! It is delicious. I will have two or three, thankyouverymuch.
I think I will call it the "Thursday Was A Long Day And Then My Cat Barfed On The Rug".
Voila!
Friday Cuteness
It takes baby animal photos to cheer me up at this point.
Query
My camera died a few weeks ago and I really really miss it. I even let my Flickr account expire because all I have to post is camera phone photos and who the hell cares?
But now I think I can't wait any longer and I need to get a new camera. THIS WEEKEND! Or sooner!
So, what kind should I get? I probably don't REALLY want to spend more than $200 if I can help it. What are my options? What kind do you have?
Let me have it!
Observations of the Unemployed
- I am very good at: sleeping. Sitting on my arse. Spending money I don't have. Surfing the web, for hours. Chatting on IM. Talking on the phone. Ignoring all other responsibilities.
- A task like cleaning out under the bed can take hours but leave you with a sense of accomplishment. That no one else will ever know about.
- There are some boring and weird TV commercials in the world. I am especially sick of the one for carpets that come the next day and the one where the lawyer who says "I'll get choo the money yooou deserve" with that annoying accent.
- You can get something done when you actually try. Amazing!
- I have lots of time to have a clean house and make lovely dinners because, hey, I"m not so tired at the end of the day! How do wives do this? Hopefully they have helpful husbands. Or maids.
- In my next life, I hope to be a cat. All he does is sleep and eat.
- Hey! All I do is sleep and eat! Just kidding!...(kind of)
By the way.
Does anyone know anyone who wants to buy a condo in Vermont? My mom is selling her lovely end unit which is close to the skiing towns and also Burlington.
If you have any questions, email me.
3 Things That Are Totally Stupid: A List
1) The fact that on the Entertainment Tonight ad for their Oscar show they play the "I've had the time of my life" song from Dirty Dancing. THE TIME OF MY LIFE? Well, I can tell you this much, it is NOT the Entertainment Tonight Oscar show. And if it is, I give you permission to crack me upside the head because life is no longer worth living.
2) The woman who told me yesterday (upon learning that I was leaving my job, or rather, BEING FORCED OUT OF MY JOB because they cannot afford me) that I should go back to school. Um...hi? First of all, you do not know me. Second of all, telling someone to go back to school seems like something you would tell a person who is maybe 23 (not almost thirty) and hasn't been doing this admin stuff for eight years. I am not against possibly going back to school at some point but, YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL. Thirdly, how does she know I never went to school to begin with? I DID. I hated it. Again, doesn't mean I won't go back but PLEASE DON'T LECTURE ME WHEN YOU BARELY EVER SPOKE TO ME IN MY LIFE. Other than to ask me to make interview schedules for you. So in conclusion, leave me alone. Thanks!
3) People who take themselves too seriously. The other day, Sarah asked me "why is making fun of people so funny?" and I was all "I don't know! But it is!" I don't think that I am any better than anyone else (well, I am better than the jerks on Entertainment Tonight) but it really is SO ANNOYING when people think they are The Shit. Or when they are so serious about their art, their music, their bullshit WHATEVER. I am sorry but life is FUNNY. And we are all idiots! Bumbling around doing stupid things! ALL THE TIME. Why do you think it is so funny when someone falls over? Because it could happen to any of us at any time and seeing someone HIT THE GROUND (as I did going up the stairs at Ikea on Sunday because I think I will just overwhelmed by cheap Swedish furniture!) reminds me that, hey, we're all morons! We fall over! Hahaha! This is not a conclusive argument so you just have to trust me. If you think what you are doing is going to change the universe, I am not here to say it couldn't, but also please remember that life is short, so have fun. Fall down. Laugh!
*********************
One more thing/part where I beg you for a favor: tomorrow is my last day at my job, soon I start my new full time job of job hunting which I was doing last year at this time! Hurrah! I just checked Google Adsense and found that I made $34 in February from my little ads! That is the most I made EVER. So thank you to anyone who ever clicked an ad, I really appreciate it. I pay to host my site that way and also for coffee sometimes, so if you think of it and wouldn't mind please click through on anything that interests you. Though I do hope that FIshy Vaginal Oder ad goes away soon because seriously? Google? That's nasty. THANKS.
Just two gals watching TV
Me: Hey! There's a new Oil of Olay lotion called CREAM RIBBONS?!?*
Al: Oh.
Me: Wow, cream ribbions. I don't particularly want to rub them on my body. Not right now, anyway.
Al: It's like that Morning Burst lotion.
Me: And Morning Glow!
Al: Apparently cum is the new hot thing in advertising.
Me: Well, OBVIOUSLY.
*UPDATED TO ADD: their tagline is WRAP YOURSELF IN MOISTURE. Um?
TGIFFF*
I have had a shitty ass week. I am exhausted. And it was all capped off today when my paycheck AGAIN did not arrive on time. Hooray! Life, keeps getting better!
But, seriously, it's just this time of year. I am convinced. I also know it's ebbs and flows, baby. Things - they are not always perfect. Some days they are harder than others. Look at me, I am like Buddah over here with the deep thoughts and ALL THE KNOWLEDGE!
Anyway. I don't have much to say. I could complain endlessly but there are so many other blogs that do that so much better.
So I will leave you with this. So scary, but so worth it. It's just...well....there are no words. Watch!
*Thank God it's finally fucking Friday!!
Thoughts I Had While Briefly Watching the Grammys' (or is it Grammies?)
(I have my period, so please note these were written when I was at my very most bitchy)
- Nicole Kidman is a robot mannequin. She's doesn't clap, she just sits there with her plastered on bitch face until her new gayboyfriend looks at her while he is clapping and then it seems to compute, "OH, I SHOULD BE CLAPPING!"
- Chris Martin needs a t-shirt that fits. Every time he sings, he puts his arms up and we all have to see his muffin top. Put your fucking arms down or get a longer shirt, Douchebag.
- What is with Madonna and the assy leotards? Is it 1985?
- I could use Beyonces earrings as a chandelier in my studio apartment.
- Kelly Clarkson should compose herself. Only dogs can hear her now.
- Gwen Stefani looks like she is wearing a mumu. And all that hair bleach can't be good for her English fetus.
- I dislike text messages which say "OK". Oh, wait. That was one from my LIFE and not the Grammys/Grammies.
- I never liked her, but now I am so over Mariah Carey. Seriously. Put some clothes on, Trampie.
Friday things.
There was a woman on the train reading a fairly large (and purple) book with the giant title written across the front: The Silent Orgasm! I wondered, was she having one right now?
After I wrote this the other day, you can imagine my shock and suprise when yesterday my boss asked if we could have a brief meeting today. Um, I guess so? Even though we've never done that before? I am so nervous! Wendy pointed out that they probably wouldn't schedule a meeting to FIRE ME, but I am still nervous. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? And why do I always expect the worst? I guess so I won't be let down if it turns out badly?
Wish me luck. I feel sick.
UPDATE: So, they are renewing my contract as much as they can which means until March 2nd (my mom's birthday! Lovely!) and then I will be jobless. It could have been worse, they could have said "You're out TODAY!" and at least I have 5 weeks to find something else. Know of anything good?
Phooey.
Jokes?
I am looking for jokes. I want things that are just one or two lines. If you have anything worth while please put it in the comments.
Thanks.
Gene pool
On the phone with my mom.
Mom: So, I just read that Juliet Mills is married to that guy from Grease 2.
Me: I don't know who that is.
Mom: Oh, Hayley Mills sister!
Me: Um? Okay.
Mom: And she was the nanny in Nanny and The Professor.
Me: Yeah, I never saw that. Why do I care?
Mom: Well, they've been married like 20 years and he was 26 when they met and she was like 40 or something.
Me: Oh. Which guy from Grease 2?
Mom: The main one with Michelle Pfeffier. From Grease 2!
Me: Mitchell...?
Mom: Matthew...
Me: It's not Matthew. It's weirder. He was on, like, Young and the Restless or something too.
Mom: I can picture his face.
Me: Yeah, me too. Mitchell? Mau...
Mom: Matthew...
Me: IT'S NOT MATTHEW!
Mom: It's something!
Me: Well... yes.
Mom:...
Me: MAXWELL CAUFIELD!
Mom: Very good!
Me: I guess.
Mom: Now I don't have to call you back!
Me: Thank God! I wonder where that came from in my brain...
Mom: Really!
Me: Scary.
Mom: It's like Ruth Buzzy and whatshisname...
Me: WHAT?
Mom: You know!
Me: Oh, Jesus. I have to hang up now!
Mom: Yeah.
Me: Oy.
Mom: Sorry!
Gratitude
- My true love.
- My other love.
- Pink sweatpants from Target
- My Girls
- All the love I've got lately from the Internet
- All the love from my real life too
- Revlons new lipstick formula & Vixen Nailpolish
- Starbucks Gingerbread Lattes
- Email to keep me occupied all day
- This new kind of granola that I am OBSESSED with!
- Awesome-ness
- Knowing it is going to be up to me, for better or worse.
My horoscope for the week
I love this.
"If I had to live my life again," said actress Tallulah Bankhead, "I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner." These should be your words to live by in the coming weeks, Cancerian. In my astrological opinion, the smartest thing you can do is to try the iffy adventures you've been postponing and experiment with the chancy turns you've been wondering about. In order to set the stage for your greatest victories in 2006, you will have to learn lessons that these potential mistakes can help teach you.
Addendum
My father said he doesn't think this is true. He said he thinks poking people in the eyes with pins is the best revenge. He may have a point.
I should mention that what I do here is more reporting of shit from off the top of my head and not really writing in any real way. Someday that may change and I'll get better about having more to say. But it might not. One never knows.
Overheard at Brunch on Sunday
Man: And then they did a threesome!
Woman: Oh, right.
Man: That was crazy. And, Charlotte! She was great. I always felt badly for her. She married Trey and he was impotent and it just never worked out.
Woman: Well, they solved that eventually.
Man: No. They never REALLY solved it.
Women: Okay.
Man: And then she met the lawyer who didn't really seem like the perfect person. But sometimes! When you think the person isn't perfect, they really ARE.
Woman: Right.
Man: And that was so great.
Woman: Yeah.
Man: I don't know about Samantha. I just never knew about her. I don't know what will HAPPEN TO HER.
Woman: She got cancer and -
Man: Oh! Yeah! God. That was so amazing. I never really liked Carrie though.
Woman: I think I am a combination of all four women.
Man: That is what every woman says.
Woman:...
Man: I think Carrie was torn between the Russian and Big in the end. Even though it seemed like she was with Big, and back in the city and everything...
Woman: I don't want to talk about Sex and the City anymore.
Man: O-kay.
Other Things From Today
I dare you to try not to be embarrassed when you are writing an emotional email and you start to cry and then your boss comes up and sees you crying and is all "Oh! I'm so sorry!" and practically runs away.
Also, there are somedays I just wish I didn't even have a cell phone because any kind of text message is way more than I want to deal with right now.
You want to know what I am really in the mood for? Between you and me, it'd be fucking perfect to just sit and stare at the wall for awhile.
She walks on me
I think I'm going to be Courtney Love for Halloween. So far I am thinking this involves: a bleached out wig, torn up stockings and some layered babydoll dresses. Oh, and Maryjanes! And something possibly written on my arm. Maybe WHORE? Do I want to walk around with WHORE written on me all night? This could give off some wrong ideas. Or right ones! Hey, it's HALLOWEEN!
I am now taking suggestions for other important parts of my costume. The best part, when I get drunk it will just be because I am being TRUE TO MY CHARACTER.
She's crafty.
I've decided I need a project.
I used to make these pretty cool bags, that were made from magazine clippings and tape, which sounds horrendous but are actually fairly groovy and come out like vinyl and also practically indestructible because that is packing tape, y'all.
Anyway, if anyone cares or wants one, email me and I will make you one. I might do it tomorrow or it might take me a month, but I figure nothing will get me motivated like people clamoring. If I get a few emails, I will make a few. Probably not more than five though, because I don't have that much money for tape. Especially since my bullshit paycheck STILL HASN'T COME.
But I digress.
Get your fabulous bags here.
Free! My love is FREE! For a limited time...
Yikes
What is up with this picture of John Roberts which is on Yahoo right now?
I am frightened. YOU ARE LOOKING INTO THE SCARY EYES OF YOUR DOOOM!!
I would also like to add, Joe Biden, you are awesome and I kind of love you. (the part I love is at the very end of that article)
Something looks good on you. But I don't think it's LOVE.
This ad just popped up on Yahoo.
What? LOVE, it looks good on you? And they are in bed? Is it me, or is that kind of dirty? It's for HAIR DYE...but... does she not look like she is about to go down on him? Is that because his hair is SO AWESOME?! Also, what is up with the lovely gold frame on the wall, above the fantastic headboard? I think she is a hooker and they are in a cheesy hotel! Is this ad circa 1979? I mean, REALLY.
Carry on.
burn burn burn
I'm feeling very antsy and anxious today. Like my skin is too tight, or I had too much caffeine. Yet, does this stop me from drinking my Grande Iced Latte? NO, it does not.
I feel like a thunderstorm is coming, and all the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. I don't know what it means. I hope it isn't bad.
I just bought a quotable card with this on the front. I love it.
The people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing,
but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous roman candles
exploding like spiders across the stars.
- Jack Kerouac
Apropos of nothing
But, I HATE HIM. Look at his smug fucking face! God! He SUCKS.
That's all.
Lucie Says
Yesterday I called Elaine and Carl to see how their new house was and how things were going. I am sure you are glad to know, all is well. Lucie followed Carl around while he was on the phone with me, I could hear her in the background saying "I want to tell her something, Papa. I want to tell her something!" Finally he became exasperated and said "stop following me!" Then she got on, to tell me something:
Lucie: Hi.
Me: Hey, Lu. How are you?
Lucie: Good.
Me: Good. I'm going to come and see you tomorrow, okay?
Lucie: Okay...
Me:...
Lucie:...
Me: What's up, Luc?
Lucie: Today... TODAY. I saw TWO GARDEN SNAKES!
Me: Wow. You did? That's great.
Lucie: Yeah.
Me: What colors were they?
Lucie: One was orange... and I don't remember the other one.
Me: Oh. Okay. I am going to see you tomorrow, okay? Can I talk to your mom for a second?
Lucie: Yeah.
Me: Okay. Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow.
Lucie:...
Me:...
Lucie: (LONG PAUSE WHILE SHE LOOKS FOR ELAINE)
Me:...
Lucie: (SUDDENLY BACK) If you want to make bubbles, use dish soap and water.
Me: (CRACKING UP) Okay. Good to know!
Lucie: CLEAN water.
Me: Okay.
Lucie: And dish soap!
Me: Okay. Thank you. Can I talk to your mom now? See you tomorrow.
Lucie: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Scotland, popes, and unicorns.
I dreamt that I was in a castle in Scotland, visiting some people I don't know. At one point, I was in a small side room trying to put a baby to sleep and looking out the huge floor to ceiling mirrors. There was an earthquake or something and I looked up in the mountains to see two giant red barns roll down the mountain, crashing and banging as they went, sending horses running - right by the house and away into the distance.
The sky was light and dark and suddenly there were these strange looking Pope people in the field. Dirt started to fall from the sky and then the popes turned into unicorns.
You should obviously be listening to 70's glamrock while you read this, because I am CLEARLY high as a fucking kite.
Unicorns??
Drinks for everyone.
Hey, Internet!
I got a job!
Commence celebration!
"No time to tarry, lest we forget, lives are at stake!"*
This morning I was waiting for the bus and watching all the to and fro people. Some people have whacked out hair styles, some have very loud shoes.
When a kid who looked to be three appeared, dressed as Batman - complete with the padded "muscle" breastplate and bat hat (hood?) with ears rising up off his head - I knew my people watching had reached its BAM! CRASH! crescendo.
As he walked by me, we made eye contact and he stared intensely at me through his tiny Batman hood eye holes. Then he waved. A kind of sweeping Royal wave, as he strolled by, probably on his way to fight crime at the playground, all casual and kick ass.
I sat there happily stunned and felt like I should turn around and go home. I mean, how can the day POSSIBLY get any better than that?
For No Reason: A List of Thoughts I am Having Which Have Nothing To Do With Anything.
1. I think I used too much gel in my hair today. It's all flat, lifeless, and poofy at the same time. Which is weird.
2. Why do people describe hair as LIFELESS? That makes no fucking sense.
3. I should not have eaten those M&M's. Chocolate gives me a headache.
4. I got on the wrong bus today and was let off NO WHERE NEAR MY TEMP JOB. I walked by a cemetary, a golf course, and four old age homes. It was like walking through my freaky future or something equally fucked up. At one point I just wanted to sit down in the sidewalk-less suburbs and cry and cry. I wonder what would have happened if I had, and how long I would have sat there.
5. Tonight I am having dinner with my dad. He might get this weird salmon he got last time, covered in maple syrup which I have been calling "sugar salmon" ever since. I will probably get salad. I have that feeling my body is yelling "OH MY GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE YOU BUTTERBALL!"
(Yep, that was a nothing entry).
Things Found Under My Bed When I Moved It Today
The Devil is a Woman movie poster featuring Marlene Dietrich:One
Lost In Translation movie poster: One
Ten by Pearl Jam cassette tape: One (complete with paint splatters from when I was 17 and painted my room purple)
Automatic for the People by REM cassette tape: One
Used Earplugs: Five
Picture of Alex with Elvis Costello: One
Book of United Kindom Road Maps: One (um, yeah, that's yours Al!)
Frank Black and the Catholics, self titled CD: One (I was looking for that!)
Unmailed Birthday Present in Bubble Wrap Envelope: One (sorry, Andy)
Unmailed Birthday Card, in addressed, sealed envelope: One
Postcards featuring the London Eye: Two
Handbags: Six
One Born to Run record album (BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!): One
Bobbypins: Seven
Thumbtacs: Three
Picture Frames: Four
Picture Frames with Photos Inside: Two
Birthday Cards over five years old: Three
Grosse Point Blank Soundtracks on CD: One
Astrologic Charts for yours truly: One
Mexican Bingo Sets: One
Amelie soundtrack CD's not in a case: One
Free Weights, two pounds each: Two
Photos of Missing or Deceased Cats: Four
Pretty prettiness!
I picked more lilacs today. Now I keep shoving my face into them and inhailing until my head hurts. I feel drunk. DRUNK ON SPRING! Yippie!
If you pick lilacs and want them to last longer, bang (BANG!) the stems with a hammer. If you do that - crush the stem up about two inches - they will last a lot longer. They can't suck up the water otherwise, and this will greatly expand their life!
You didn't know I was such a source of VALUABLE information, did you now?
RE: The Zombies who may or may not have sucked out my brain.
I can't think of anything to say.
Maybe at some point I will tell you about what I believe to be a shanty town situated next to my current temp job. MAYBE I will even take photos.
For now I just want to get out of here and hit the road.
Have a good weekend. Stay outta trouble, Internet.
Or if you get into any, promise to tell me all about it.
one thing has nothing to with the other.
Last night Al came over and I cut her hair into some kicky fabulous layers which we immediately deemed sassy. Then we started saying "SASSY!" and then we missed Phil Hartman. Poor, Phil Hartman.
It was good she came over because the two nights before that, I came home, made a big bowl of popcorn and sat on my couch watching season 2 of Sex and the City. If I didn't know better, I would think I was suffering the Break Up Blues. But, somehow I seem to have missed out on all the hand holding, sex having, and date going of the relationship. Damn.
Yesterday morning I got sort of stuck in a hour or so period where I kept thinking about how this one time my ex-boyfriend told me I was "funny, smart and special" to which I replied, "that makes me sound like a retarded five year old". I mean, get thee a new vocabulary. Really.
My friend, Mereubu, has been cracking me up for approximately two days with a joke she wrote in an email yesterday. It was silly and dirty and I love her for it. I'd write it out but I fear it was one of those location specific "had to be there" kinds of things.
Words from you, words for me
I really need a new great book to read. I am tired of starting something and getting half way through it and realizing I could care less. WHY AM I STILL READING THIS? And then, throwing it into a giant pile, never to be seen again.
So, Internet, got any suggestions for me?
Two Lists I Made Whilst Sitting in the Sun At Lunch.
Dead People To Have Dinner With:
Carol Lombard (so pretty!)
Dorothy Parker (so witty!)
Cary Grant (so dapper!)
Shakespeare (so cliche!)
Orville Redenbacher (so random! This is mostly because my mother and I used to think he sort of resembled popcorn and I would like to do a side by side comparison)
I need someone HISTORICAL but I am having trouble picking...
Living People To Never Have Dinner With (I like how I made these titles as if they were things I should potentially be worried about ever happening):
Kathie Lee Fucking Gifford
Carrot Top
John Tesh, who may or may not be closely related to
Yanni
Robin Williams
Star Jones, Barbara Walters, or any of the bullshit ladies from The View.
Girl, puh-leeze
If she was going to show up somewhere would it REALLY be under the fucking underpass as a fucking STAIN??
Give me a break, World.
(What's funny is I read this part: "We're treating this just like we treat any type of roadside memorial," said IDOT spokesman Mike Claffey. "We have no plans to clean this site." And at first I read it as "IDIOT spokesman". Which...well, yeah.)
Questions on my mind.
- Why does my iTunes "Party Shuffle" decide to play some songs twice in a row? Does it really like those songs? Does it think people at my "Party" really wanted to hear RIGHT ON TIME by the Red Hot Chili Peppes two times, one right after another? Clearly, iTunes does not know who I would have at my "Party".
- After the Ritual Shaving of Elroy, I was thinking about that year or so period when I was about 14 or 15 when girls were shaving the backs of their heads. Like right up under where you would have a ponytail. Does anyone else remember that? Why did we do that? It's seems very Prison Chic somehow.
- Where does the water come from in yogurt? Why is it there? Why does it gross me out? Also getting water for no apparent reason, ketchup and mustard. Discuss.
- Pushups hurt my elbows. Running hurts my shins. Am I broken?
Stay tuned for bald ass cat photos. Super amusing! And random!
Blood is thicker than corn piles.
I really love my house.
I came home, took a shower, and now I am sitting on my bed with my boyfriend, iBook. What did you think I was going to say? A REAL LIVE boyfriend? You so crazy.
The ride home was long and hot. Stuffy car, crowded back seat. I hope to get some pictures up tomorrow.
Funniest conversation of the weekend (minus, all the discussion which went into the sawing of the couch) goes to my dad and aunt, who were discussing what kind of foods are good for your eyes:
Aunt: There are two.
Dad: Carrots!
Aunt: No.
Dad: Broccoli!
Aunt. No....do you want me to tell you?
Dad: YES!
Aunt: Spinach-
Dad: YAY!
Aunt: and yello corn
Dad: EW!
Aunt: You don't like yellow corn?
Dad: No. Not really.
Me: (getting involved): Corn on the cob??
Dad: Oh. Yeah. It's okay on the cob. But I don't like my corn in a PILE.
Me: In a PILE?
Dad: Yeah
Me: That's so gross. Who likes anything IN A PILE. Ooo, a PILE OF FOOD! Sounds really delicious. What kind of food do you eat in a PILE?
Dad: Mashed potatos?
Me: That's not a pile, it's a SCOOP.
Dad. Oh.
Me: ...AND, you love corn on the cob.
Dad: Not really. I only eat it once a year
Mom: (also getting involved, we are like that): ONCE a YEAR? (looking at me, rolling eyes)
Dad: Yeah, in the Spring, it's good.
Mom/Me: SPRING? What?
Mom: It's SUMMER CORN. It is good in JULY!
Dad: Well. I only eat it once year.
Me: Like eggnog?
Dad: Yeah!
Me: Or candy corn.
Dad: Yeah!
From: my friend, Andy. Re: His Daughter, Cat, the saddest elf in the world!
Quote of the week from Cat, after watching the Pope being carried to be laid to rest in state.
"Oh no! Santa's dead!"
