So, OBVIOUSLY great parenting skills run in this family.
I need to stop reading the entertainment "news", I can feel it... I think that is my brain slowly dripping out of my left ear.
I like on the OK cover she says she is "scared and shocked". Well, yeah. Sometimes if you stick that thing in there and poke it around a little BABIES GET MADE, y'all!
Do you ever just feel like you are watching the end of the world?
So.. girl. What is UP?
Okay, you're clearly a little crazy right now, what with the shaving of your head and the beating that car up with the umbrella. I think you probably have post-partum depression, along with you know, having no one reliable or influential (in a good way) in your life. Hanging out with Puffy and that scummy magician, well, you know, they probably aren't the best role models.
Did you ever notice how when people get famous they kind of freeze at the age they started at? Which means you are what? Still 16, I think. You still want to wear too many accessories and mid drift bearing shirts while most other gals your age are finishing grad school and sleeping with French guys named Philippe. You are out there falling down drunk and fighting with your mama. And you know, I guess we have all been there and done that too. We just haven't had to do it in front of THE WORLD.
And now they are calling you flabby but I thought you looked pretty good. You are a 25 year old who has had two babies in two years. I know you wish they would give you a fucking break. I wish that too. You know all the people at home criticizing you are fat old men sitting around in their boxer shorts eating Cheeto's. Don't let them get you down. Don't cry about it. Because they will just make fun of you for that. Maybe you could give Justin a call? He seems like a nice guy. Maybe he could help you out. Or take you out for fried chicken. That would be fun right? Maybe you could work out with his new hot girlfriend, Jessica-what's her name?!
So, I was pulling for you. We all really wanted you to do well, I think. Except for the jerks, cause they never want anyone to do well. But then you came out to "sing" and you just looked half asleep. You seemed to not even know the words you were LIP SYNCING and you almost fell over more than once. I think your boots were too high for you. Don't wear boots when you are high, it's dangerous. I wanted to close my eyes and look away and then after that I wanted to give you a blanket to cover yourself up with and maybe some hot cocoa.
Seriously, honey, put your feet up. Take a bath. Comb your extensions. Hug your babies. Go to bed before 9. You'll like it, I promise. You'd feel SO MUCH BETTER.
And don't hang out with Paris. She's obviously bad news.
Your friend, Emily
Dear Tom Cruise,
So, well. Hmm. I just don't know where to begin.
I guess I should start this letter by being honest and saying I never really cared for you in the first place. I remember when my friend in 9th grade decided she LOVED the movie Cocktail and tried to make me watch it. Tom, I couldn't even stomach it then and I was thirteen. I loved Dirty Dancing and the New Kids on the Block, but you, Tom. My immature tastes had already surpassed your mediocre talent.
I remember once when I saw you on Oprah in the 90's. You were there with your cherubic wife, Nicole Kidman (yes, she was sort of cherubic once before she became a botoxed alien who has a weird affinity for effeminate rock and country stars) and Opie talking about Far and Away. You were sort of funny (sort of) and for a brief while I tolerated you. But maybe it was because you were kind of in the background and your big toothy grin and scary Manson lamp eyes were not always thrust into our faces, like they are today.
Now, I seriously just don't know what is up. You scare me and I fear that aliens have taken over your body. I mean, I never thought you were that WITH IT from the start but now....well. All the talk about the silent births and the drugging of kids and the scary laugh. OH MY GOD, THE LAUGH. Seriously. I know you don't like drugs and you think they are SO BAD AND EVIL but you might want to look into taking a valium or maybe just having a cocktail to take the edge off. You are freaking me out, Tom. I feel pretty confident in saying that you are freaking US ALL out. Even Oprah was afraid.
Most of all, Tom, what in the holy name of hell have you done to Katie Holmes? Oh, right, I know - it's "Kate" now. You had to change her name too. Did you put something in her water? Oh, right, I KNOW, you don't believe in drugs. I can't even begin to explain how weird I find the whole Katie/Kate situation. WHAT IS GOING ON THERE? I keep looking at magazines in the supermarket, trying to see a clue in her vacant expression and some kind of hint in her sad caffeinated eyes (I mean the girl is ALWAYS going for coffee. That is going to be one jumpy fetus). But, nope. Nothing. I don't even know what to say about it, Tom! It's all SO WEIRD.
So, now I am thinking this is what you should do. You should take your zombie bride/faux fiancé/WHATEVER and your test tube science baby and go far far away to an island or something. You're wearing us all out. We're tired of seeing you. I don't know ONE PERSON who likes you or finds you to be a good actor. In fact, lately, people have been saying they HATE YOU. And these are people who BELIEVE IN DRUGS so they are already fairly mellow!
Don't go away mad, Tom. Just go away.
Yours,
Emily
So I think the baby of these two is going to be COMPLETELY SEE THROUGH.
Who's with me?
Okay, so for some unknown reason I am watching the American Music Awards and Lindsay Lohan was just on. Um, singing... I guess? There is a lot of time in the day when you are on a break, let me tell you.
She wasn't just SINGING but clomping around in shoes that looked like they belonged to her fat gramma. Hi, those are too big for you, little girl! Also, she was singing White Winged Dove with more back up singers than anyone EVER had before, so who knows if she can even hold a note. She's apparently Stevie Nicks or something? They have the coke in common, if nothing else!
God, that was scary. I am so confused.
PS. What is WRONG with Gwen Stefani's hair?!? Gah!
Did anyone else see this? I think it's so bizarre. What is up with picking THAT as your moment to present someone with a gift?!? Also, what do people see in Katie Couric? I think she is one of the MOST ANNOYING people ever. That voice. That hair. That TAN. Ugh.
All I can figure is that she must have one magical vagina.
(I'm very sorry for putting that image in your mind but COME ON, explain it to me!)
Me: Did you watch Alias?
Kristin: Yeah, I did.
Me: Did you cry?
K: A little. I yelled at the TV. "THIS IS BULLSHIT!"
Me: Yeah, I saw the end. What happened at the beginning? With the car crash?
K: Oh. Well, he was explaining how he is someone else and there is this prophecy thing and his dad changed their identities because people were getting killed...man, this show is so hard to explain.
Me: It's like telling someone about a dream you had.
K: It is!
Me: "My mom was there, and then she turned into my friend. And there was a lamp. And we were in the grocery store!"
K: "It was CRAZY!"
Me: So, they didn't get hurt in the car crash?
K: Well, that part was kind of interesting. The paramedics came and were helping them and she woke up and she saw the paramedic had a gun. Then she ran away through a corn field.
Me: As you do.
K: Right. Did you see the part where she found out she was pregant?
Me: No.
K: That was ridiculous. She was running through this crowd and her cell phone rang and it was her doctor all 'we got your test results!' and she was like 'it's not a good time!' and then she met up with Vaughn and said "I'm pregnant!" and then they parachuted off a cliff...(dissolves into laughter)
Me: It IS like a dream!
K: Totally. "Then I was running through a crowd and my phone rang..."
Me: "and it was my doctor! And I was pregnant!"
Me & K: "AND THEN WE PARACHUTED OFF A CLIFF!"
Me: I am blogging this tomorrow.
K: You should! Say I was laughing so hard I could barely talk!
Hi, I'm crazy!
I will SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL with my FIERCE EXCITEMENT about things which are TOTALLY TRUE and GENUINE!
I do not need to be medicated. MEDICATION IS BAD.
I'm PSYCHO and I EMBRACE THAT COMPLETELY! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
For some weird reason I ended up watching the Primetime Live with stupid Corey Clark talking about Paula Abdul as his own personal Henry Higgins, complete with making out in cars and doing it in her guest room (he explained this by saying this is the room her three dogs hang out in. I don't know what that has to do with anything but I can clearly be left with a big case of EW).
My favorite part (meaning the MOST RIDICULOUS part) was when the interviewer said something about how the moment on Idol where CC fucked up the lyrics and started singing to Paula, which she of course was completely THRILLED about being the attention whore she is, was a "famous moment in the history of American Idol". I'm sorry? The History of American Idol? DEAR LORD.
They also played a phone message which sure sounded like Paula (i.e. pinched and annoying) - but really, I don't even care. I don't even know why I watched it. Oh, although! The song he wrote about Paula was pretty funny, and features him singing "STRAIGHT UP!" in between lyrics. Hee.
My one question is of all the contestants that show has seen, WHY DID SHE PICK HIM? I mean, seriously? Of anyone to potentially fuck up your life over? Paula, straight up now tell me. He looks like a greasy rat who got stuck in a drain. So tiny and yucky, that. To each their own.
STRAIGHT UP!
Um, I guess it's too soon for me to say I don't want to hear anymore about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes right? What the fuck? Did Tom think Brad was getting too much press and he wanted some for himself? Who has ever heard of the publicst sending out emails and press release to the world saying YOOO HOO these two people are dating!? DEAR LORD. I mean WHO BELIEVES THESE PEOPLE ARE A COUPLE?
Ick. Shut up the fuck up, Hollywood.
I was telling Pinky how last night on the Apprentice they kept talking about making "the box". The toy box, the wood box, the box, the box, THE BOX! After awhile, it was sounding really dirty to me. Finally they started saying the trunk, although when I told Pinky I said "treasure chest" which is now TOTALLY my new name for the girl parts (which Alex and I have also been known to call "the stuff" as in "my stuff hurts" or "don't kick me in the stuff"). The Treasure Chest! I love it!
Feel free to use it at all your parties, and in your more intimate moments.
*jewels! Hee!
I am pretty much over Alias with all the "let's put Syndey (or Sydney's dad or boyfriend or partner or sister) in danger and SEE if they survive only to have them get out of the life threatening situation at the LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT" scenarios. I mean, GOD. We get it. And no one ever bites it, they just keep getting stuck in peril only to be released seconds before the bomb goes off!**
After last weeks show I was thinking I wouldn't be watching it again. Then I saw the previews for this week and there is Jason Segel! Also known as Nick from Freaks and Geeks! Maybe he will sing Lady L. Or Lady S for Sydney. "Lady S, you're a shitty spy - and you almost get killed but you never die." And so forth. But after that I am DONE. Unless they bring back Will. And Francie. And Sark...
**or the gun shoots them. Or the fire engulfs them. Or the saw cuts them in half. Etc. ETC.
I just watched PS with Laura Linney and Topher Grace. What a sweet little movie! And how did Topher Grace get to cute because jeeze, we get it, Topher. YOU'RE CUTE. And FUNNY! It's the PERFECT COMBINATION! I am pretty sure in real life my cat would outweigh him, but other than that - SUPER CUTE.
Also, Laura Linney = so relaxed and beautiful. Even when she is playing someone high strung and neurotic, she has this calm core that puts me at ease when I'm watching her. I heart her. Have you seen You Can Count On Me? No? Go. Rent it IMMEDIATELY. It's so so so good. That will be the next DVD I buy.
Another obscure movie I liked was Laurel Canyon although I did not understand the end. Did anyone else see that? Can you please explain it to me? The scene with Christian Bale and his coworker in the car is super sexy, you should see it for that alone.
Can someone also explain XX/XY to me? That had a weird ending too. I need things to be CLEAR CUT. I am not very bright at the obscure MEANINGFUL movies. Although I think XX/XY was not especially meaningful as maybe just not very deep. Trying to be something MORE than it was and I was left going "where's the beef?"
I would write about real life but...well, not very exciting. I am also left going "where's the beef?" And NOT in a dirty way. Get your mind out the gutter, will you?
Gawd. How embarrassing. For YOU.
Ohmigod. I am so scurred right now.
Barry Manilow is on the TV singing. Something called MAGIC. It's very Vegas with lights and corny jokes but the worst part? It involves pelvic thrusts, y'all. The PELVIC THRUSTS from BARRY MANILOW are seriously (seriously) something I never needed to see. I have to go stab out my own eyes now.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS FACE? I believe I know. I believe it is something with the intials PS.
PS, He looks fucked up. It looks like it someone took his face off and then someone ELSE streched this skinmask over their own face to pretend to be "Barry Manilow". (Hee. Skinmask!)
I am horrifyed. I don't know what else to write. Barry. You've gone too far. Even Mandy couldn't save you! I have to go tend to my eye sockets. From where I RIPPED OUT MY OWN EYES at the horror of Barry Manilow THRUSTING.
I will never be the same.
UPDATE: He's back. There are jazz hands. OH, THE HUMANITY.
Dear ABC.
Please, stop.
As much as you show the preview for Blind Justice (and you show it A LOT), I won't be watching it. I have nothing against Ron Eldard, he's actually pretty cute - and yeah yeah, talented. But everytime I see the preview, I laugh, and then I have guilt for laughing. And then, I roll my eyes. BOY, do I roll my eyes.
I don't know if it is the fact I have seen the preview 8 million times, or the fact that you chose to play that annoying fucking Alanis Morrisette song, which goes, in part "you see everything, and you love my dog" played while he is walking his dog (SUBTLE!) or is it the that fact that he is a blind police officer and it is called BLIND JUSTICE? Good one! Is this a Saturday Night Live skit? Did I accidently turn to NBC? This is a joke, right?? RIGHT?
People are laughing at you, ABC. And its probably not the first time. I mean, I think you were responsbile for Cop Rocks. And what was that about?
But this, JEEZE. And I won't be watching. I know you're crushed, and with all that Desperate Housewives money you are probably really crying up a storm.
Yeah it is in NYPD Blues old spot, but Blind Justice - you are no NYPD Blue.
Yours, rolling my eyes,
Emily
PS. Look what you've done, Ron Eldard! You're too good for this!
Vince Vaughn was on Ellen today. My cousin and I were just saying he was a tall drink of water, but, well, he was looking a bit, um, greasy and...bloaty. His shirt was unbuttoned about two buttons two far. He sounded very horse - he says he quit smoking but I think he might be lying. I think he might have been smoking right before he came on and right after he went off. Hell, he looks so puffy maybe he's EATING cigarrettes.
Things he might also be eating: motor oil; gold jewelery; beef jerky; sticks of butter; and possibly, during a full moon, sweet delicious children.
Homey is lookin R O U G H.
Think I am in the throws of PMS because I hate everyone right now and NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. Why don't I have a job? All my clothes are ugly! No one in the world is in love with me! And, most tragically, I am OUT OF KALUAH!
I am also preparing myself to cry a lot later. You know why, right? NYPD Blue is ending! Oh, THE SADNESS. I have watched this cop show for over 10 years (not until after the David Caruso days because, as he might say, "Do I suck? Yes, I really do," in a whispery fucking voice, OF COURSE) and I have mad love for Dennis Franz. If I saw him on the street, I would HAVE TO hug him and there would really be nothing he could do about it, except MAYBE run away fast. I still have not gotten over when his son died. And then his wife. And then his partner! And then his OTHER PARTNER! He could not BUY a break.
I have cried at the last four shows (they keep doing that to me. They hate me too!) and I am sure I will be surrounded by tissues tonight. Damn you, Sipowitz (also know as Sprouts) - I CANNOT RESIST YOUR SURLY CHARMS!
If you hear sobbing later, do not be alarmed, it's just me.
Please feel free to send condolences in the form of cheese, cash, or cute shoes.
As Al and I watch the red carpet coverage we think, a lot of people seemed to be PLAYING other people this year, perhaps creating a whole new, VERY STRANGE, film;
STARRING -
Adam Duritz as Sideshow Bob!
Sean Penn as Lyle Lovett!
Mike Myers as The Lost Beatle!
Johnny Depp as The Evil Pirate!
Warren Beatty as Richard Nixon!
Everyone and their mother as A Mermaid in a Strapless Dress!
Renee Zellwegger (which, fueled by champange I write as, Zellwegggerer) as Lily Tomlin! (also, as Al says, she is trying to look "Asain from a distance!" Also trying to be Asain from a distance - Beyonce!)
Robin Williams as Burt Reynolds! (seriously, what is UP with the weird Don Johnson stubble? Also; Dear Robin Williams, you are super annoying and the fact that you SO DESPERATELY crave attention is making EVERYONE uncomfortable. Please get help, love, Emily and Alex)
and lastly, Antonio "Slimy" Banderas as Julio Eglesis!
I think if I was a red carpet commentator like Fucking Star Jones I would say things like, "soooo, Johnny Depp, the twist in Secret Window? I TOTALLY saw that coming!" and then stick the mike in his face. Or, "sooooo, Nick of Time? What the HELL?"
To Clive Owen, "how'd you get so PRETTY?"
And, "soooo, Annette Benning, your hair is THE COLOR OF ASS!"
Finally, I think some people need captions, like;
"Al Pacino - TOTALLY ON DRUGS RIGHT NOW"
"Penelope Cruz - HAS GIVEN TOM CRUISE HEAD"
"Renee Zellwegggggerer - HOLDING ONTO HER FACE BECAUSE THE BOTOX IS ABOUT TO FAIL AND HER FACE WILL FALL DOWN!"
I would like to thank the academy for another great and often boring show. Can't wait until the fully predictable show next year.
Peace out!
1. Victoria Jackson swearing up and down on Entertainment Tonight that she has "never had a face lift," and "NEVER HAD a FACE! LIFT!" Even though she is married to a plastic surgeon. Never had a lift! But, Vicki? Did you have an eye job? (check) A nose job (check) and something CRAZY done to your lips? (check and CHECK). Um, yeah.
2. Barbara Walters talking about Jamie Fox. How he is "one of the most eligable bachelors in show business BUT" (dramatic and emotional head tilt) "he's afraid of commitment." Dear LORD. Shocking! I have never heard of any boy being afraid of COMMITMENT. That is UNHEARD OF.
3. A pantyliner commercial. Which, in itself - EW, but this one kept promising that it keeps you dry and doesn't get "wet and sticky". EEEEEEEEEEWWW. The EW heard round the world. Also it's "dry enough to touch". WHY DO I WANT TO TOUCH IT? PLEASE SOMEONE EXPLAIN IT TO ME. Actually, don't.
4. Luke Perry reunited with Jennie Garth on What I LIke About You. What? Am I going to watch it? Why would I do that? It's just Kelly Taylor and Dylan McKay. I am TOTALLY NOT GOING TO WATCH THAT.
Ooops, gotta go...
